(no subject)
France and Italy were wonderful. I came home delayed to a decidedly happy (and slightly drunk) mother. We talked and ate and somehow it all went bad. She said something which hit a nerve and made me feel like a slut-whore and I cried and shouted back at her from the top of the stairs. She came into my room and pushed and pushed at my buttons and I couldn't stop crying. She slapped me for not looking at her when she was talking to me, albeit on my arm, not my face, it still fucking hurt in more ways than one. I tried desperately to get online and talk to Witek, too scared to ring his house at 11pm, to scared to piss his family off. After nearly two hours of trying I get online, sobbing, blinded, he's not answering on skype. I get into bed for him to return and accidentally pull out the modem cable out of the laptop and can't get back online that night. I cry myself to sleep and wake up with swollen eyelids. I'm too scared/upset/angry to talk to my mother, I leave the house to go to the shop and I just smoked a cigarette after being nicotine free for 25 days.
My mother said I make her feel like a failure.
Now I feel like a failure.
WHERE IS WITEK??? All I want to do is talk to him, talk him through what happened last night, tell him I didn't cut myself but I may do soon, that I'm sorry. That I'm a failure. That I smoked a cigarette, that he is too good for me, that I'm sorry, that I wish I were still with him in his beautiful apartment looking over the river, that I'm a failure, that I put on 8lbs while on holiday with him, that I'm sorry. That the cigarette I smoked tasted delicious, that I'd rather taste him again, that I'm so fucking sorry...
My mother said I make her feel like a failure.
Now I feel like a failure.
WHERE IS WITEK??? All I want to do is talk to him, talk him through what happened last night, tell him I didn't cut myself but I may do soon, that I'm sorry. That I'm a failure. That I smoked a cigarette, that he is too good for me, that I'm sorry, that I wish I were still with him in his beautiful apartment looking over the river, that I'm a failure, that I put on 8lbs while on holiday with him, that I'm sorry. That the cigarette I smoked tasted delicious, that I'd rather taste him again, that I'm so fucking sorry...