The Only Thing I Have To Fear Is...
I was born to be a sissy. I was weak, scared of everything, and generally speaking, a total momma's boy. In my youth I was scared of heights, public restrooms, water, fights, other people, the dark, damn near everything. But there was one fear that ended up helping me beat them all: my inconquerable fear of my two older brothers.
My older brothers helped me overcome my vertigo by convincing me to go repelling off of a fifty foot ledge and after slowly coaxing me to begin the decent they locked the belay so that I was stuck hanging in mid air like a grade schooler pinata about thirty feet above ground. Then they went to get lunch. Since then I've always looked from great heights with only a mild amusement.
When I was scared of water they pushed me, crying, into the deep end of a swimming pool and punched me any time I went near the edge. The next three summers I was on a swim team.
When I was scared to fight they introduced me to the neighborhood bully who punched me and took my lunch money. Literaly, he reached in my pockets and stole it while I writhed on the ground crying from the bloody nose. My brothers watched all this and said they'd personally smother in my sleep if I didn't fight back next time. I woke up that night with hands drawn around my neck in marker. The next day I kicked the bully's ass while they watched like proud fathers at a school play. They even videotaped it. Since then I've won numerous wrestling tournaments and am learning a martial art.
When I was scared of using a public restroom one blocked every every bathroom in the house while the other followed me around at my heels till I went number one outdoors. It went on for days.
As they grew up and started real life my brothers didn't have time to make my life a living hell anymore so I started incorporating their method myself. When I was scared of spicy food I ate a jalepeno, when I was scared of alcohol I got shit faced, and when I was terrified of new things I lost my virginity. I over compensate for every fear till it finally disappears. By the same logic if I ever want to stop chewing my fingernails I'll have to cut my hands off.
Three years ago I was an incredibly shy introvert. I would spend my time alone in my bed room making mix tapes and thinking of winter. I was one of those kids. To overcome this I applied the usual method of complete fear confrontation: I joined a circus.
It was a local street performer's company. Kid's brithdays, carnivals, corporate events, that sort of stuff. They were short staffed and needed people badly. The very same day I joined my boss sent me out on my first gig. I was to spend three hours juggling and stiltwalking at a festival across town. I had never stiltwalked, couldn't juggle, and my hand eye coordination was comparable to Ray Charles's. And remember: I was horribly shy and scared of people.
So, heart in throat, I went to the gig, walking on stilts with the same grace as a drunken sailor on an ice rink, pretending to juggle. This consisted of me hiding from the client (impossible to do when on stilts) and every time I saw her looking at me I'd throw one or two balls in the air and hope she bought it.
Three hours passed of me being ten feet tall, dressed in a garish jester out fit with bells and all, stumbling around, people starring at me, too mortified to speak coherntly, and about one second away from a nervous breakdown as kids ran under my shaky feet. At the end of event I destilted and went to thank the client for hiring my company. Angrily she turned to me and asked if I knew how to juggle. I realized that there was only way to make her believe I could: I had to juggle in front of her. The only problem? I had NEVER successfully juggled. So saying a silent prayer I answered, "Oh yeah, of course I can. You must have not seen me is all." Then I took out my three juggling balls, closed my eyes, and threw all three into the air. By total luck I was able to catch two but barely missed the third one. In slow motion I watched as it slowly fell from the air and landed in my open pocket. Amazed and not knowing what else to do, I looked at the client and said, "TA-DAA!" Quite impressed at what she assumed to be a a trick she apologized for not believing me and gave me the check for my time.
As I said, by all extents I was born to be a sissy. I was scared of everything, including people. But I got lucky, I had older brothers who had the sadistic inclination to help me. Yup...I got real lucky. Two sick fuck older brothers who I swear to God will tattle to Mom if they ever make me relive that hell. Those fucking bastards. I am not even kidding. Total ass holes.
My older brothers helped me overcome my vertigo by convincing me to go repelling off of a fifty foot ledge and after slowly coaxing me to begin the decent they locked the belay so that I was stuck hanging in mid air like a grade schooler pinata about thirty feet above ground. Then they went to get lunch. Since then I've always looked from great heights with only a mild amusement.
When I was scared of water they pushed me, crying, into the deep end of a swimming pool and punched me any time I went near the edge. The next three summers I was on a swim team.
When I was scared to fight they introduced me to the neighborhood bully who punched me and took my lunch money. Literaly, he reached in my pockets and stole it while I writhed on the ground crying from the bloody nose. My brothers watched all this and said they'd personally smother in my sleep if I didn't fight back next time. I woke up that night with hands drawn around my neck in marker. The next day I kicked the bully's ass while they watched like proud fathers at a school play. They even videotaped it. Since then I've won numerous wrestling tournaments and am learning a martial art.
When I was scared of using a public restroom one blocked every every bathroom in the house while the other followed me around at my heels till I went number one outdoors. It went on for days.
As they grew up and started real life my brothers didn't have time to make my life a living hell anymore so I started incorporating their method myself. When I was scared of spicy food I ate a jalepeno, when I was scared of alcohol I got shit faced, and when I was terrified of new things I lost my virginity. I over compensate for every fear till it finally disappears. By the same logic if I ever want to stop chewing my fingernails I'll have to cut my hands off.
Three years ago I was an incredibly shy introvert. I would spend my time alone in my bed room making mix tapes and thinking of winter. I was one of those kids. To overcome this I applied the usual method of complete fear confrontation: I joined a circus.
It was a local street performer's company. Kid's brithdays, carnivals, corporate events, that sort of stuff. They were short staffed and needed people badly. The very same day I joined my boss sent me out on my first gig. I was to spend three hours juggling and stiltwalking at a festival across town. I had never stiltwalked, couldn't juggle, and my hand eye coordination was comparable to Ray Charles's. And remember: I was horribly shy and scared of people.
So, heart in throat, I went to the gig, walking on stilts with the same grace as a drunken sailor on an ice rink, pretending to juggle. This consisted of me hiding from the client (impossible to do when on stilts) and every time I saw her looking at me I'd throw one or two balls in the air and hope she bought it.
Three hours passed of me being ten feet tall, dressed in a garish jester out fit with bells and all, stumbling around, people starring at me, too mortified to speak coherntly, and about one second away from a nervous breakdown as kids ran under my shaky feet. At the end of event I destilted and went to thank the client for hiring my company. Angrily she turned to me and asked if I knew how to juggle. I realized that there was only way to make her believe I could: I had to juggle in front of her. The only problem? I had NEVER successfully juggled. So saying a silent prayer I answered, "Oh yeah, of course I can. You must have not seen me is all." Then I took out my three juggling balls, closed my eyes, and threw all three into the air. By total luck I was able to catch two but barely missed the third one. In slow motion I watched as it slowly fell from the air and landed in my open pocket. Amazed and not knowing what else to do, I looked at the client and said, "TA-DAA!" Quite impressed at what she assumed to be a a trick she apologized for not believing me and gave me the check for my time.
As I said, by all extents I was born to be a sissy. I was scared of everything, including people. But I got lucky, I had older brothers who had the sadistic inclination to help me. Yup...I got real lucky. Two sick fuck older brothers who I swear to God will tattle to Mom if they ever make me relive that hell. Those fucking bastards. I am not even kidding. Total ass holes.