Comments | riko: fic: sirius has a girlfriend, sirius/remus, Rish

riko

fic: sirius has a girlfriend, sirius/remus, Rish

Oct 15, 2004 23:39

( Remus is sitting in a booth next to one of these windows with a shoulder pressed against the smooth glass and a set of crappy chopsticks sandwiched between the thumb and index finger of his left hand. )

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anonymous October 15 2004, 21:44:40 UTC

I think this is very well-written, the imagery is very vivid and you've a good grasp on dialogue. However, I was completely thrown by the uncertainty of the piece and its time period. Is this an AU? Quite a bit of canon is disregarded (Regulus's death, for example), not to mention some of the slang (Regulus would likely not have used the word "tool," when speaking to Sirius, as it's a more recent and American term) and the appearance of a "cell" phone. Not only were there no cell phones in the late '70s/early '80s, when this would have taken place were it not an AU, but it would have been termed a mobile phone by the properly British.

So, I would label this as an AU, or get yourself a fact-checking, Britpicking beta and let them have a go at it, because if you fix those minor details this would be a perfectly awesome fic. You obviously have talent, particularly for Unresolved Sexual Tension.

(The comment has been removed)

riko October 16 2004, 06:57:26 UTC

BREATH - BREATHE! OMG I AM IDIOT. Ok, thank you very much! And, well, sorry about the Americanisms. I'm so clumsy with brit slang; I usually fall back on what I know.

And, man, those last two lines took me a while. :D So I'm glad they were appreciated.

punkheid December 28 2005, 05:57:34 UTC

Hey, just noticed that "tool" was said to be an Americanism. Well, it's actually also a Scottishism. *shrugs and goes off to read the fic* :)

punkheid December 28 2005, 06:36:41 UTC

*has now read the fic* My god. That was... lovely. I really like your Sirius. The part where he comes to Remus' door! My inner sap monster is full and happy :) Thank you!

riko December 28 2005, 18:51:57 UTC

Hee! Thank you very much! I'm glad I managed to appease your sap monster -- I know mine is pretty demanding. :)

punkheid December 28 2005, 20:13:30 UTC

Indeed! It was making hungry, growling noises. Quite disturbing actually o.o But then this came along :) I just reread it. *sappy sigh*

riko October 16 2004, 06:55:21 UTC

A britpicker? Never heard of one, but I guess I better go find one. :P I'll get rid of cellphone when I go through my second edit, but... I like having Regulus say 'tool'. :P Awww...

anonymous October 16 2004, 22:08:19 UTC

I suggest words like 'twonk' or 'pillock' or 'git,' really. That's the sort of thing he'd say, rather than 'tool.'

And you've never heard of a Britpicker?

riko October 17 2004, 06:47:58 UTC

Heh... twonk's not bad! :)

And, well, I've heard of one now. But, I've been something of a hermit as wider fan communities go, so no. I had never heard of one BEFORE. :P

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