(no subject)
It gets so hard to breathe sometimes. You had a hard day, and it only seems to get worse. Just when you think things are going your way, you take a deep breath of toxic air, and your throat closes up. Not letting oxygen in...and refusing to expel the screams that build up in the bottom of your belly, forcing them to wrap around your heart and harden into some grotesque exoskeleton that only serves to choke you even more. After a few minutes of panic, your throat allows only enough air to pass that's necessary to survive.
I don't know what came first, the pain or the lust for it. But it doesn't really matter. All I know is that when I hate myself, i wish it would pass...and when it does pass, all I want is to feel something. How come the night is so much darker than the day is bright? I can't remember the last time I was ecstatic. There's only gray and black in my life -- Hell and limbo -- depression and contentment. Never happiness. Sometimes I put on the biggest smile, but my smiles only come from lack of sadness, not from joy. What would make me happy? I don't even know. I have all these ideas in my head: drugs, love, a week in the woods, good sex, a band, or a combonation...but when I do attain these treasures, they just dont bring me the unforgettable happiness I seek. The grass is always greener at the far end of the rainbow...and everyone knows you can't catch up to that. Ill try to convince myself that other things make me happy. They don't. I "count my blessings" daily (I think the number is 100,896 right now). Still no sunshine. I guess im just not content with mediocrity (how American of me).
God, I wish I had someone to hold tonight...
I don't know what came first, the pain or the lust for it. But it doesn't really matter. All I know is that when I hate myself, i wish it would pass...and when it does pass, all I want is to feel something. How come the night is so much darker than the day is bright? I can't remember the last time I was ecstatic. There's only gray and black in my life -- Hell and limbo -- depression and contentment. Never happiness. Sometimes I put on the biggest smile, but my smiles only come from lack of sadness, not from joy. What would make me happy? I don't even know. I have all these ideas in my head: drugs, love, a week in the woods, good sex, a band, or a combonation...but when I do attain these treasures, they just dont bring me the unforgettable happiness I seek. The grass is always greener at the far end of the rainbow...and everyone knows you can't catch up to that. Ill try to convince myself that other things make me happy. They don't. I "count my blessings" daily (I think the number is 100,896 right now). Still no sunshine. I guess im just not content with mediocrity (how American of me).
God, I wish I had someone to hold tonight...