Purveyor of Fine Information
See that image to the right?
That is my bored image and that there’s some incoming useless information coming to a computer screen near you. Like, now. Brace yourself, or be mesmerized by the looping gif. Either way you might be needing some fresh air or a bag.
As a purveyor of fine information, I have the pleasures of experiencing events that most people don’t necessarily get to see, or want to see… Basically, I see some pretty awful things happen from time to time. This is dedicated to an inquiring friend.
In my teen years, I had a wonderful chance to experience the most beautiful things in the world; the gift of life. This rite of passage is normally displayed in hospitals. From behind a window if you’re not the doctor performing the actual procedure. Unfortunately, this rite of passage wasn’t of the human variation. Not like it’s really any different… maybe a few steps are different here and there, but that’s not that point. What I saw must be explained in full detail, play by play.
I don’t know why, but I was riding with my dad to a different parish for him to assist one of his friends with his livestock. We arrived at the designated location where his friend and a few other people were located. Other than a bunch of people I didn’t know standing around together, I noticed that there was a cow standing near by. Not thinking too much about it, I completely thought we were just there to pick something up, but I was very, very wrong. I learned, through eavesdropping and non-verbal communication, that the cow was having trouble giving labor. Babies are supposed to come out head first, and from my overall knowledge that is common for all mammals, if not all animals. The calf didn’t turn around, so it was coming out feet first. I don’t know how a cow feels going into labor, but I do know with smaller animals and human it isn’t so nice. This cow was about to get more uncomfortable.
My dad’s friend took this long, clear plastic glove out of his truck. As he was sliding on the glove it reached to his elbow. I instantly knew what was going to happen next. Once the glove was on there was no turning back. He slid his arm into the cow’s vagina determined to save her calf. With his hand inserted he pretty much grabbed the calf’s hind legs, and slowly began to pull the calf out. As the hind hooves were about to exit… I guess the cow was in some discomfort, and had to relieve itself by having a short bowel movement. Like a slow erupting volcano, it slugged out onto the clear glove. Once the BM was over, he continued to pull the calf out.
In the last little tug the calf came sliding out onto the soft ground. Momma cow was happy, dad’s friend was happy and quickly removed the glove. The now released calf was just lying on the ground wondering what going on. Momma cow hobbled over to sniff her newborn, and licked her calf’s body removing it of placenta and other bloody goo globs. Once her calf was cleaned to her liking the calf stood up for the first time, wobbling and knocked knee. They slowly walked off with the rest of the herd. It was a cute scenario.
Here ends the first reading of Purveyor of Fine Information. Did you make it through the entry? I hope it wasn’t too unsettling, but if it wasn’t then I need work on my storytelling skills.
