Of Love and Other Demons
Of love and other demons...
Current mood: aggravated
More than often, I find myself wondering about my own love life. I know it sucks and trust me I try not to think about it, go around the subject, ignore it of simply look at it in the most frivolous and cold way. but days as today I can't help to rralize how fucked up it has been.
First let me point out that even thou I'm a female, I do think more often like a guy, being most of my friends all guys. Not only that but being part of a culture that, let's face it, is machista to the end. Having to fight for every inch of independence and freedom inside my household and society.
Being that all pointed out, I have to hightlight as well, that I'm just talking about guys that had meant something, really something tome, not including, one night stand, or random making out people. What I mean here is guys that had actually had the power to provoke feelings inside me and had melted away my hard cold ice shield.
I find myself wondering about if I'll be ever be comformed, if it's wrong to ot not to. The first bf I ever had was probably the kind of man every girl looks for. He was good looking, smart and had goals in life. He made sure that I felt his love at every moment. You may be wondering, why the hell I let him go. Well, I'm a girl that have lots of guy friends, just friends but they are guys and he didn't liked that. He was over jealous and that's something I can't stand. It's okay some of it but not at the point that he would get angry if I went to a show or if I wear skirts. Come on I'm a fucking skinhead girl, I love going to shows and have fun and get drunk and the slam dancing and to chill with my comrades. I guees he didn't loved me that much for when i broke up with him, he had a new gf the next day.
Next Specimen..
This dude was even more than what I expected. He was a ken, I mean he was hot as hot as it can be. The perfect looks, to my standars,and smart, he was a skin as well and same political beliefs. Why am I not with him you may ask. Well, the dude was a child. He couldn't deal with the responsabilities of living with someone, less that someone being a Puerto Rican girl. He couldn't neither wouldn't want to understand my culture or traditions. At the end he became so over obssesed with his political correct views that politics was his most and only true love. He would tell me that he didn't had to show me he loved me or to be romantic orseduce me for he lived with me and that was enough. I guees he didn't loved me at all, for he cheated on me with who was my best friend. That one still sting, I'm a very proud girl :)
The next subject is the most confusing specimen of all. He was the guy I ignored for five whole years. He would always show up at the worst time ever. But he never failed to make me feel special. At the end I said to myself, What thenfuck is wrong with you Carla, this guy is always there for you give him a chance. So well I did. you may be wondering, Then now what's wrong?
Well the problem is that he is a prnakster all the way. He never show me in a "normal" way that he cares. He's insulting only joking and he doesn't care if I insult him back. Actually if I manage to embarase him or indult him, he praise me. I mean WTF!!!!! Not only that, but the ways of him showing me he cares are things like, always picking up my calls at the first ring, which he doesn't do not even with his own mom, buying me drinks, which he never do with anyone else unless b days or special occations etc. I just can't understand this, odd and alien way of showing love. I mean I know I'm not your typical kind of girl, but I'm still a girl.
What happened with sending flowers and chocolate and stuff like that. I know all about the consumerism campaing etc, but still you can be romantic with words, with they way you look at someone or how you talk and stuff like that.
I know since a long time that marriage and kids are two imposible thing for me, but I can't accept that love and romance will keep running away from me!!
Anyways, I just needed to vent this off because itwas making a wreck inside me....
Any opinions or advices??
Current mood: aggravated
More than often, I find myself wondering about my own love life. I know it sucks and trust me I try not to think about it, go around the subject, ignore it of simply look at it in the most frivolous and cold way. but days as today I can't help to rralize how fucked up it has been.
First let me point out that even thou I'm a female, I do think more often like a guy, being most of my friends all guys. Not only that but being part of a culture that, let's face it, is machista to the end. Having to fight for every inch of independence and freedom inside my household and society.
Being that all pointed out, I have to hightlight as well, that I'm just talking about guys that had meant something, really something tome, not including, one night stand, or random making out people. What I mean here is guys that had actually had the power to provoke feelings inside me and had melted away my hard cold ice shield.
I find myself wondering about if I'll be ever be comformed, if it's wrong to ot not to. The first bf I ever had was probably the kind of man every girl looks for. He was good looking, smart and had goals in life. He made sure that I felt his love at every moment. You may be wondering, why the hell I let him go. Well, I'm a girl that have lots of guy friends, just friends but they are guys and he didn't liked that. He was over jealous and that's something I can't stand. It's okay some of it but not at the point that he would get angry if I went to a show or if I wear skirts. Come on I'm a fucking skinhead girl, I love going to shows and have fun and get drunk and the slam dancing and to chill with my comrades. I guees he didn't loved me that much for when i broke up with him, he had a new gf the next day.
Next Specimen..
This dude was even more than what I expected. He was a ken, I mean he was hot as hot as it can be. The perfect looks, to my standars,and smart, he was a skin as well and same political beliefs. Why am I not with him you may ask. Well, the dude was a child. He couldn't deal with the responsabilities of living with someone, less that someone being a Puerto Rican girl. He couldn't neither wouldn't want to understand my culture or traditions. At the end he became so over obssesed with his political correct views that politics was his most and only true love. He would tell me that he didn't had to show me he loved me or to be romantic orseduce me for he lived with me and that was enough. I guees he didn't loved me at all, for he cheated on me with who was my best friend. That one still sting, I'm a very proud girl :)
The next subject is the most confusing specimen of all. He was the guy I ignored for five whole years. He would always show up at the worst time ever. But he never failed to make me feel special. At the end I said to myself, What thenfuck is wrong with you Carla, this guy is always there for you give him a chance. So well I did. you may be wondering, Then now what's wrong?
Well the problem is that he is a prnakster all the way. He never show me in a "normal" way that he cares. He's insulting only joking and he doesn't care if I insult him back. Actually if I manage to embarase him or indult him, he praise me. I mean WTF!!!!! Not only that, but the ways of him showing me he cares are things like, always picking up my calls at the first ring, which he doesn't do not even with his own mom, buying me drinks, which he never do with anyone else unless b days or special occations etc. I just can't understand this, odd and alien way of showing love. I mean I know I'm not your typical kind of girl, but I'm still a girl.
What happened with sending flowers and chocolate and stuff like that. I know all about the consumerism campaing etc, but still you can be romantic with words, with they way you look at someone or how you talk and stuff like that.
I know since a long time that marriage and kids are two imposible thing for me, but I can't accept that love and romance will keep running away from me!!
Anyways, I just needed to vent this off because itwas making a wreck inside me....
Any opinions or advices??