So...
I decided earlier today, that I would write something, but somehow I didn't get the time until a little past midnight. But consider this post as a friday post.
I have to start somewhere else than at the beginning. These weeks have been messed up, and I'm not sure how to talk about it, but my journal seems a good place to went.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce these days. And comic books. But it's Tamora Pierce I want to talk about. Those books have always been something special to me. Ever since I picked the first book off the shelf at the library when I was a young teenager, these books have been my go-to books in times of trouble.
Whenever I feel low or like I'm not good enough, I read those books and they give me strength, will and confidence. They make me feel like everything is possible and that life will go on, even if bad things do happen.
I read the most recent series just as everything happened.
I came back from Italy on New Years Eve. Less than a week later, my grandfather died. I also finished my education, but it is only bittersweet now. Two weeks ago he died of legionella. 15 days ago I defended my thesis. I don't understand how I made it through.
I got home on New Years Eve. My parents told me then, that after Christmas he was put in the hospital. He couldn't breathe and he was week. In those days, focusing on something as seemingly trivial as an exam was hard. The thursday I defended the exam we went to visit him in the hospital afterwards. I find myself crying as I'm writing this.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. Not really.
He died that very same night.
I saw him the same day, and it wasn't really him anymore. He used to bike more than 20 km at the age of 81 every day. When I was younger, he and I would get into all kinds of mischief. He was the first to play and do silly things.
For someone as active as him, we can at least take comfort in the fact, that he was spared being sick and immobile for several years. At least it happened kind of fast, as he would have wanted it.
I've cried of course. We were always partners in crime and it's not easy knowing that he will never be there again to say something silly or annoy my grandmother.
After the ceremony last week it became easier to look ahead. I had to.
Finishing my education equals uemployment, which is complicated. Plenty of rules and systems that has to be notified the correct way. It's still not easy to think straight and it makes me nervous for those things.
Today I took another lifechanging step, the third already this year, by handing in the marriage papers to our commune. So now we've got the date and time settled for that aswell.
I am very happy about it, my only regret is, that my grandfather will not be there with me and Luca.
Moving forward I'm trying to remember the good things, not the paleness of his face when I saw him that friday two weeks ago.
He bought me ice cream before breakfast when I stayed with them in holidays in the summer. He was the first to jump in the water at the beach and tease the rest of us for thinking it cold.
He helped me trick my grandmother into an anthill when we went into the woods and laughed just as much as me when she realised, horrified.
I will miss you.
I have to start somewhere else than at the beginning. These weeks have been messed up, and I'm not sure how to talk about it, but my journal seems a good place to went.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce these days. And comic books. But it's Tamora Pierce I want to talk about. Those books have always been something special to me. Ever since I picked the first book off the shelf at the library when I was a young teenager, these books have been my go-to books in times of trouble.
Whenever I feel low or like I'm not good enough, I read those books and they give me strength, will and confidence. They make me feel like everything is possible and that life will go on, even if bad things do happen.
I read the most recent series just as everything happened.
I came back from Italy on New Years Eve. Less than a week later, my grandfather died. I also finished my education, but it is only bittersweet now. Two weeks ago he died of legionella. 15 days ago I defended my thesis. I don't understand how I made it through.
I got home on New Years Eve. My parents told me then, that after Christmas he was put in the hospital. He couldn't breathe and he was week. In those days, focusing on something as seemingly trivial as an exam was hard. The thursday I defended the exam we went to visit him in the hospital afterwards. I find myself crying as I'm writing this.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. Not really.
He died that very same night.
I saw him the same day, and it wasn't really him anymore. He used to bike more than 20 km at the age of 81 every day. When I was younger, he and I would get into all kinds of mischief. He was the first to play and do silly things.
For someone as active as him, we can at least take comfort in the fact, that he was spared being sick and immobile for several years. At least it happened kind of fast, as he would have wanted it.
I've cried of course. We were always partners in crime and it's not easy knowing that he will never be there again to say something silly or annoy my grandmother.
After the ceremony last week it became easier to look ahead. I had to.
Finishing my education equals uemployment, which is complicated. Plenty of rules and systems that has to be notified the correct way. It's still not easy to think straight and it makes me nervous for those things.
Today I took another lifechanging step, the third already this year, by handing in the marriage papers to our commune. So now we've got the date and time settled for that aswell.
I am very happy about it, my only regret is, that my grandfather will not be there with me and Luca.
Moving forward I'm trying to remember the good things, not the paleness of his face when I saw him that friday two weeks ago.
He bought me ice cream before breakfast when I stayed with them in holidays in the summer. He was the first to jump in the water at the beach and tease the rest of us for thinking it cold.
He helped me trick my grandmother into an anthill when we went into the woods and laughed just as much as me when she realised, horrified.
I will miss you.