(no subject)
Ravi dressed as Lisa. and some annoying albino.
As eery as Trent's voice is in Tori Amos' "Girl" I find the song so wonderful. I thought they made such a great couple. Well, regardless, this song really gets to me. I guess, as most of the Little Earthquakes album does... I'd write the lyrics but it doesn't do the song any justice. You've just gotta listen to it. *sigh*
I've been having the most horrid of nightmares lately. One involving Usman and the other involving Ramsey. I think that "gut instinct" that I seem to have lacked my entire life, is finally starting to kick in. Sometimes I try really hard to go against it. Apparently my "heart" and my "gut" tell me two different things. I know why it's so hard for me to trust people, but I wish it would just fade away. I wish I could be normal - for a month, a week, a day even. Just to do what I wanna do, and be able to, without the mental/emotinal nonsense. Allow myself to get hurt again (if it's bound to happen). But bah - why would anyone want that? I wish things started out differently. Why is my mind / heart / gut / soul ruining such a potentially wonderful thing?
I think, in my dream, Ramsey represented all that is good with the world. He is one of my favorite human beings. I couldn't name a single fault of his if I tried, and I've known him for 17 years... and in this dream, he was being executed because of me. As indirect as it might have been, and as much of a mistake as it might have been, it didn't matter. He was being killed on my behalf.
I think I'm going to give up drinking.. not that I drink often. I think, deep down, I really want to. I'm so attached to that jaded mental state, though - where everything is right with the world, and there's a grin pasted on ones face that won't disappear. The last time that happened was October of 2003. So I guess I'm doing pretty well. But what's the point of drinking when you're alone? What's the point of feeling even remotely happy when you have no one to share that with? Talk about a waste of energy and emotion.
As much as I hate to say it - I really miss drinking with my old friends. I miss being able to trust people. I miss the summer nights of my late teens. I miss being apart of a family. A family of friends, but a family none the less. I miss waking up to Mark shooting rubberbands at my head and then stuffing our faces with junkfood and watching cartoons. I miss knowing that at any hour of the day or night, there was someone, somewhere, whose phone I could call, or whose window I could knock on, and without a second thought, they'd be there for me. To walk with and talk to, even if it was 3am and they had to be up for work at 6. People who put up my "cute" (annoying) intricacies, with a smile. People who knew that they could depend on me just as I could depend on them. It frightens me that I might never again find that.. and I want it so badly that it hurts.
Blah. I hate this.
I just wish to be surrounded by real people again.
"I remember throwing this morning's paper at him and saying "think fast" as I locked the door and firmly shut it. I walked down those dark stairs to the sidewalk, and then across the jack frosted street to my car. I sat in the drivers seat, and turned the cd player on. Over the course of the next few minutes I looked through john nolan's thesaurus for another word for desperate. Finding none, I looked up and I had arrived at my place of residence. I walked inside only to discover an item of interest: the telephone. I called a friend and began to talk of cabbages and kings. It was only a few minutes into the drunken conversation that the moisture of a multitude of sorrows began to drench my cheeks in search of any dry skin. I was an utter wreck by the time I said "goodbye" but that's how things go these days. Being a wrought-iron abhorration and not knowing what to do, think, or say. I'm finding myself clawing at the ground. to anyone else, it might seem like a productive endeavor.
No, I'm only digging six feet down."