(no subject)
Title: Close Your Eyes
Author: riku_aura777
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: And by then, Alex knew he couldn’t tell anyone about it, because normal people, sane people, didn’t see things that weren’t there.
Notes: Just something I've been trying to write for awhile. Probably not that great, since I'm sick, but I'm glad I finally wrote it.
Two in the morning was not the appropriate time to be drinking an energy drink. Well, typically, anyway. It wasn’t considered normal, especially if two had been drunk hours before.
It wasn’t something a person who wanted to sleep would do. And that was exactly why Alex was drinking his third Red Bull. He didn’t want to sleep. Besides, making coffee at that time was quite a bit more noticeable and suspicious. So far, no one had caught on to the fact that he was doing this and he wanted it to stay that way.
Then again, he hadn’t been doing it for very long. At least, he didn’t think so. The days were beginning to blur together. For all he knew, it could’ve been going on for a week or a month. Maybe even longer.
For some reason, it was surprisingly easy to function on no sleep for days. After all, Alex had a habit of zoning out, no one seemed to pick up on the fact that it was happening more frequently. No one mentioned it, anyway.
He often thought about telling someone that he couldn’t sleep. No, that wasn’t correct. He could probably fall asleep if he really wanted to. His choice of being anti-sleep was probably because it was safer to be awake.
At that point, if Alex did decide to tell someone about everything, the person who he told, most likely Jack, would ask why it was unsafe for him to sleep. Following that, if the conversation ever did occur, Alex would confess that, while awake, he could see shadows in the dark. Shadows that would creep closer and closer, loom over his bed, invade his dreams when he did close his eyes. That was why he was afraid, because they were even worse in his head, far worse.
Although Jack, or whoever else he would talk to about this, probably wouldn’t agree with that. And by then, Alex knew he couldn’t tell anyone about it, because normal people, sane people, didn’t see things that weren’t there. Crazy people did, crazy people, and Alex wasn’t crazy.
His fingers were twitching, lightly tapping his knees. With a long, weary sigh, he tossed the empty can on to the floor, not caring that someone would probably step on it later. Running a hand through his unwashed hair, Alex wished that the party that had happened on their bus hadn’t ended an hour ago. Because it was lonely, being the only one awake. Even worse, being the only one awake meant that no lights were on.
And that was when he would see things out of the corner of his eye. Movement, movement his exhausted mind couldn’t identify. Shadows in the dark, things Alex knew weren’t there. But no amount of telling him that mattered. Logic wasn’t accepted, because he could see it.
Suddenly, he didn’t see anything. Jack, who was sleeping in the bunk above his, had just coughed, giving Alex something else to focus on. Though, that also meant that Jack was up now, or at least semi-awake. If he wanted to, he could wake him up fully. The option existed, like it did every night.
If he did wake him up, Jack would be pissed off at first. But that feeling most likely wouldn’t last long, and they would probably end up talking until one of them fell back asleep.
He could wake Jack up, but he never did. The chance of him asking what was wrong, why he couldn’t sleep, stopped Alex. Tonight, like every other night, he did nothing, nothing but count down the hours until someone else was awake. Maybe he would doze off for an hour or two, but that was doubtful.
There was a possibility that he would hope for something, then spend hours deciding if he was hoping to fall asleep or to not. That debate could last for hours.
--
Something wasn’t right with Alex. The problem was that Jack wouldn’t figure out what was wrong.
The first clue was the collection of Red Bull cans lying haphazardly on the floor. They were there every morning when he woke up, and throughout the day, it seemed like a new one was practically glued to Alex’s hand. The idea that Alex wanted to give himself a heart attack was ridiculous, so Jack ruled it out.
He could see the dark circles forming under Alex’s eyes, growing, looking almost bruise-like. Sadly, he only noticed them three days ago, so who knew how long they had been there.
Alex wasn’t sleeping. That much was obvious. Now he just needed to find out why. Then he could fix it, because that was what he did.
The plan was to confront him after the show that night, and Jack finally managed to, two hours later. Alex was on the couch, surrounded by people but apparently uninvolved with them. Predictably, he held a can of the energy drink, though it was unopened.
Realizing the opportunity that he had, Jack pushed past the crowd of people gathered on the bus-most of them he didn’t even recognize-and snatched the can out of Alex’s hands.
Jack had been expecting some sort of resistance, but when Alex didn’t acknowledge his presence, he felt his concern grow. So he did the only thing he could think of; he sat down next to him, knees touching, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
“When’s the last time you slept?” Before Alex could answer, he reiterated, “And I don’t mean for a couple hours. I mean, like, an actual full night of sleep.”
At least Alex was looking at him now. That was a very small improvement. But he could see the look on his face, and Jack didn’t enjoy it. He was thinking, and the idea of him needing to think about it was kind of unnerving.
“A…. a couple days, I don’t know.” Alex shrugged, leaning his head on his shoulder.
Suppressing a sigh, Jack began tracing random patterns on Alex’s upper arm with his index finger. “Can you try going to sleep now?” Feeling Alex shake his head, he closed his eyes. “Come on, Alex, for me?” There was probably something wrong with the fact that he was the one begging, but Jack didn’t care.
Moving in closer, Jack tried to kiss Alex on the cheek, but he leaned forward, so his lips ended up touching the side of Alex’s head. Watching him walk off silently, Jack rubbed his eyes before going to grab a beer. There was no harm in staying up for awhile, especially since he wouldn’t be able to sleep until Alex was.
--
Why did he listen to Jack? Just because he loved him didn’t mean he had to do everything he asked. But he did, Alex had fallen asleep, only to be startled awake some time later.
To cure the claustrophobic feeling that was building, he pulled back the curtain and got out of the bunk. He decided to sit down on the floor, simply because it was convenient and he didn’t want to be lying down. The lights were off, meaning that he must have been asleep for at least a few hours.
He could hear soft breathing above him. Jack was asleep. Jack was asleep and he wasn’t; now it was just an ordinary night. Alex was tempted to wake him up, more than he usually was, to be spiteful.
But Alex didn’t wake him up. Instead, he stumbled around blindly to the front of the bus. With the amount of noise he was making, walking into things and swearing at them, he probably woke up some of the others, but he didn’t particularly care.
After finally locating a can-it was warm, because some asshole, also known as himself, had forgotten to put more in the fridge-he made the short trek back to his bunk. Everything remained quiet, almost too quiet, and Alex suddenly became suspicious. What if Jack was awake now?
Shaking his head, Alex grabbed his iPod. If Jack was awake, then he could initiate a conversation if he wanted to. Still, he only used one of his headphones. Just in case.
--
Getting Alex to sleep was becoming less of a discussion and more like a battle. On one occasion, things had escalated into a shouting match, which wasn’t good, because they sucked at actually fighting with each other. That was the downside to not being able to take the other seriously most of the time.
After putting up with it for a week, Jack chose to go to bed when he finally convinced Alex to. He didn’t fall asleep immediately though. He couldn’t, not while his best friend/boyfriend/soul mate/none of the above-some days it was impossible to figure out what they were-was restlessly tossing and turning in the bunk below his.
Eventually, maybe after an hour, it seemed like Alex was finally asleep. And while he could’ve joined everyone else in the front of the bus, Jack decided not to. Rather than mingle into the dwindling party, he instead messed around on Twitter and listened to music.
Time flew by quickly, and somehow, it was almost three. He had been awake for four hours and all appeared to be okay below him.
Removing his glasses-the fight earlier had given him a headache, and the harsh light from his iPhone was too much to handle without them-Jack laid down on his stomach, an arm hanging limply over the edge.
About to pull his arm back, Jack was suddenly unable to. Someone was preventing him from doing so. Or, rather, Alex was, because no one else other than him would be frantically clutching his hand, pulling and clawing at it.
Jack wanted to freak out as well, but that would serve no purpose, so he readjusted Alex’s vice-like grip, loosely intertwining their fingers. He periodically squeezed Alex’s hand in a silent affirmation.
You’re okay, I love you, everything’s okay.
That didn’t stop Alex from grabbing his hand tightly, almost painfully, in a way that clearly stated: I don’t believe you.
He should’ve gotten up and actually checked on Alex, instead of trying to wordlessly communicate with him, but he didn’t. No, he only rubbed Alex’s hand with his thumb, because it felt like the right thing to do.
Just trust me.
The heavy breathing eventually grew quieter, and Alex finally let go at some point. Jack wondered how long his passive-aggressive style could work.
--
Usually, Alex was the first one awake now. It was the privilege of never going to sleep. So it was strange to see Jack all ready up before him at seven in the morning, considering what happened hours earlier.
Torn between wanting to tell Jack everything and wanting to ask why he didn’t say anything while he was having a minor meltdown, Alex said nothing. Silence was the temporary solution to everything.
Jack stood up when he walked over, and it looked like he was going to hug him. Alex would’ve been lying if he said he was opposed to the idea. He held back his great sigh of disappointment when Jack stepped around him.
“I made you this.”
Confused, Alex blinked a couple times, then attempted to smile. Jack had pushed a cup of instant ramen, all ready prepared, into his hands. It was a little easier to smile when Jack explained that no one else was awake and, well, he wasn’t much of a cook. Not that Alex didn’t know that.
In appreciation, he leaned in to lazily kiss Jack’s neck. It didn’t even matter that he somehow managed to get underneath his chin. Things felt more in place than they had in the longest time, even more so when he felt Jack’s fingers slide through his hair.
“You need a shower, you smell like shit.”
Definitely more normal.
--
Jack was conflicted. Forcing Alex to sleep was showing very mixed results, and maybe it wasn’t even worth trying anymore. On the one hand, he needed to sleep-needed to, because Jack hated seeing him sleepy and sluggish-but on the other hand, whenever he didn’t make him, they actually said more than ten words to each other; Alex didn’t act like he hated him.
As selfish as it sounded, Jack needed those days.
So when Alex willingly went to bed one night, without Jack even asking him to, he was reluctant to believe that things were magically going to be okay, that Alex was going to be asleep when he went back there.
Waiting an hour, Jack decided to give up the pretense of being patient and went to check on Alex, who was, almost predictably, not asleep. It bothered him. Well, not that Alex was awake, not exactly. It also wasn’t that he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was still wide awake.
“You can tell me why you’re not sleeping, you know. Save us all this bullshit.” There. That was what bothered him.
And Alex was staring at him, just staring, and while Jack loved him, he would still punch him in the face if he had to. Everyone had their breaking point, after all.
“You’ll think I’m crazy.”
Jack couldn’t help but laugh at Alex’s unexpected reply-unexpected in the way that he actually gave one. “Dude, you’re turning into a fucking insomniac. Being crazy might be better.”
“For some reason,” Alex began, sitting up, “I don’t thinks so.”
Sighing, Jack sat down next to him, only because there was nothing else he could do. But he didn’t touch him. “Okay, if you don’t want to talk about it, then whatever. I can get you sleeping pills, would that help?” He hoped he didn’t sound as desperate as he was feeling.
Alex scoffed. “I don’t need fucking sleeping pills, Jack!”
“So you can sleep but you’re just not? All right then.” He nodded to himself, like that made everything okay again.
Neither of them said anything for awhile after that. If Jack wasn’t so pissed off and stubborn, he would probably apologize. But he was, so he didn’t.
“I give up,” he muttered, pulling off his shirt and climbed into his bunk. And maybe he was bluffing-it was Alex, he couldn’t really give up on him, not fully-but he did need a break, even if it was a quick one.
His break ended about ten minutes later, when Alex called out his name. He couldn’t bring himself to ignore him.
“Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
He should’ve said no, no they couldn’t talk about it tomorrow, they had to talk about it now. Because, honestly, what were the chances of Alex bringing everything back up the following night and having a conversation about it? Not all that high.
“Yeah, okay.”
Apparently Alex missed the blatant skepticism in his tone, or he merely ignored it, because Jack didn’t hear him say anything else for the rest of the night. He spent an hour deciding if that was a good thing or not.
--
The show that night sucked. It simply sucked, and the worst part about it was talking to Jack on stage. Or, well, attempting to, because it just felt strained and tense and awkward: three words that should not be used to describe his relationship with him.
It was a bad show, and the night became progressively worse. Every time he tried to approach Jack, he would move to a different part of the bus, and even walked outside one time, and Alex didn’t know what to do; he felt ready to talk to him, but he could feel his confidence drop by the minute.
So maybe it was almost ironic that he found Jack after deciding that he wasn’t going to look for him anymore. Maybe even more so that he found Jack in his bunk, the last place Alex wanted to be and yet, there he was, looking directly at Jack.
They stared at each other for a moment, then Alex laid down. A small part of him wanted Jack to come down, but when he didn’t, he was glad. It would be easier talking about it without Jack looking at him.
The words tumbled out in a ramble, but he couldn’t slow them down, or else he would stop talking all together. He didn’t put much thought into the words. No thought, no order, just a stammering rush that Jack needed to hear. Alex had kept it to himself for so long, he couldn’t do it any longer.
He told Jack about things he saw in the dark-“There’s no shape, not really, they’re just… there. And I know they’re not really there, but I can see it.”-and about why he had to stay awake-“If I close my eyes, I can’t see what’s going on, and what if something happens? Something could happen and I won’t see it coming.”-and about what would happen if he did fall asleep-“They’re in my dreams too! All I can see, and I can hear things too, saying things like… like…”
And that’s where the supply of words ceased. Alex couldn’t say anything more, not now, and he felt… nothing, really.
When Jack didn’t say anything immediately after, or even interrupt him while he was speaking, Alex began to wonder what he was thinking. Eventually, he did speak, and Alex could hear that he was forcing himself to sound calm, because he knew Jack and he could tell the difference. He closed his eyes and listened as Jack threw around ideas and causes, words like ‘stress’ and ‘depression.’ Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, since Jack was only giving suggestions, not solutions.
Even though Jack was mid-sentence, Alex crawled out of his bunk. He walked out and grabbed a can of Red Bull; as much as he didn’t want to admit it, this was more of a solution than anything Jack had offered.
--
Turning off the water in the shower, Jack sighed. It was one of the rare times when they stayed the night at a hotel. He was sharing a room with Alex, probably the first time they were alone together after their conversation a few nights ago.
Though, they weren’t going to share a room together, not at first. Upon entering the hotel, Alex had said he would share a room with Rian. The air was so thick and uncomfortable that it was seemingly palpable, because Jack and Alex always shared a room, regardless of what was happening. He knew Rian realized that, and that was why they were in the same room together, despite Alex not welcoming the idea.
Walking out of the bathroom, hair drenched and only wearing a pair of boxers, Jack leaned against the doorway, watching Alex open a can of Red Bull. He finally realized that things couldn’t carry on like this.
With long strides, he made it to the bed that Alex was sitting on-there were two beds in the room, meaning it was obvious to everyone else that they were having issues-and forcefully removed the can from his hands, tossing it over his shoulder. As soon as it hit the floor, it occurred to Jack that it was open. He couldn’t bring himself to care.
“What the fuck, Jack?!”
Ignoring the exclamation, he gently pushed Alex on to the bed, his head hitting the pillows. Then, he straddled his waist, and any other time, that might mean something. Now it didn’t. Now he was just making a point. Fuck being passive-aggressive.
“We’re not going to do this anymore,” Jack said, looking down at Alex’s confused expression. “You’re going to stop drinking those so then you won’t fuck up your heart and drop dead at twenty-five.”
Wryly, Alex interrupted, “My liver will just give out instead.”
“Exactly, you don’t have enough organs left to mess up.” Pausing, Jack was unable to stop himself from smiling for a second. Things felt okay for just a moment. But he had to continue. “And I’m going to stop pretending that you’re getting three or four hours of sleep every night when you’re actually not.”
He could feel one of Alex’s hands holding onto his boxers, and he wasn’t going to let him distract him by initiating a hand job. Not tonight, anyway. “We’re going to fix everything, I swear, we’ll figure it out. And you’re going to get some sleep tonight, I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll stay up all night if I have to.”
Alex shook his head. “Jack, no, I-”
Getting off him, Jack laid down next to Alex, pulling the blankets over them. “No, Alex. This’ll work, just trust me. I’ll make sure you sleep. I won’t let anything get you. Maybe I’ll even suck your dick tomorrow.” Finding his hand, Jack laced their together. “I love you, you retard. You’re going to be okay. You’re safe, I won’t let anything happen.”
Shuffling closer, Alex kissed him briefly on the lips and whispered, “I’d rather you suck my dick tonight.”
Despite everything that had happened recently, Jack laughed. Maybe everything would work out like he said it would. Maybe it would be easier to believe it than he thought.