[Fic] A Change of Perception (for Illuminations)
Title: A Change of Perception
Author: crystalusagi
Recipient: illuminations
Pairing/Characters: Sanada/Yanagi
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sanada/Yukimura one-sidedness, karaoke
Disclaimer: Don't own them. This is just for fun and amusement =D
Summary: "You can't know until you try." Sanada experiences it first-hand.
Notes: Thank you to my wonderful betas who saved my ass. <3. Also, I didn't quite get everything you wanted in there, but I hope you enjoy it anyway, illuminations!
"You're staring," Renji said from across the table, voice soft and low. Sanada looked back at him, eyes flicking away from Yukimura's profile just a few tables away. Renji wasn't looking at him. Instead he was picking up a clump of rice with his chopsticks and bringing it to his lips, eyes already half-closed, as if to savor the taste. Sanada remembered his own half-eaten lunch, and picked up a piece of daikon. He tried to keep the embarrassment from showing on his face.
His gaze hadn't lingered for very long on Yukimura, and no one else would have noticed it, but Renji knew Sanada better than anyone.
When Sanada didn't respond--Renji must have known that he wouldn't have--Renji set his chopsticks down and gave Sanada a level stare. "You should just tell him, Genichirou."
It was probably just his imagination that he heard a hint of impatience in Renji's voice. "There's no need to," he told Renji. "I'll get over it." He said this last statement with as much conviction as he could muster.
Renji shook his head, frowning. "That's what you've been saying since...how long has it been?" It wasn't really a question.
It had been going on since March--over half a year now. Renji had guessed it almost immediately, and from the beginning Sanada had been insisting that it was just temporary, that his feelings would go away on their own soon enough. Only they hadn't. "There is no reason to tell him," Sanada answered. He leaned in and lowered his voice, so that the others on their table would not overhear. "Seiichi is not attracted to--" He stopped. This was saying too much.
"He could be," Renji countered. "You can't know until you try, Genichirou."
Sanada sighed, chopsticks clattering on the edge of his container. "How likely is that, according to your data?" he asked slowly, meeting Renji's gaze again.
Renji didn't answer. He looked back down to his food, securing the lid on the container and putting his chopsticks neatly away. "I can't say."
For all that Renji meant well, Sanada found himself in a state of unease for the rest of the day.
---
Yukimura bumped shoulders with him as they walked out of their last class together. It wasn't one they shared with Renji, and in some ways Sanada was glad. He didn't know how he would feel to have Renji watch this display of easy intimacy, knowing that it meant much more to him than it did to Yukimura. And Renji always watched, when he was with them.
"You seem weird today," Yukimura said to him, head cocked to one side. "Did something happen?"
Sanada shook his head, feeling suddenly exposed. He wished he'd taken his cap out before exiting the classroom. That would have been disrespectful, though, and Sanada liked this teacher. "I got into a disagreement with Renji," he mumbled. It was a sort of truth.
Yukimura frowned. "Yeah, I noticed at lunch," he said.
He must have looked their way while they were discussing him. Sanada adjusted the bag on his shoulders, feeling his hands grow clammy, and looked down the hallway, towards Renji's last class. "It's not serious," he told Yukimura. "We'll work it out."
Yukimura poked him in the side. "Do you want to talk about it?"
You should just tell him, Genichirou.
"No, not now."
Yukimura's frown deepened, and he elbowed Sanada lightly. "Just don't be stupid. Either of you." His pace quickened. "Look, there's Renji."
---
Sanada and Renji lived in the same area, so they took the bus home together most days, unless Renji had other activities after school. Today the bus was relatively empty, which meant they were able to get seats all the way in the back, where it was quieter. Sanada went in first, and took a seat by the window. Renji sat down on the seat next to him.
The bus started, and Sanada watched the road speed past them. There were a couple of students he recognized on the sidewalk. The afternoon sun made his face warm.
"Are you still angry at me?" Renji's voice was very quiet.
Sanada thought about it. He hadn't thought of himself as angry at Renji; he had no reason to be angry at anyone but himself. Of course, his grandfather had always told him that the foolish man was one who believed anger to be a rational thing. "Not anymore," he answered. "I would just rather..." He paused, tried to think of a way to express himself. He didn't know how, after all.
"I understand," Renji said anyway. It was one of the things Sanada liked about Renji: he understood things in that firm, steady way of his, and Sanada never had to say more than he could.
The atmosphere seemed to shift and Sanada felt himself relax. The rest of the bus ride they talked about a book Renji had just finished on shogi strategies. Sanada listened with interest, and as they neared Sanada's house Renji suggested that they schedule a day to test out the strategies.
Sanada got off the bus feeling better about the day.
---
That Saturday Renji came over, and they spent several hours in the morning playing shogi. Sanada only won once in the four matches and after the third match, he had to concede the strategies really were very helpful. Renji produced the book from his bag and passed it over.
"I got an extra copy for you," he said. "A present."
"You didn't have to," Sanada mumbled, but he was already flipping through the pages. The author had an engaging style, he found, and it wasn't difficult to get caught up in the explanations.
Sanada glanced over and saw that Renji had pulled out a novel he'd never seen before and had started reading it.
Some time passed this way, with the two of them sitting across from one another at Sanada's small table. The room was silent except for rustle of pages being turned and Sanada felt a sense of well-being encompass him. Their visits often turned out this way, with the both of them immersed in their own activities and the entire atmosphere suffused in this easy silence.
He was so immersed in the simple bliss of spending time this way with a good friend that he didn't notice that there were footsteps outside until the door swung open and Yukimura stood there looking down at them.
"Am I interrupting?" he asked with an amused smile.
Renji set his book down, smiling back at him. "Ah, Seiichi. No, we were just reading."
"Why are you here?" Sanada asked Yukimura, closing his book with something like regret. It really was a good book.
Yukimura raised an eyebrow. "Do you have a problem with it? I called Renji and his father said he was here."
Sanada frowned. "You know I don't." It was always nice to see Yukimura, and they saw less of one another these days; they were in two very different tracks in school.
Yukimura grinned. "Well, I wanted to go somewhere together. How does that sound?"
"That's fine," Renji replied, standing up. Sanada followed suit. "What are we doing?"
"Let's do karaoke," Yukimura suggested after a moment.
---
They used to do this a lot more when they were in their first year of high school, but they had less time now that college entrance exams were drawing nearer and everyone had to think about studying and the future. Sanada still kept up his weekly visits with Renji, but most of that time was spent reading or studying anyway, so he didn't know if it countered.
"What will you sing?" Renji asked Yukimura as they were led down the hall by one of the workers.
Yukimura grinned. "I don't know. I was going to have you and Genichirou sing me a duet first."
"It should be you and Renji," Sanada told him. "Someone has to take the girl's part." Yukimura elbowed him.
In the end, Yukimura made them sing the theme song to Hoshi no Kinka with him to start the night off. Sanada lost track of the number of songs the three of them sang. Yukimura was in very good spirits today, and even Renji, who was the least musically-inclined of the three, was getting into the mood of things. He and Sanada did sing that duet together after all towards the end of the night, and their voices were already so strained that the lyrics, some of them in badly put-together English, hardly made sense at all. Yukimura was laughing by the time they finished the song.
Eventually, it got late enough that Sanada started to worry about the buses stopping their runs. Yukimura reluctantly set the remote down, and made Renji finish the last song. They'd ordered a few soft drinks and some snacks, and things had gotten messy. Sanada started to clear up as Renji's song wound down.
"I think I got myself a girlfriend today," Yukimura announced suddenly.
There was a moment when Sanada thought he'd heard something else, and then it really registered, the word girlfriend. Yukimura raised an eyebrow at the both of them, as if to say 'well?'
"That's great," Sanada managed, an odd breathlessness threatening to take hold of him. "Who is she?"
"Kano Mizuki," Yukimura said with a grin.
"Well, this is a surprise," Renji spoke up. "She graduated two years before us, didn't she? An upperclassman." He darted a quick glance at Sanada, who was trying hard to not look away from Yukimura. If he avoided Yukimura's eyes right now...
"We were in the same art history class." Yukimura's smile was sweet and terribly happy, and seeing it, Sanada didn't have the heart to be upset about this. "We kept in touch."
"That's good," Sanada told him, reaching over to grasp his shoulder, "I'm glad you're happy."
Yukimura beamed at him, then turned to Renji. "Well?"
Renji smiled back, though his tone was reproachful. "You didn't say you had your eye on anyone, Seiichi."
Yukimura stuck his tongue out. "I am allowed to have secrets from you." He gave them a level look. "I bet you two keep plenty of secrets from me."
Only one, Sanada thought to himself, as Renji sent him another glance while Yukimura wasn't watching.
---
On the bus, while Yukimura asked Renji about his bonzai growing techniques, Sanada looked out the window at the lamp-lit streets and thought about what Yukimura had told them. He had a girlfriend now. Sanada had known it was only a matter of time. He found that he wasn't...all that bothered by Yukimura's announcement, although he knew he probably should have been. He'd experienced a brief rush of disappointment when he first heard the news--perhaps he had harbored some hope that Yukimura could be into guys after all--but that had faded surprisingly fast. There was a dull ache at the center of his chest, but if he didn't concentrate on it then it was barely even discernible. Was this how heartbreak was supposed to feel, he wondered to himself, then felt a bit horrified at his use of the word 'heartbreak'.
"That's my stop," Yukimura piped up, and stood to get off the bus. "Stay out of trouble," he called jokingly back to them as the door swung shut behind him.
Alone with Renji, who knew all about his unrequited feelings for Yukimura, Sanada felt unexpectedly embarrassed. He'd been turned down even before he could ask, it seemed, and Renji had been there to witness it all.
"I'm sorry," Renji said quietly when the bus started to move again.
Sanada shook his head.
They didn't speak again until bus turned the corner to Renji's house.
"Genichirou," Renji said in a voice that made Sanada turn away from the window to give him his full attention. "I--" He hesitated, in a completely uncharacteristic manner. In the darkness it was hard to place his expression.
"What?" Sanada prompted.
Very slowly and deliberately, Renji reached out and touched Sanada's arm, not quite gripping but nonetheless holding on. His fingers were cold. "Seiichi is not the only person in the world," he murmured, his voice sounding uneven in the small space separating them. He took his hand away before Sanada could make sense of his words, and then he was gone.
---
The next day was a Sunday. Sanada's first thought when he woke up was that Renji was supposed to be coming over today, and Sanada would ask him why he had sounded so strange last night. His second thought was that Yukimura had a girlfriend now, and while he still didn't know what to think about that, Yukimura was his friend and he wanted him to be happy. If this girl could make Yukimura smile like that all the time, then Sanada decided he could be okay with this. Which still left him with the feel of Renji's cold fingers on his skin, and the almost-tremble in Renji's voice as he told Sanada that Seiichi wasn't the only one.
"Do you want me to come over today?" Renji asked over the phone after lunchtime. Renji almost never called to confirm a meeting with Sanada, especially one planned in advance.
"I already told my mother you'd be over for dinner," Sanada lied. He held the phone close to his ear and fiddled with a calligraphy brush with his free hand. Could it be that Renji wanted to avoid him?
"All right. I'll see you in half an hour."
---
Renji stood in Sanada's room, arms cradling a huge stack of books. It was probably only Sanada's imagination that he held the books to his body as a warrior might hold a shield in battle.
"I thought we could begin studying for the history final," he said as set them down on the desk. The history final was three weeks away. Sanada sat down at the desk anyway, and started reading.
After a full fifteen minutes of reading and not processing any of the information he took down in his notes, Sanada turned to Renji, who had taken a seat on the floor, leaning his back against Sanada's bed.
"Are you all right?" he asked, for lack of something better to say.
Renji looked up from his own book. "Isn't that my line?"
Sanada shook his head. "I'm fine with what Yukimura said, if that's what you mean." It hardly changed the way things always were between them.
"That's not what I meant." Renji was gripping his book so firmly his knuckles paled, but his face was the same as always. He might as well have been arguing a discrepancy in their class notes, not...whatever this was.
"If you're saying there is something else I should be concerned about, then tell me what it is," Sanada demanded, "because I don't understand you."
Something flashed in Renji's eyes. There was hardly any space between them in the small room, and Renji only had to take a couple of steps to reach him. He braced an arm against the back of Sanada's chair and leaned in. Too close.
Sanada felt an unexpected tightness in his chest. He couldn't explain it, and it only got worse when Renji spoke to him, breath smelling of tea and lemon, blowing puffs of warm air against his skin.
"I don't understand this either," Renji told him. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, looking more resolved. "This is too soon," he said, shaking his head.
Sanada remembered the way he pulled his hand away last night in the darkness of the bus.
"Renji--"
"I feel unwell, Genichirou," Renji interrupted, not looking at his eyes. "I'm going home now. I will apologize to your mother on my way out."
Then he left again.
---
"I thought you said you'd work it out." Yukimura was frowning at him over lunch. It was already Wednesday, and he hadn't had a real conversation with Renji all week.
"I'll be studying in the library at lunch," Renji had told him on Monday. Sanada had offered to come with him, but Renji had shaken head. "It's for a biology report," he said. A class they didn't share. "I'll be fine on my own."
Sanada didn't doubt that Renji would be, but their encounter the day before had worried him and he'd wanted to talk about it.
He glared at Yukimura. "Things became more complicated." It was true. Somehow it had stopped being about his crush on Yukimura, and turned into something completely different. It was certainly ironic that last week it was Yukimura he and Renji had been discussing, and now he and Yukimura were discussing Renji.
"Genichirou," Yukimura said, voice completely serious. "Fix this. He won't tell me what's wrong either, but it's definitely you."
Sanada rolled his eyes. "That makes me feel so much better."
Yukimura wiped his chopsticks off with a napkin. "As much time as you spend with him these days, you don't know him very well at all, do you?"
"What?"
Yukimura sighed. "If something is bothering Renji, he'll just pretend it doesn't bother him and ignore it. Nothing gets fixed if you leave him alone."
"So I should force him to talk when he doesn't want to?"
Yukimura looked at him as though he was an idiot. "Yes."
---
"Yukimura says that if we don't talk on our own he'll intervene, and duct tape will be involved." It wasn't exactly the ideal thing to say, but he'd been standing outside the library for close to half an hour before going in and had discarded about a dozen other lines.
Renji blinked at him from his seat. "I wasn't aware we weren't talking," he said mildly.
"Weren't you?" Sanada asked, startled at how confrontational the words came out. He brushed any sense of frustration away, and took a step toward Renji, putting a hand on his arm. "Come with me."
He led him to one of the student study rooms and closed the door.
"What is it, Genichirou?"
"Seiichi is not the only person in the world," he said hesitantly. He paused, watching Renji carefully.
Renji sighed, sat down on one of the chair and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. Perhaps he's not, but for you, so soon after--"
Sanada came closer and slapped a hand on the table in front of him. Renji opened his eyes and looked up. Sanada held his gaze. "Who else is there?"
Renji was silent, and Sanada began to think that maybe he'd over-reacted, gotten it all wrong, and there wasn't anything out of the ordinary going on with the two of them aside from temporary illness and a suddenly very busy schedule. Then Renji leaned forward slowly and didn't stop until their lips met.
Sanada didn't know what answer he had expected, but a kiss certainly hadn't been it. It was brief, just a firm press of lips against lips, but it still left Sanada breathless when Renji pulled back.
"Does that answer your question?"
He drew in a slow breath. "Yes." He frowned, looked at Renji questioningly. "When did this happen?"
"When we started spending Sunday afternoons together," Renji replied. "You mumbled passages from your book aloud to yourself. I couldn't stop watching."
Sanada still couldn't read Renji's expression. "I'm not sure how I feel," he said truthfully. "I've never thought of you that way."
"I know," Renji said. Of course he knew; he was Renji.
The silence stretched between them. Sanada didn't know what to say. The idea of Renji thinking about him, watching him as he read aloud and kissing him was entirely new.
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period. In a way Sanada was relieved, because he wasn't ready to address this yet.
"Well be late if we don't hurry," he told Renji, and opened the door. Renji stood staring at him for a second longer, then exited first. Sanada felt something heavy in his chest as he watched Renji's back.
---
"So how did it go?" Yukimura asked as he put his textbook away and slid out of his seat.
Sanada considered lying, telling Yukimura that he hadn't talked to Renji yet, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. "The bell rang before we could say much," he told Yukimura instead. It was true enough.
"Well, you ride the bus home together, don't you?" Yukimura quipped. "Just continue then. Ah, hold on." He stopped to pull his buzzing cell phone out to answer it. "Hello?" He raised an eyebrow, mouthed 'It's Renji.'
Sanada already knew where this was going.
"Okay," Yukimura muttered, frowning, "You could have told him that yourself." A pause. "Fine, I'll call you tonight." He hung up. "He was in a hurry and left early. He said to tell you to catch the bus without him. What is wrong with the two of you?" There was real concern in his voice.
Sanada shook his head, feeling like a jerk for being relieved that Renji was avoiding him when just a few hours ago he was worried. "I don't want to talk about it." He couldn't very well tell Yukimura what had happened, could he?
---
'You can't know until you try,' Renji had told him. Was Renji telling himself that as well?
That night Sanada stayed up for a long time thinking about things, and coming to no conclusions. Renji had said he liked Sanada's mumbling while he read, had said he liked Sanada, enough to confess to him knowing full well he had someone else on his mind. Renji had kissed Sanada, and it hadn't felt...
It hadn't felt bad.
The phone rang. Sanada answered.
It was Renji.
"I'm sorry for surprising you like that," he started "I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything."
Sanada leaned against his pillow and closed his eyes. "I know."
"Nothing has to change."
Renji's voice lacked the steadfast conviction it usually possessed, and Sanada made a vague sound of acknowledgment. His hands felt colder, and there was an an unfamiliar pressure in his chest.
"Genichirou."
"Don't worry," he managed, "nothing will change." He was sure Renji knew it was a lie.
---
Sanada woke up feeling as if he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. The phone conversation with Renji the night before had been short and to the point, and it should have relieved Sanada, but he only felt confused and frustrated when they hung up. How could he just ignore Renji's feelings when they were undoubtedly there? What kind of a friend would he be?
But then, what else could he do?
His steps dragged as he walked to the bus stop, and when it finally arrived, Sanada made his way to the back to find Renji looking just as calm as he always did. When he sat, Renji smiled and held something out to him.
It was the book he'd asked to borrow the week earlier.
"Thanks," he murmured; Renji nodded, then stared out the window again.
He felt as though he should say something. "Will you be eating lunch in the cafeteria today?" he asked.
"I finished the biology project last night, so yes."
And he was done avoiding Sanada now--they'd agreed everything would go back to normal. So why did Sanada feel that something had become displaced and why didn't he know how to fix it?
---
Renji came to sit with him at lunch, but Sanada was still confused and distracted, and couldn't act as though nothing was going on. He ended up not paying attention to Renji's attempts at conversation, and Renji left halfway through the lunch period, packing up his still half-full bento and refusing to look Sanada in the eye. Sanada watched him go and felt like the most horrible person on earth.
This wasn't going to work. They couldn't ignore this, and they were both stupid to think they could.
"...ichirou?"
"Mm?" Sanada looked up from his slaughtered onigiri to see Yukimura kneeling on the bench across from him. He blinked. When had Yukimura gotten there?
Yukimura rolled his eyes. "How long is this lover's spat of yours going to go on?" he asked.
Sanada frowned. "What?"
Yukimura settled down into his seat and tilted his head to one side, propping his chin up with his hands. "Let's see, what could be wrong?" he began. "Is it that you're deeply in love and expressing it in such a caveman way that he's become too disgusted to associate with you?" He bit his lip, arching an eyebrow, then shook his head. "No, Renji probably likes the caveman thing."
Sanada gave him a very unimpressed stare. It didn't help matters that Yukimura was right in a way. Renji did like him.
"And you're still not paying attention to me." Yukimura prodded Sanada's foot with his own under the table to make a point. "Just make up with your boyfriend already, Sanada," he ordered.
He really hadn't been paying much attention to Yukimura, had he? He'd thought it would begin to hurt once it'd sunken in that Yukimura had someone, but it hadn't. He had been paying attention to Renji all this time.
"I've got to go," he told Yukimura, then left the table as fast as he could.
---
It took him a while, but he eventually found Renji sitting in one of the empty classrooms, writing something in his notebook. Renji didn't notice him until he was already halfway across the room. He watched calmly as Sanada made it the rest of the way to him.
Sanada drew in a long breath, and sat down across from him. He'd had all the words in his head as he was rushing around the school, trying to locate Renji. Now that he was right there, it was difficult to recall them. "I...was telling the truth when I said I'd never thought of you that way," he began, finding it hard to keep his hands from gripping at something.
Renji nodded. "I know," he said in a soft voice.
"But," Sanada said, feeling as though he had a thousand jagged stones weighing down his stomach, "that doesn't mean I--" He didn't know how to say this so that it would make sense. He didn't want to make promises, but he couldn't look at the resignation surfacing on Renji's face without saying anything either. "Would it be all right," he tried, "if I thought about it?"
Renji's expression broke, his calm mask slipping for a split second to reveal surprise and something else Sanada couldn't quite recognize. Then the mask was up again, and Renji nodded. His voice was very soft when he spoke, and it trembled a bit, the way it had on the bus that night. "It would be more than all right."
---
"So how did it go?" Yukimura asked as Sanada settled into the seat beside him.
Sanada thought about the very small smile on Renji's face as they left the classroom together, and the things he himself had said. He still had a lot of thinking to do, and a lot to get used to, but it didn't seem quite as important as Renji's smile right now. He had never seen Renji smile like that before.
"Perhaps things will be better now," he told Yukimura. Or much more awkward.
"Good. I'm glad everything's back to normal," Yukimura said in a cheerful tone.
Sanada opened his textbook, and glanced at the clock. He'd be riding home with Renji again after this and, contrary to what Yukimura had said, things weren't back to normal. He found he didn't mind it all that much.
---
"...and he insisted that Nobunaga was assassinated in 1583," Sanada continued angrily. "It happened in 1582. As a history teacher, he should have read the book." He paused to scribble something rather savagely in his notebook. "Men like that should not be allowed to teach."
Renji looked up at him, amusement showing clear in his eyes. "Are you done ranting now?" he asked, reaching over to take hold of Sanada's notes. "We can both concentrate on studying?"
"Aa," Sanada mumbled, realizing that he'd been talking loudly while Renji had been studying for their literature exam for a long time now. "Sorry." He fell silent. They really had to get this material before tomorrow's test.
He reached for his textbook and started to read, but it was only a few minutes before he gave up. He was still too outraged by the teacher's incompetence to concentrate on the text; the words just began to flow together in a nonsensical mess. So he watched Renji instead.
Sanada cared for Renji. He'd cared for him for a long time, the way someone cared for their best friend. Now that he took the time to think about it, Sanada realized it wasn't completely different from how he cared for Yukimura.
It had been obvious with Yukimura. Sanada had noticed now nice his hair looked falling across his face, how his smile lit up the entire room, how his laugh sounded good, made Sanada want to laugh too. Renji was different from Yukimura, who seemed too special and unreachable sometimes. Renji was more like Sanada, an equal that he could talk to on even ground. He didn't truly smile often, and when he did it wasn't the bright, full-toothed grins that Yukimura sported. But Sanada liked it, all the same.
He began to wonder if he truly understood his feelings for either Renji or Yukimura at all. What about his feelings for Yukimura were so different that they surpassed the boundaries of friendship into something else? As hard as he tried, he couldn't figure it out.
Sanada pondered this as he watched Renji from across the table. Renji wasn't smiling now, but the way he furrowed his brow and silently mouthed the words as he read, Sanada thought, was beautiful. The thought came abruptly; it surprised Sanada, and embarrassed him a little. This close up, Sanada could see Renji's eyelashes. They were dark, and from this angle it looked as if Renji's eyes were closed.
Sanada remembered Renji's kiss, and how his eyes were closed then, shut tight against whatever fears he might have had. He remembered the small smile Renji gave him afterward as they left the library.
Renji's smile, Sanada realized, feeling his heart beat faster, was more than beautiful. How could I have missed this?
Then Renji looked up. His eyes met Sanada's, a little startled at finding himself being examined so closely. "What is it?"
Sanada was sure he could feel his face heating up. He had been staring. "Nothing," he replied. He lowered his eyes to the book in his hands. "Just thinking."
As he was leaving, Renji's knuckles brushed against Sanada's forearm as he reached for his notes. The touch gave Sanada a tiny, unexpected thrill, and it didn't help matters that when he looked Renji's face was a little flushed.
He discovered that it was quite attractive, that brush of color.
---
Kirihara had scheduled a match with the old Seigaku regulars at the end of the week, a sort of mock tournament. The winning team would get free sushi from Kawamura's father, who apparently owned a restaurant. They played at Rikkai's courts, because they were bigger.
The match lasted until sundown and ended with a draw; Sanada had to admit he was quite pleased with how the day had turned out, despite having drawn a doubles game. Usually Sanada hated playing doubles, but he'd been paired with Renji today, and Renji always seemed to make it easier. Sanada didn't know anyone else who could make him feel so comfortable on the court. The one time he'd tried it with Yukimura, they'd lost an entire game to the other team, resulting in only a 6-1 win. They hadn't tried that again.
The group agreed to meet up in an hour for sushi, and the Seigaku players left. Everyone in Rikkai opted to wash up in the school's changing rooms, because it was quicker that way. Only Jackal hadn't brought clothes, and had to go home to change.
When Sanada emerged from his shower, Yukimura was rummaging around in his bag on one of the benches, completely nude. It had been a long time since he'd been in the changing rooms with Yukimura, but he supposed things didn't change, did they? Niou had his trousers on, and was slowly buttoning his shirt, standing close to him. Yagyuu was already dressed.
Niou smirked at Yukimura, leaning one shoulder against the wall. "You've got her so hot for you that she even follows you around on lunch breaks, huh."
Yukimura grinned broadly back at him, and aimed a tennis ball at his head. He ducked it easily. "So?"
"So we've all seen you sucking face right on campus." He arched an eyebrow. "Discreet much, buchou?"
Yukimura just laughed.
Kirihara, who had been listening from the other side of the room, developed a grin of his own. "Niou-senpai, what about you?" he asked. "You've been ki--ugh!" Marui had whipped him with a wet towel, and a fast chase around the room ensued. Sanada looked on as he finished dressing, trying to decide whether he should be amused or dismayed. One of the shower doors clicked, and Renji walked past him with only a towel clinging to his hip.
Sanada followed him with his eyes.
Renji was paler than Sanada was, and all that white skin was laid over a very well-proportioned body. Sanada had never looked at him before, had never considered how strong Renji's calves looked, or how nicely the muscles on his back flexed as he walked. Only he was looking now, and it...wasn't as uncomfortable or as weird as he'd thought, to consider.
---
When Renji came over the next Sunday, Sanada locked his bedroom door behind them, his hand slippery on the polished metal. Renji was looking at him with undisguised curiosity when he turned around. Sanada tried not to hold himself so stiffly as he walked over to where Renji stood in the middle of the room.
"I've thought about it," Sanada told him. It was impossibly difficult to say the words aloud, as simple as they sounded, and for a split-second Sanada was worried that Renji didn't know what he was referring to.
Renji's mouth parted, his eyes widened a little. "Have you reached any conclusions?" He didn't look at Sanada in the face. He stared hard at Sanada's shoulder instead.
"Look up," Sanada said.
Renji met his eyes. Sanada reached over and tentatively cupped the back of his neck before leaning in to ease his mouth over Renji's.
It was...very different from last time. Renji's lips were slightly open when Sanada kissed him, and it felt moister, hotter. Renji tilted his head back just the slightest bit. It made their lips fit better together.
It was Renji who broke the kiss eventually. "So that was why you locked the door," he breathed, face flushed.
Sanada made a sound of acknowledgment and slid his fingers through Renji's hair, feeling the strands sift between them. He was positive that his ears were turning pink; he could feel it.
"Does this mean you can think of me 'that way'?" Renji's voice held some humor.
Sanada nodded. "Yes," he said, feeling happy and relieved and wanting very badly to kiss Renji again.
So he did.
---
Sanada had never once in his life been in a situation in which the feelings were reciprocal. It had always been unrequited on one end or the other. With Yukimura, he spent most of his time watching and thinking, acting as he normally did around Yukimura and wishing that it would just go away and leave him alone.
With Renji, it was more complicated. He truly did not know how to approach this.
They did the same things they had aways done--study together, jog together, have lunch together. They played shogi or tennis or sometimes, when they were feeling lazy and relaxed, did the Sunday crossword puzzles. Things hadn't changed at all. Except.
Except he began to notice the distance between their bodies when they sat together, and the small, insignificant touches he experienced when Renji's arm shifted on the table beside him. Sometimes, when they finished whatever it was they were doing that day, Renji would linger beside him and Sanada would find a reason to turn, and somehow they would end up kissing.
---
There was a hand pressed firmly on his thigh under the table. It was Renji's hand, and it was warm. Sanada's chest felt very, very warm too.
"Sanada-kun," Yagyuu said in his polite way, "Are you well?"
He blinked, focused on Yagyuu's face. He slipped one of his own hands under the table and grabbed Renji's. "Ah, sorry. I was up late studying." Renji's knuckles caressed his palm. Sanada was reminded of the feel of them against his jaw as Renji kissed him last night, when they finished the material in their books.
"Perhaps we should call it a night," Yagyuu suggested. He turned to Niou, who was laughing about something with Kirihara and Marui. Niou cast him a quick glance, then turned his gaze to Sanada and grinned somewhat wickedly.
Sanada blinked back, unimpressed. Even if Niou knew something, he wasn't enough of an idiot to spread things around. At least, Sanada didn't think he was. At any rate, it didn't matter.
"I think that would be wise," Renji spoke up beside him. His fingers squeezed. "I still have a lot of studying to do tonight, myself."
"I could ride with you," Sanada offered.
Renji smiled that almost-there smile that made Sanada feel as if he'd launched the perfect serve six times over. "All right."
---
Things were going well. In fact, they had never been better. Sanada was even glad that Yukimura had gotten his girlfriend. If he hadn't, Renji might not have said anything, and Sanada wouldn't feel as good as he did now.
"Let's go on a trip when this is over," he said to Renji when they'd finished their last study session before exams.
Renji looked up from his book. He seemed pleased with the idea. "The two of us, or the group?"
"Which would you prefer?"
Renji chuckled. "Yes, I'd like to spend some time alone with you," he told Sanada. Now he seemed very pleased.
Sanada allowed himself a smile. It was probably a good sign that he liked it even when Renji made fun of him.
---
The college entrance exams would start soon, and Sanada found himself spending a lot of time in library with Renji in the next couple of weeks. Most of their classes had let out, and they spent most of their free time in one of the small study rooms with books piled around them, taking notes. Every once in a while, they would stop, and one of them would lean over and they would kiss until they couldn't breath anymore. Then they'd break apart, gasping, and resume their studying.
They were about to leave when Sanada decided that he wanted another kiss from Renji. They were already at the door, and it was simple to just back Renji up against him and press their bodies close, take Renji's mouth for himself. The kiss was wet and sweet and hot, and it only got more intense when Sanada felt Renji's erection pressing against his thigh. They had to stay for an extra five minutes, just so the both of them could calm down enough to be seen in public.
That night, Sanada touched himself thinking of Renji's hands on him, stroking him slowly till he came.
---
"Well," Yukimura said, picking up a cherry with his spoon from his own sundae, "it seems as though I don't have a girlfriend anymore." He said it casually, as though it was random and unimportant, but Sanada and Renji both knew him better than that.
"You broke up?" Renji asked, setting his spoon down.
"It was mutual," Yukimura explained with a rather subdued smile. "She's going to England to study. She asked me to go with her, but I don't want to." He shrugged. "It's just one of those things that happen."
Sanada frowned, not knowing what to say. I'm sorry seemed too trite. "You'll find someone else," he settled on.
Yukimura laughed at him. "You're terrible at this," he informed Sanada, and turned to Renji. "I'm counting on you to help ease my pain, Renji. Genichirou is not up to the task."
"I could offer you my shoulder," Renji said.
"Don't chuckle like that while you say it--it spoils the effect."
"I apologize."
Yukimura leaned forward, his hair falling charmingly over his eyes. He smiled sweetly. "Give me the rest of your ice cream, then, to make up for it."
Sanada pushed his towards Yukimura instead. "Here. I'm done with it."
His attention turned to Sanada again, Yukimura beamed. "I shall forgive both of you, then."
Sanada rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "We're relieved."
One hand still toying with his spoon, Renji pushed his sundae toward Yukimura too. "You can have mine as well."
"I don't need two," Yukimura told him with a smile, "one is enough."
---
Renji was quiet on their bus ride home, but Sanada figured he was just tired from an entire day out. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It wasn't until he got home that his cell phone beeped, the screen indicating that the message was from Renji.
I want you to know that it is all right to stop this. --Yanagi Renji
It took Sanada a full five seconds to get the meaning of the words, but when he did he frowned. He pressed on the speed dial for Renji's cell number. The phone rang once, twice, three times.
On the fourth ring, Renji picked up.
"For a data genius, you're being truly idiotic," Sanada told him.
Renji said nothing. Sanada waited for a while longer, and still, nothing.
"What made you bring this up?" Sanada asked him. He suspected he knew already.
"I don't want you to have any regrets, Genichirou. Now that he is free--"
"I don't want Seiichi," Sanada almost growled. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I can't believe you're even considering this."
"A month ago that was all there was to consider," Renji said.
Sanada frowned. "Things have changed." It was true that he'd had feelings of some kind for Yukimura, but Renji should know that he wouldn't do that to him, wouldn't agree to be with him unless he could be faithful in every way.
Somehow, it seemed Renji didn't know.
"Renji," Sanada murmured, making his voice softer. "I haven't looked at anyone but you for the past three weeks. I haven't wanted or needed to."
Still, silence.
Sanada closed his eyes and bit back a sigh. "Change into warm clothes. I'll be there in 15 minute. Meet me outside your house." He hung up before Renji could say anything else.
---
They met and took the next bus Sanada saw passing, and sat at the back where it was darker and there were less people. Sanada felt a flash of deja vu: was in this sort of setting that Renji first indicated--however vaguely--that he liked Sanada as more than a friend. Sanada supposed it was his turn now.
"Do you know where we're going?" Renji asked him when they sat down.
"No," Sanada admitted. "I just needed somewhere with a bit of privacy."
Renji cast an amused glance at the other passengers, who didn't seem to be paying much attention to them.
"Perhaps it wasn't a well thought-out plan," Sanada mumbled.
"We can get off in three stops," Renji said. "It's a five minute walk to the beach."
They walked down the path leading towards the sea. It was a good thing they'd dressed warmly; the weather had been uncharacteristically bad recently, and even in summer the beach was quite chilly. They sat down on the sand a few feet away from the water. The sea was calm, the waves only lapping gently at the shoreline.
"I am sorry," Renji said quietly.
"No..." Sanada grabbed a handful of sand and let the grains slide through his fingers, searching for a way to organize his thoughts. This should have been easier than kissing Renji for the first time, but it was still unfamiliar and Sanada didn't know how to express himself. Yukimura was right--he was terrible at saying the right things.
But this was important.
He turned to Renji. "I don't know," he began halting, "if I...ever really wanted him 'that way.'" Renji looked up at him, and he made himself go on. "It was attraction," he admitted, "but Seiichi being attractive is nothing new. I should have figured out sooner that it was just that." He paused, searching for the right words, because this was really the point and he couldn't screw it up. "That's not how it is with you," he said with certainty. "If I ever wanted him at all, I don't now. I just want you." He stopped, waiting for Renji to say something, indicate that he understood.
After a moment, Renji's lips curved into a small smile. "Okay," he said carefully. He leaned to the side until their shoulders touched.
Sanada allowed himself to relax. "So you'll stop thinking you're second choice now?"
"Yes."
---
Eventually it became too cold to stay much longer. They did anyway, sitting with their sides pressed close together, watching the ocean dance as they talked about their plans for the summer until a car passed by and Sanada realized with a start that the buses stopped running at around 2 a.m.
"Let's go back now," Renji spoke up, probably realizing the same thing. He got to his feet and helped Sanada up as well. "Do you want to sleep over?"
Sanada had told his parents as much. "Yes," he replied.
They walked all the way back up the path, and then waited for the next bus to come.
---
An hour later they were tiptoeing up the stairs to Renji's room.
"I'll get out the futon," Renji told him, reaching into a drawer to pull out a spare toothbrush. He rummaged through another drawer for a pair of pajamas, then passed both items to Sanada.
Sanada took them and headed quietly for the bathroom.
In the bathroom he brushed his teeth and changed into the pajamas, which were a little long in the legs. When he got back to Renji's room, the futon was laid out for both of them. Renji smiled at him, and picked up his own pajamas from the top of the dresser.
"I'll be right back," he said to Sanada.
Sanada made himself comfortable on the futon, and closed his eyes for a bit.
He woke up to Renji's hand sifting through his hair.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you." Renji whispered. His hand was warm. The room was darker than Sanada remembered it being.
"How long was I asleep?" he asked.
Renji leaned in closer, until Sanada could smell the minty scent of toothpaste on his breathe. His breath was warmer even than his hand. Sanada reached up to cup the back of his head and draw him the rest of the way in.
Kissing Renji was like playing a particularly good game of tennis. It was relaxing and familiar, and yet all of him was tense with excitement. The kiss went on for a long time. Sanada didn't know whether to concentrate on Renji's tongue licking gently but firmly into his mouth, or the hot touches trailing under his shirt. Then Renji shifted on top of him, and his erection pressed against Sanada's, and Sanada couldn't seem to concentrate on anything at all. He moaned, unable to stop himself.
Renji pulled back, breathing hard. His voice was strained when he spoke. "Should I stop?"
"No," Sanada told him, his own voice shaking. It was very difficult not to move his hips, rub their cocks against one another again. "Touch me."
Renji's exhaled sharply. He ducked his head to press kisses onto Sanada's jaw, down his neck. His hand trailed down to the waistband of Sanada's pajama bottoms, fingers hooking underneath, pressing against Sanada's hipbone. Sanada's breath quickened. "Lift up for me?" Renji murmured, and Sanada did. Renji pulled the pajama pants down in one smooth motion.
Sanada almost shuddered--whether from the cool air hitting his skin or the idea of being naked underneath Renji he didn't know. He didn't exactly have time to speculate, either, because Renji curled warm fingers around him and started stroking. He had bite down on his own lip to keep from moaning so loud the whole house heard.
Renji had stopped kissing his neck. He just had his cheek pressed against the skin there, breathing hot puffs of air that made Sanada's skin tingle. And his hand, his hand was touching Sanada, and it felt so good, so much better than Sanada's own touches, better than anything. He wanted to touch Renji too, wanted him to feel this way with an immediate, desperate need.
"Take yours off too." He nearly gasped the words.
Renji's hand stopped its ministrations long enough to accomplish the task, and then resumed its pumping along Sanada's cock.
Sanada reached blindly down, felt the hardened length against his palm. God. He closed his fist around it, started stroking in time to Renji's movements on his own cock. It felt strange, having someone else's cock in his hand, but a good kind of strange, and god, Renji was moaning, soft, keening moans that Sanada could only hear because he was so close.
He stroked Renji faster, wanting to continue hearing those sounds. Renji bucked his hips, moving them closer together, so that their knuckles rubbed. For some reason, the feel of Renji's hand going up and down at the same time as his sent Sanada into overdrive. He threw his free arm over Renji's neck and clung to him as he came. It took an extreme amount of effort to not cry out, but Sanada managed. He even managed to continue stroking Renji. He turned his head, catching Renji's mouth in a deep kiss.
"You too," he gasped when the kiss ended, Renji's hand closed over his own. It was slightly damp, and it took Sanada a moment to realize that it was his own come. If he hadn't already gone over the edge, this would have certainly done it. He let Renji guide his hand and tilted his head for yet another kiss.
He knew Renji was about to come when he felt the hand tighten around his, and broke the kiss to look down, because he had to see. Renji pressed their foreheads together and drew in hard, wet gasps as he orgasmed, his come hot and wet on Sanada's fingers.
---
They must have fallen asleep afterward, because Sanada woke up to Renji lying practically on top of him. He blinked groggily at the clock on the wall for several long moments before actually seeing the time.
His eyes widened.
"Renji," he called, moving on arm enough to touch the back of Renji's head. The bristly hairs on the back of Renji's neck felt good against his fingers.
"Mm," Renji replied, shifting above him. His eyes opened, taking in his surroundings, he rolled over onto his side to take some weight off Sanada. "Good morning," he said. Then blinked. "Or noon."
"One in the afternoon," Sanada corrected. "We overslept." It was an understatement. Renji's lips twitched.
"My parents have gone to visit relatives this weekend," Renji informed him. "I know you were worrying about them coming in and...seeing us."
Sanada relaxed as much as one could when there was dried come on one's belly. "I need a shower," he mumbled.
"So do I," Renji said with some amusement. He sat up. "Do you want to share one?" he asked casually.
Sanada's pulse quickened. "Okay."
---
The shower's spray felt good against his skin, and so did Renji's hands as they roamed over his body, slippery with soap. This wasn't the first time he'd been naked in front of Renji, but it was certainly the first time since early childhood anyone had lathered his back in the shower. It was also the first time he'd seen Renji wet and naked like this. He'd seen Renji in the changing rooms plenty of times, but that didn't compare to seeing him up close, being able to slide a palm against his ribs, feel the muscles there for himself. He could feel himself becoming aroused at the feel of it.
He jumped when Renji touched his cock, fisting it loosely, the soap making his hand glide. He brushed his lips against Sanada's cheek, turned to kiss him full on the mouth. "That feels good," he said, pressing closer, letting Sanada feel his own erection.
They brought each other off with their hands in the shower, and when he stepped outside, Sanada almost slipped on the bathroom tiles, his legs were so weak.
Downstairs, Renji's mother was waiting for them with a late lunch.
"I thought you were going to Uncle's today," Renji asked, his demeanor completely unaffected.
"I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I decided to let your father go by himself," Yanagi-san replied. "You two are up late," She cast Sanada a warm, knowing smile. Sanada could feel his face growing hot. The bathroom door creaked. She must have heard them leaving it together.
"Breakfast would be nice," Renji commented, smiling fondly at her. "You'll stay for dinner?" he asked Sanada.
Sanada nodded, then remembered something. "Ah, I haven't called my parents yet."
"They called this morning to check if you were here," Yanagi-san said. "I told them you slept over and were out helping my husband with the yard."
"Thank you," Sanada told her, feeling supremely grateful and embarrassed at the same time.
Breakfast was good, and he finished it quickly. Apparently certain activities left him famished.
When they were done, Sanada followed Renji upstairs again. They made themselves comfortable on the futon next to each other. After a few minutes, Renji chuckled quietly.
"That was terribly awkward," he murmured, leaning against Sanada a bit. "I'm sorry."
"No, I don't mind," Sanada replied, remembering the way Renji's mother smiled at him, with acceptance in her gaze.
---
"Niou said he saw you two kissing," Yukimura told then as he settled into the seat across from them. He arched an eyebrow at Sanada, then Renji. "How long has this been going on, and is it serious?"
"Two months," Sanada answered. He turned to meet Renji's eyes. "And yes, it's serious," he said quietly.
The corners of Renji's mouth turned upwards slightly.
Yukimura mocked a scowl. "Not even your best friend. Some trust you have in our friendship."
"We needed to work some things out first," Sanada said.
"Well, have you?"
Renji's smile widened. "Yes, I think we have."
"We have," Sanada agreed. Their fingers linked under the table, and Sanada felt a burst of happiness in his chest.
"So..." Yukimura said, leaning in and lowering his voice, a wicked glint in his eyes. "Who tops?"
Sanada kicked him under the table.
THE END
Author: crystalusagi
Recipient: illuminations
Pairing/Characters: Sanada/Yanagi
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sanada/Yukimura one-sidedness, karaoke
Disclaimer: Don't own them. This is just for fun and amusement =D
Summary: "You can't know until you try." Sanada experiences it first-hand.
Notes: Thank you to my wonderful betas who saved my ass. <3. Also, I didn't quite get everything you wanted in there, but I hope you enjoy it anyway, illuminations!
"You're staring," Renji said from across the table, voice soft and low. Sanada looked back at him, eyes flicking away from Yukimura's profile just a few tables away. Renji wasn't looking at him. Instead he was picking up a clump of rice with his chopsticks and bringing it to his lips, eyes already half-closed, as if to savor the taste. Sanada remembered his own half-eaten lunch, and picked up a piece of daikon. He tried to keep the embarrassment from showing on his face.
His gaze hadn't lingered for very long on Yukimura, and no one else would have noticed it, but Renji knew Sanada better than anyone.
When Sanada didn't respond--Renji must have known that he wouldn't have--Renji set his chopsticks down and gave Sanada a level stare. "You should just tell him, Genichirou."
It was probably just his imagination that he heard a hint of impatience in Renji's voice. "There's no need to," he told Renji. "I'll get over it." He said this last statement with as much conviction as he could muster.
Renji shook his head, frowning. "That's what you've been saying since...how long has it been?" It wasn't really a question.
It had been going on since March--over half a year now. Renji had guessed it almost immediately, and from the beginning Sanada had been insisting that it was just temporary, that his feelings would go away on their own soon enough. Only they hadn't. "There is no reason to tell him," Sanada answered. He leaned in and lowered his voice, so that the others on their table would not overhear. "Seiichi is not attracted to--" He stopped. This was saying too much.
"He could be," Renji countered. "You can't know until you try, Genichirou."
Sanada sighed, chopsticks clattering on the edge of his container. "How likely is that, according to your data?" he asked slowly, meeting Renji's gaze again.
Renji didn't answer. He looked back down to his food, securing the lid on the container and putting his chopsticks neatly away. "I can't say."
For all that Renji meant well, Sanada found himself in a state of unease for the rest of the day.
---
Yukimura bumped shoulders with him as they walked out of their last class together. It wasn't one they shared with Renji, and in some ways Sanada was glad. He didn't know how he would feel to have Renji watch this display of easy intimacy, knowing that it meant much more to him than it did to Yukimura. And Renji always watched, when he was with them.
"You seem weird today," Yukimura said to him, head cocked to one side. "Did something happen?"
Sanada shook his head, feeling suddenly exposed. He wished he'd taken his cap out before exiting the classroom. That would have been disrespectful, though, and Sanada liked this teacher. "I got into a disagreement with Renji," he mumbled. It was a sort of truth.
Yukimura frowned. "Yeah, I noticed at lunch," he said.
He must have looked their way while they were discussing him. Sanada adjusted the bag on his shoulders, feeling his hands grow clammy, and looked down the hallway, towards Renji's last class. "It's not serious," he told Yukimura. "We'll work it out."
Yukimura poked him in the side. "Do you want to talk about it?"
You should just tell him, Genichirou.
"No, not now."
Yukimura's frown deepened, and he elbowed Sanada lightly. "Just don't be stupid. Either of you." His pace quickened. "Look, there's Renji."
---
Sanada and Renji lived in the same area, so they took the bus home together most days, unless Renji had other activities after school. Today the bus was relatively empty, which meant they were able to get seats all the way in the back, where it was quieter. Sanada went in first, and took a seat by the window. Renji sat down on the seat next to him.
The bus started, and Sanada watched the road speed past them. There were a couple of students he recognized on the sidewalk. The afternoon sun made his face warm.
"Are you still angry at me?" Renji's voice was very quiet.
Sanada thought about it. He hadn't thought of himself as angry at Renji; he had no reason to be angry at anyone but himself. Of course, his grandfather had always told him that the foolish man was one who believed anger to be a rational thing. "Not anymore," he answered. "I would just rather..." He paused, tried to think of a way to express himself. He didn't know how, after all.
"I understand," Renji said anyway. It was one of the things Sanada liked about Renji: he understood things in that firm, steady way of his, and Sanada never had to say more than he could.
The atmosphere seemed to shift and Sanada felt himself relax. The rest of the bus ride they talked about a book Renji had just finished on shogi strategies. Sanada listened with interest, and as they neared Sanada's house Renji suggested that they schedule a day to test out the strategies.
Sanada got off the bus feeling better about the day.
---
That Saturday Renji came over, and they spent several hours in the morning playing shogi. Sanada only won once in the four matches and after the third match, he had to concede the strategies really were very helpful. Renji produced the book from his bag and passed it over.
"I got an extra copy for you," he said. "A present."
"You didn't have to," Sanada mumbled, but he was already flipping through the pages. The author had an engaging style, he found, and it wasn't difficult to get caught up in the explanations.
Sanada glanced over and saw that Renji had pulled out a novel he'd never seen before and had started reading it.
Some time passed this way, with the two of them sitting across from one another at Sanada's small table. The room was silent except for rustle of pages being turned and Sanada felt a sense of well-being encompass him. Their visits often turned out this way, with the both of them immersed in their own activities and the entire atmosphere suffused in this easy silence.
He was so immersed in the simple bliss of spending time this way with a good friend that he didn't notice that there were footsteps outside until the door swung open and Yukimura stood there looking down at them.
"Am I interrupting?" he asked with an amused smile.
Renji set his book down, smiling back at him. "Ah, Seiichi. No, we were just reading."
"Why are you here?" Sanada asked Yukimura, closing his book with something like regret. It really was a good book.
Yukimura raised an eyebrow. "Do you have a problem with it? I called Renji and his father said he was here."
Sanada frowned. "You know I don't." It was always nice to see Yukimura, and they saw less of one another these days; they were in two very different tracks in school.
Yukimura grinned. "Well, I wanted to go somewhere together. How does that sound?"
"That's fine," Renji replied, standing up. Sanada followed suit. "What are we doing?"
"Let's do karaoke," Yukimura suggested after a moment.
---
They used to do this a lot more when they were in their first year of high school, but they had less time now that college entrance exams were drawing nearer and everyone had to think about studying and the future. Sanada still kept up his weekly visits with Renji, but most of that time was spent reading or studying anyway, so he didn't know if it countered.
"What will you sing?" Renji asked Yukimura as they were led down the hall by one of the workers.
Yukimura grinned. "I don't know. I was going to have you and Genichirou sing me a duet first."
"It should be you and Renji," Sanada told him. "Someone has to take the girl's part." Yukimura elbowed him.
In the end, Yukimura made them sing the theme song to Hoshi no Kinka with him to start the night off. Sanada lost track of the number of songs the three of them sang. Yukimura was in very good spirits today, and even Renji, who was the least musically-inclined of the three, was getting into the mood of things. He and Sanada did sing that duet together after all towards the end of the night, and their voices were already so strained that the lyrics, some of them in badly put-together English, hardly made sense at all. Yukimura was laughing by the time they finished the song.
Eventually, it got late enough that Sanada started to worry about the buses stopping their runs. Yukimura reluctantly set the remote down, and made Renji finish the last song. They'd ordered a few soft drinks and some snacks, and things had gotten messy. Sanada started to clear up as Renji's song wound down.
"I think I got myself a girlfriend today," Yukimura announced suddenly.
There was a moment when Sanada thought he'd heard something else, and then it really registered, the word girlfriend. Yukimura raised an eyebrow at the both of them, as if to say 'well?'
"That's great," Sanada managed, an odd breathlessness threatening to take hold of him. "Who is she?"
"Kano Mizuki," Yukimura said with a grin.
"Well, this is a surprise," Renji spoke up. "She graduated two years before us, didn't she? An upperclassman." He darted a quick glance at Sanada, who was trying hard to not look away from Yukimura. If he avoided Yukimura's eyes right now...
"We were in the same art history class." Yukimura's smile was sweet and terribly happy, and seeing it, Sanada didn't have the heart to be upset about this. "We kept in touch."
"That's good," Sanada told him, reaching over to grasp his shoulder, "I'm glad you're happy."
Yukimura beamed at him, then turned to Renji. "Well?"
Renji smiled back, though his tone was reproachful. "You didn't say you had your eye on anyone, Seiichi."
Yukimura stuck his tongue out. "I am allowed to have secrets from you." He gave them a level look. "I bet you two keep plenty of secrets from me."
Only one, Sanada thought to himself, as Renji sent him another glance while Yukimura wasn't watching.
---
On the bus, while Yukimura asked Renji about his bonzai growing techniques, Sanada looked out the window at the lamp-lit streets and thought about what Yukimura had told them. He had a girlfriend now. Sanada had known it was only a matter of time. He found that he wasn't...all that bothered by Yukimura's announcement, although he knew he probably should have been. He'd experienced a brief rush of disappointment when he first heard the news--perhaps he had harbored some hope that Yukimura could be into guys after all--but that had faded surprisingly fast. There was a dull ache at the center of his chest, but if he didn't concentrate on it then it was barely even discernible. Was this how heartbreak was supposed to feel, he wondered to himself, then felt a bit horrified at his use of the word 'heartbreak'.
"That's my stop," Yukimura piped up, and stood to get off the bus. "Stay out of trouble," he called jokingly back to them as the door swung shut behind him.
Alone with Renji, who knew all about his unrequited feelings for Yukimura, Sanada felt unexpectedly embarrassed. He'd been turned down even before he could ask, it seemed, and Renji had been there to witness it all.
"I'm sorry," Renji said quietly when the bus started to move again.
Sanada shook his head.
They didn't speak again until bus turned the corner to Renji's house.
"Genichirou," Renji said in a voice that made Sanada turn away from the window to give him his full attention. "I--" He hesitated, in a completely uncharacteristic manner. In the darkness it was hard to place his expression.
"What?" Sanada prompted.
Very slowly and deliberately, Renji reached out and touched Sanada's arm, not quite gripping but nonetheless holding on. His fingers were cold. "Seiichi is not the only person in the world," he murmured, his voice sounding uneven in the small space separating them. He took his hand away before Sanada could make sense of his words, and then he was gone.
---
The next day was a Sunday. Sanada's first thought when he woke up was that Renji was supposed to be coming over today, and Sanada would ask him why he had sounded so strange last night. His second thought was that Yukimura had a girlfriend now, and while he still didn't know what to think about that, Yukimura was his friend and he wanted him to be happy. If this girl could make Yukimura smile like that all the time, then Sanada decided he could be okay with this. Which still left him with the feel of Renji's cold fingers on his skin, and the almost-tremble in Renji's voice as he told Sanada that Seiichi wasn't the only one.
"Do you want me to come over today?" Renji asked over the phone after lunchtime. Renji almost never called to confirm a meeting with Sanada, especially one planned in advance.
"I already told my mother you'd be over for dinner," Sanada lied. He held the phone close to his ear and fiddled with a calligraphy brush with his free hand. Could it be that Renji wanted to avoid him?
"All right. I'll see you in half an hour."
---
Renji stood in Sanada's room, arms cradling a huge stack of books. It was probably only Sanada's imagination that he held the books to his body as a warrior might hold a shield in battle.
"I thought we could begin studying for the history final," he said as set them down on the desk. The history final was three weeks away. Sanada sat down at the desk anyway, and started reading.
After a full fifteen minutes of reading and not processing any of the information he took down in his notes, Sanada turned to Renji, who had taken a seat on the floor, leaning his back against Sanada's bed.
"Are you all right?" he asked, for lack of something better to say.
Renji looked up from his own book. "Isn't that my line?"
Sanada shook his head. "I'm fine with what Yukimura said, if that's what you mean." It hardly changed the way things always were between them.
"That's not what I meant." Renji was gripping his book so firmly his knuckles paled, but his face was the same as always. He might as well have been arguing a discrepancy in their class notes, not...whatever this was.
"If you're saying there is something else I should be concerned about, then tell me what it is," Sanada demanded, "because I don't understand you."
Something flashed in Renji's eyes. There was hardly any space between them in the small room, and Renji only had to take a couple of steps to reach him. He braced an arm against the back of Sanada's chair and leaned in. Too close.
Sanada felt an unexpected tightness in his chest. He couldn't explain it, and it only got worse when Renji spoke to him, breath smelling of tea and lemon, blowing puffs of warm air against his skin.
"I don't understand this either," Renji told him. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, looking more resolved. "This is too soon," he said, shaking his head.
Sanada remembered the way he pulled his hand away last night in the darkness of the bus.
"Renji--"
"I feel unwell, Genichirou," Renji interrupted, not looking at his eyes. "I'm going home now. I will apologize to your mother on my way out."
Then he left again.
---
"I thought you said you'd work it out." Yukimura was frowning at him over lunch. It was already Wednesday, and he hadn't had a real conversation with Renji all week.
"I'll be studying in the library at lunch," Renji had told him on Monday. Sanada had offered to come with him, but Renji had shaken head. "It's for a biology report," he said. A class they didn't share. "I'll be fine on my own."
Sanada didn't doubt that Renji would be, but their encounter the day before had worried him and he'd wanted to talk about it.
He glared at Yukimura. "Things became more complicated." It was true. Somehow it had stopped being about his crush on Yukimura, and turned into something completely different. It was certainly ironic that last week it was Yukimura he and Renji had been discussing, and now he and Yukimura were discussing Renji.
"Genichirou," Yukimura said, voice completely serious. "Fix this. He won't tell me what's wrong either, but it's definitely you."
Sanada rolled his eyes. "That makes me feel so much better."
Yukimura wiped his chopsticks off with a napkin. "As much time as you spend with him these days, you don't know him very well at all, do you?"
"What?"
Yukimura sighed. "If something is bothering Renji, he'll just pretend it doesn't bother him and ignore it. Nothing gets fixed if you leave him alone."
"So I should force him to talk when he doesn't want to?"
Yukimura looked at him as though he was an idiot. "Yes."
---
"Yukimura says that if we don't talk on our own he'll intervene, and duct tape will be involved." It wasn't exactly the ideal thing to say, but he'd been standing outside the library for close to half an hour before going in and had discarded about a dozen other lines.
Renji blinked at him from his seat. "I wasn't aware we weren't talking," he said mildly.
"Weren't you?" Sanada asked, startled at how confrontational the words came out. He brushed any sense of frustration away, and took a step toward Renji, putting a hand on his arm. "Come with me."
He led him to one of the student study rooms and closed the door.
"What is it, Genichirou?"
"Seiichi is not the only person in the world," he said hesitantly. He paused, watching Renji carefully.
Renji sighed, sat down on one of the chair and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. Perhaps he's not, but for you, so soon after--"
Sanada came closer and slapped a hand on the table in front of him. Renji opened his eyes and looked up. Sanada held his gaze. "Who else is there?"
Renji was silent, and Sanada began to think that maybe he'd over-reacted, gotten it all wrong, and there wasn't anything out of the ordinary going on with the two of them aside from temporary illness and a suddenly very busy schedule. Then Renji leaned forward slowly and didn't stop until their lips met.
Sanada didn't know what answer he had expected, but a kiss certainly hadn't been it. It was brief, just a firm press of lips against lips, but it still left Sanada breathless when Renji pulled back.
"Does that answer your question?"
He drew in a slow breath. "Yes." He frowned, looked at Renji questioningly. "When did this happen?"
"When we started spending Sunday afternoons together," Renji replied. "You mumbled passages from your book aloud to yourself. I couldn't stop watching."
Sanada still couldn't read Renji's expression. "I'm not sure how I feel," he said truthfully. "I've never thought of you that way."
"I know," Renji said. Of course he knew; he was Renji.
The silence stretched between them. Sanada didn't know what to say. The idea of Renji thinking about him, watching him as he read aloud and kissing him was entirely new.
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period. In a way Sanada was relieved, because he wasn't ready to address this yet.
"Well be late if we don't hurry," he told Renji, and opened the door. Renji stood staring at him for a second longer, then exited first. Sanada felt something heavy in his chest as he watched Renji's back.
---
"So how did it go?" Yukimura asked as he put his textbook away and slid out of his seat.
Sanada considered lying, telling Yukimura that he hadn't talked to Renji yet, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. "The bell rang before we could say much," he told Yukimura instead. It was true enough.
"Well, you ride the bus home together, don't you?" Yukimura quipped. "Just continue then. Ah, hold on." He stopped to pull his buzzing cell phone out to answer it. "Hello?" He raised an eyebrow, mouthed 'It's Renji.'
Sanada already knew where this was going.
"Okay," Yukimura muttered, frowning, "You could have told him that yourself." A pause. "Fine, I'll call you tonight." He hung up. "He was in a hurry and left early. He said to tell you to catch the bus without him. What is wrong with the two of you?" There was real concern in his voice.
Sanada shook his head, feeling like a jerk for being relieved that Renji was avoiding him when just a few hours ago he was worried. "I don't want to talk about it." He couldn't very well tell Yukimura what had happened, could he?
---
'You can't know until you try,' Renji had told him. Was Renji telling himself that as well?
That night Sanada stayed up for a long time thinking about things, and coming to no conclusions. Renji had said he liked Sanada's mumbling while he read, had said he liked Sanada, enough to confess to him knowing full well he had someone else on his mind. Renji had kissed Sanada, and it hadn't felt...
It hadn't felt bad.
The phone rang. Sanada answered.
It was Renji.
"I'm sorry for surprising you like that," he started "I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything."
Sanada leaned against his pillow and closed his eyes. "I know."
"Nothing has to change."
Renji's voice lacked the steadfast conviction it usually possessed, and Sanada made a vague sound of acknowledgment. His hands felt colder, and there was an an unfamiliar pressure in his chest.
"Genichirou."
"Don't worry," he managed, "nothing will change." He was sure Renji knew it was a lie.
---
Sanada woke up feeling as if he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. The phone conversation with Renji the night before had been short and to the point, and it should have relieved Sanada, but he only felt confused and frustrated when they hung up. How could he just ignore Renji's feelings when they were undoubtedly there? What kind of a friend would he be?
But then, what else could he do?
His steps dragged as he walked to the bus stop, and when it finally arrived, Sanada made his way to the back to find Renji looking just as calm as he always did. When he sat, Renji smiled and held something out to him.
It was the book he'd asked to borrow the week earlier.
"Thanks," he murmured; Renji nodded, then stared out the window again.
He felt as though he should say something. "Will you be eating lunch in the cafeteria today?" he asked.
"I finished the biology project last night, so yes."
And he was done avoiding Sanada now--they'd agreed everything would go back to normal. So why did Sanada feel that something had become displaced and why didn't he know how to fix it?
---
Renji came to sit with him at lunch, but Sanada was still confused and distracted, and couldn't act as though nothing was going on. He ended up not paying attention to Renji's attempts at conversation, and Renji left halfway through the lunch period, packing up his still half-full bento and refusing to look Sanada in the eye. Sanada watched him go and felt like the most horrible person on earth.
This wasn't going to work. They couldn't ignore this, and they were both stupid to think they could.
"...ichirou?"
"Mm?" Sanada looked up from his slaughtered onigiri to see Yukimura kneeling on the bench across from him. He blinked. When had Yukimura gotten there?
Yukimura rolled his eyes. "How long is this lover's spat of yours going to go on?" he asked.
Sanada frowned. "What?"
Yukimura settled down into his seat and tilted his head to one side, propping his chin up with his hands. "Let's see, what could be wrong?" he began. "Is it that you're deeply in love and expressing it in such a caveman way that he's become too disgusted to associate with you?" He bit his lip, arching an eyebrow, then shook his head. "No, Renji probably likes the caveman thing."
Sanada gave him a very unimpressed stare. It didn't help matters that Yukimura was right in a way. Renji did like him.
"And you're still not paying attention to me." Yukimura prodded Sanada's foot with his own under the table to make a point. "Just make up with your boyfriend already, Sanada," he ordered.
He really hadn't been paying much attention to Yukimura, had he? He'd thought it would begin to hurt once it'd sunken in that Yukimura had someone, but it hadn't. He had been paying attention to Renji all this time.
"I've got to go," he told Yukimura, then left the table as fast as he could.
---
It took him a while, but he eventually found Renji sitting in one of the empty classrooms, writing something in his notebook. Renji didn't notice him until he was already halfway across the room. He watched calmly as Sanada made it the rest of the way to him.
Sanada drew in a long breath, and sat down across from him. He'd had all the words in his head as he was rushing around the school, trying to locate Renji. Now that he was right there, it was difficult to recall them. "I...was telling the truth when I said I'd never thought of you that way," he began, finding it hard to keep his hands from gripping at something.
Renji nodded. "I know," he said in a soft voice.
"But," Sanada said, feeling as though he had a thousand jagged stones weighing down his stomach, "that doesn't mean I--" He didn't know how to say this so that it would make sense. He didn't want to make promises, but he couldn't look at the resignation surfacing on Renji's face without saying anything either. "Would it be all right," he tried, "if I thought about it?"
Renji's expression broke, his calm mask slipping for a split second to reveal surprise and something else Sanada couldn't quite recognize. Then the mask was up again, and Renji nodded. His voice was very soft when he spoke, and it trembled a bit, the way it had on the bus that night. "It would be more than all right."
---
"So how did it go?" Yukimura asked as Sanada settled into the seat beside him.
Sanada thought about the very small smile on Renji's face as they left the classroom together, and the things he himself had said. He still had a lot of thinking to do, and a lot to get used to, but it didn't seem quite as important as Renji's smile right now. He had never seen Renji smile like that before.
"Perhaps things will be better now," he told Yukimura. Or much more awkward.
"Good. I'm glad everything's back to normal," Yukimura said in a cheerful tone.
Sanada opened his textbook, and glanced at the clock. He'd be riding home with Renji again after this and, contrary to what Yukimura had said, things weren't back to normal. He found he didn't mind it all that much.
---
"...and he insisted that Nobunaga was assassinated in 1583," Sanada continued angrily. "It happened in 1582. As a history teacher, he should have read the book." He paused to scribble something rather savagely in his notebook. "Men like that should not be allowed to teach."
Renji looked up at him, amusement showing clear in his eyes. "Are you done ranting now?" he asked, reaching over to take hold of Sanada's notes. "We can both concentrate on studying?"
"Aa," Sanada mumbled, realizing that he'd been talking loudly while Renji had been studying for their literature exam for a long time now. "Sorry." He fell silent. They really had to get this material before tomorrow's test.
He reached for his textbook and started to read, but it was only a few minutes before he gave up. He was still too outraged by the teacher's incompetence to concentrate on the text; the words just began to flow together in a nonsensical mess. So he watched Renji instead.
Sanada cared for Renji. He'd cared for him for a long time, the way someone cared for their best friend. Now that he took the time to think about it, Sanada realized it wasn't completely different from how he cared for Yukimura.
It had been obvious with Yukimura. Sanada had noticed now nice his hair looked falling across his face, how his smile lit up the entire room, how his laugh sounded good, made Sanada want to laugh too. Renji was different from Yukimura, who seemed too special and unreachable sometimes. Renji was more like Sanada, an equal that he could talk to on even ground. He didn't truly smile often, and when he did it wasn't the bright, full-toothed grins that Yukimura sported. But Sanada liked it, all the same.
He began to wonder if he truly understood his feelings for either Renji or Yukimura at all. What about his feelings for Yukimura were so different that they surpassed the boundaries of friendship into something else? As hard as he tried, he couldn't figure it out.
Sanada pondered this as he watched Renji from across the table. Renji wasn't smiling now, but the way he furrowed his brow and silently mouthed the words as he read, Sanada thought, was beautiful. The thought came abruptly; it surprised Sanada, and embarrassed him a little. This close up, Sanada could see Renji's eyelashes. They were dark, and from this angle it looked as if Renji's eyes were closed.
Sanada remembered Renji's kiss, and how his eyes were closed then, shut tight against whatever fears he might have had. He remembered the small smile Renji gave him afterward as they left the library.
Renji's smile, Sanada realized, feeling his heart beat faster, was more than beautiful. How could I have missed this?
Then Renji looked up. His eyes met Sanada's, a little startled at finding himself being examined so closely. "What is it?"
Sanada was sure he could feel his face heating up. He had been staring. "Nothing," he replied. He lowered his eyes to the book in his hands. "Just thinking."
As he was leaving, Renji's knuckles brushed against Sanada's forearm as he reached for his notes. The touch gave Sanada a tiny, unexpected thrill, and it didn't help matters that when he looked Renji's face was a little flushed.
He discovered that it was quite attractive, that brush of color.
---
Kirihara had scheduled a match with the old Seigaku regulars at the end of the week, a sort of mock tournament. The winning team would get free sushi from Kawamura's father, who apparently owned a restaurant. They played at Rikkai's courts, because they were bigger.
The match lasted until sundown and ended with a draw; Sanada had to admit he was quite pleased with how the day had turned out, despite having drawn a doubles game. Usually Sanada hated playing doubles, but he'd been paired with Renji today, and Renji always seemed to make it easier. Sanada didn't know anyone else who could make him feel so comfortable on the court. The one time he'd tried it with Yukimura, they'd lost an entire game to the other team, resulting in only a 6-1 win. They hadn't tried that again.
The group agreed to meet up in an hour for sushi, and the Seigaku players left. Everyone in Rikkai opted to wash up in the school's changing rooms, because it was quicker that way. Only Jackal hadn't brought clothes, and had to go home to change.
When Sanada emerged from his shower, Yukimura was rummaging around in his bag on one of the benches, completely nude. It had been a long time since he'd been in the changing rooms with Yukimura, but he supposed things didn't change, did they? Niou had his trousers on, and was slowly buttoning his shirt, standing close to him. Yagyuu was already dressed.
Niou smirked at Yukimura, leaning one shoulder against the wall. "You've got her so hot for you that she even follows you around on lunch breaks, huh."
Yukimura grinned broadly back at him, and aimed a tennis ball at his head. He ducked it easily. "So?"
"So we've all seen you sucking face right on campus." He arched an eyebrow. "Discreet much, buchou?"
Yukimura just laughed.
Kirihara, who had been listening from the other side of the room, developed a grin of his own. "Niou-senpai, what about you?" he asked. "You've been ki--ugh!" Marui had whipped him with a wet towel, and a fast chase around the room ensued. Sanada looked on as he finished dressing, trying to decide whether he should be amused or dismayed. One of the shower doors clicked, and Renji walked past him with only a towel clinging to his hip.
Sanada followed him with his eyes.
Renji was paler than Sanada was, and all that white skin was laid over a very well-proportioned body. Sanada had never looked at him before, had never considered how strong Renji's calves looked, or how nicely the muscles on his back flexed as he walked. Only he was looking now, and it...wasn't as uncomfortable or as weird as he'd thought, to consider.
---
When Renji came over the next Sunday, Sanada locked his bedroom door behind them, his hand slippery on the polished metal. Renji was looking at him with undisguised curiosity when he turned around. Sanada tried not to hold himself so stiffly as he walked over to where Renji stood in the middle of the room.
"I've thought about it," Sanada told him. It was impossibly difficult to say the words aloud, as simple as they sounded, and for a split-second Sanada was worried that Renji didn't know what he was referring to.
Renji's mouth parted, his eyes widened a little. "Have you reached any conclusions?" He didn't look at Sanada in the face. He stared hard at Sanada's shoulder instead.
"Look up," Sanada said.
Renji met his eyes. Sanada reached over and tentatively cupped the back of his neck before leaning in to ease his mouth over Renji's.
It was...very different from last time. Renji's lips were slightly open when Sanada kissed him, and it felt moister, hotter. Renji tilted his head back just the slightest bit. It made their lips fit better together.
It was Renji who broke the kiss eventually. "So that was why you locked the door," he breathed, face flushed.
Sanada made a sound of acknowledgment and slid his fingers through Renji's hair, feeling the strands sift between them. He was positive that his ears were turning pink; he could feel it.
"Does this mean you can think of me 'that way'?" Renji's voice held some humor.
Sanada nodded. "Yes," he said, feeling happy and relieved and wanting very badly to kiss Renji again.
So he did.
---
Sanada had never once in his life been in a situation in which the feelings were reciprocal. It had always been unrequited on one end or the other. With Yukimura, he spent most of his time watching and thinking, acting as he normally did around Yukimura and wishing that it would just go away and leave him alone.
With Renji, it was more complicated. He truly did not know how to approach this.
They did the same things they had aways done--study together, jog together, have lunch together. They played shogi or tennis or sometimes, when they were feeling lazy and relaxed, did the Sunday crossword puzzles. Things hadn't changed at all. Except.
Except he began to notice the distance between their bodies when they sat together, and the small, insignificant touches he experienced when Renji's arm shifted on the table beside him. Sometimes, when they finished whatever it was they were doing that day, Renji would linger beside him and Sanada would find a reason to turn, and somehow they would end up kissing.
---
There was a hand pressed firmly on his thigh under the table. It was Renji's hand, and it was warm. Sanada's chest felt very, very warm too.
"Sanada-kun," Yagyuu said in his polite way, "Are you well?"
He blinked, focused on Yagyuu's face. He slipped one of his own hands under the table and grabbed Renji's. "Ah, sorry. I was up late studying." Renji's knuckles caressed his palm. Sanada was reminded of the feel of them against his jaw as Renji kissed him last night, when they finished the material in their books.
"Perhaps we should call it a night," Yagyuu suggested. He turned to Niou, who was laughing about something with Kirihara and Marui. Niou cast him a quick glance, then turned his gaze to Sanada and grinned somewhat wickedly.
Sanada blinked back, unimpressed. Even if Niou knew something, he wasn't enough of an idiot to spread things around. At least, Sanada didn't think he was. At any rate, it didn't matter.
"I think that would be wise," Renji spoke up beside him. His fingers squeezed. "I still have a lot of studying to do tonight, myself."
"I could ride with you," Sanada offered.
Renji smiled that almost-there smile that made Sanada feel as if he'd launched the perfect serve six times over. "All right."
---
Things were going well. In fact, they had never been better. Sanada was even glad that Yukimura had gotten his girlfriend. If he hadn't, Renji might not have said anything, and Sanada wouldn't feel as good as he did now.
"Let's go on a trip when this is over," he said to Renji when they'd finished their last study session before exams.
Renji looked up from his book. He seemed pleased with the idea. "The two of us, or the group?"
"Which would you prefer?"
Renji chuckled. "Yes, I'd like to spend some time alone with you," he told Sanada. Now he seemed very pleased.
Sanada allowed himself a smile. It was probably a good sign that he liked it even when Renji made fun of him.
---
The college entrance exams would start soon, and Sanada found himself spending a lot of time in library with Renji in the next couple of weeks. Most of their classes had let out, and they spent most of their free time in one of the small study rooms with books piled around them, taking notes. Every once in a while, they would stop, and one of them would lean over and they would kiss until they couldn't breath anymore. Then they'd break apart, gasping, and resume their studying.
They were about to leave when Sanada decided that he wanted another kiss from Renji. They were already at the door, and it was simple to just back Renji up against him and press their bodies close, take Renji's mouth for himself. The kiss was wet and sweet and hot, and it only got more intense when Sanada felt Renji's erection pressing against his thigh. They had to stay for an extra five minutes, just so the both of them could calm down enough to be seen in public.
That night, Sanada touched himself thinking of Renji's hands on him, stroking him slowly till he came.
---
"Well," Yukimura said, picking up a cherry with his spoon from his own sundae, "it seems as though I don't have a girlfriend anymore." He said it casually, as though it was random and unimportant, but Sanada and Renji both knew him better than that.
"You broke up?" Renji asked, setting his spoon down.
"It was mutual," Yukimura explained with a rather subdued smile. "She's going to England to study. She asked me to go with her, but I don't want to." He shrugged. "It's just one of those things that happen."
Sanada frowned, not knowing what to say. I'm sorry seemed too trite. "You'll find someone else," he settled on.
Yukimura laughed at him. "You're terrible at this," he informed Sanada, and turned to Renji. "I'm counting on you to help ease my pain, Renji. Genichirou is not up to the task."
"I could offer you my shoulder," Renji said.
"Don't chuckle like that while you say it--it spoils the effect."
"I apologize."
Yukimura leaned forward, his hair falling charmingly over his eyes. He smiled sweetly. "Give me the rest of your ice cream, then, to make up for it."
Sanada pushed his towards Yukimura instead. "Here. I'm done with it."
His attention turned to Sanada again, Yukimura beamed. "I shall forgive both of you, then."
Sanada rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "We're relieved."
One hand still toying with his spoon, Renji pushed his sundae toward Yukimura too. "You can have mine as well."
"I don't need two," Yukimura told him with a smile, "one is enough."
---
Renji was quiet on their bus ride home, but Sanada figured he was just tired from an entire day out. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It wasn't until he got home that his cell phone beeped, the screen indicating that the message was from Renji.
I want you to know that it is all right to stop this. --Yanagi Renji
It took Sanada a full five seconds to get the meaning of the words, but when he did he frowned. He pressed on the speed dial for Renji's cell number. The phone rang once, twice, three times.
On the fourth ring, Renji picked up.
"For a data genius, you're being truly idiotic," Sanada told him.
Renji said nothing. Sanada waited for a while longer, and still, nothing.
"What made you bring this up?" Sanada asked him. He suspected he knew already.
"I don't want you to have any regrets, Genichirou. Now that he is free--"
"I don't want Seiichi," Sanada almost growled. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I can't believe you're even considering this."
"A month ago that was all there was to consider," Renji said.
Sanada frowned. "Things have changed." It was true that he'd had feelings of some kind for Yukimura, but Renji should know that he wouldn't do that to him, wouldn't agree to be with him unless he could be faithful in every way.
Somehow, it seemed Renji didn't know.
"Renji," Sanada murmured, making his voice softer. "I haven't looked at anyone but you for the past three weeks. I haven't wanted or needed to."
Still, silence.
Sanada closed his eyes and bit back a sigh. "Change into warm clothes. I'll be there in 15 minute. Meet me outside your house." He hung up before Renji could say anything else.
---
They met and took the next bus Sanada saw passing, and sat at the back where it was darker and there were less people. Sanada felt a flash of deja vu: was in this sort of setting that Renji first indicated--however vaguely--that he liked Sanada as more than a friend. Sanada supposed it was his turn now.
"Do you know where we're going?" Renji asked him when they sat down.
"No," Sanada admitted. "I just needed somewhere with a bit of privacy."
Renji cast an amused glance at the other passengers, who didn't seem to be paying much attention to them.
"Perhaps it wasn't a well thought-out plan," Sanada mumbled.
"We can get off in three stops," Renji said. "It's a five minute walk to the beach."
They walked down the path leading towards the sea. It was a good thing they'd dressed warmly; the weather had been uncharacteristically bad recently, and even in summer the beach was quite chilly. They sat down on the sand a few feet away from the water. The sea was calm, the waves only lapping gently at the shoreline.
"I am sorry," Renji said quietly.
"No..." Sanada grabbed a handful of sand and let the grains slide through his fingers, searching for a way to organize his thoughts. This should have been easier than kissing Renji for the first time, but it was still unfamiliar and Sanada didn't know how to express himself. Yukimura was right--he was terrible at saying the right things.
But this was important.
He turned to Renji. "I don't know," he began halting, "if I...ever really wanted him 'that way.'" Renji looked up at him, and he made himself go on. "It was attraction," he admitted, "but Seiichi being attractive is nothing new. I should have figured out sooner that it was just that." He paused, searching for the right words, because this was really the point and he couldn't screw it up. "That's not how it is with you," he said with certainty. "If I ever wanted him at all, I don't now. I just want you." He stopped, waiting for Renji to say something, indicate that he understood.
After a moment, Renji's lips curved into a small smile. "Okay," he said carefully. He leaned to the side until their shoulders touched.
Sanada allowed himself to relax. "So you'll stop thinking you're second choice now?"
"Yes."
---
Eventually it became too cold to stay much longer. They did anyway, sitting with their sides pressed close together, watching the ocean dance as they talked about their plans for the summer until a car passed by and Sanada realized with a start that the buses stopped running at around 2 a.m.
"Let's go back now," Renji spoke up, probably realizing the same thing. He got to his feet and helped Sanada up as well. "Do you want to sleep over?"
Sanada had told his parents as much. "Yes," he replied.
They walked all the way back up the path, and then waited for the next bus to come.
---
An hour later they were tiptoeing up the stairs to Renji's room.
"I'll get out the futon," Renji told him, reaching into a drawer to pull out a spare toothbrush. He rummaged through another drawer for a pair of pajamas, then passed both items to Sanada.
Sanada took them and headed quietly for the bathroom.
In the bathroom he brushed his teeth and changed into the pajamas, which were a little long in the legs. When he got back to Renji's room, the futon was laid out for both of them. Renji smiled at him, and picked up his own pajamas from the top of the dresser.
"I'll be right back," he said to Sanada.
Sanada made himself comfortable on the futon, and closed his eyes for a bit.
He woke up to Renji's hand sifting through his hair.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you." Renji whispered. His hand was warm. The room was darker than Sanada remembered it being.
"How long was I asleep?" he asked.
Renji leaned in closer, until Sanada could smell the minty scent of toothpaste on his breathe. His breath was warmer even than his hand. Sanada reached up to cup the back of his head and draw him the rest of the way in.
Kissing Renji was like playing a particularly good game of tennis. It was relaxing and familiar, and yet all of him was tense with excitement. The kiss went on for a long time. Sanada didn't know whether to concentrate on Renji's tongue licking gently but firmly into his mouth, or the hot touches trailing under his shirt. Then Renji shifted on top of him, and his erection pressed against Sanada's, and Sanada couldn't seem to concentrate on anything at all. He moaned, unable to stop himself.
Renji pulled back, breathing hard. His voice was strained when he spoke. "Should I stop?"
"No," Sanada told him, his own voice shaking. It was very difficult not to move his hips, rub their cocks against one another again. "Touch me."
Renji's exhaled sharply. He ducked his head to press kisses onto Sanada's jaw, down his neck. His hand trailed down to the waistband of Sanada's pajama bottoms, fingers hooking underneath, pressing against Sanada's hipbone. Sanada's breath quickened. "Lift up for me?" Renji murmured, and Sanada did. Renji pulled the pajama pants down in one smooth motion.
Sanada almost shuddered--whether from the cool air hitting his skin or the idea of being naked underneath Renji he didn't know. He didn't exactly have time to speculate, either, because Renji curled warm fingers around him and started stroking. He had bite down on his own lip to keep from moaning so loud the whole house heard.
Renji had stopped kissing his neck. He just had his cheek pressed against the skin there, breathing hot puffs of air that made Sanada's skin tingle. And his hand, his hand was touching Sanada, and it felt so good, so much better than Sanada's own touches, better than anything. He wanted to touch Renji too, wanted him to feel this way with an immediate, desperate need.
"Take yours off too." He nearly gasped the words.
Renji's hand stopped its ministrations long enough to accomplish the task, and then resumed its pumping along Sanada's cock.
Sanada reached blindly down, felt the hardened length against his palm. God. He closed his fist around it, started stroking in time to Renji's movements on his own cock. It felt strange, having someone else's cock in his hand, but a good kind of strange, and god, Renji was moaning, soft, keening moans that Sanada could only hear because he was so close.
He stroked Renji faster, wanting to continue hearing those sounds. Renji bucked his hips, moving them closer together, so that their knuckles rubbed. For some reason, the feel of Renji's hand going up and down at the same time as his sent Sanada into overdrive. He threw his free arm over Renji's neck and clung to him as he came. It took an extreme amount of effort to not cry out, but Sanada managed. He even managed to continue stroking Renji. He turned his head, catching Renji's mouth in a deep kiss.
"You too," he gasped when the kiss ended, Renji's hand closed over his own. It was slightly damp, and it took Sanada a moment to realize that it was his own come. If he hadn't already gone over the edge, this would have certainly done it. He let Renji guide his hand and tilted his head for yet another kiss.
He knew Renji was about to come when he felt the hand tighten around his, and broke the kiss to look down, because he had to see. Renji pressed their foreheads together and drew in hard, wet gasps as he orgasmed, his come hot and wet on Sanada's fingers.
---
They must have fallen asleep afterward, because Sanada woke up to Renji lying practically on top of him. He blinked groggily at the clock on the wall for several long moments before actually seeing the time.
His eyes widened.
"Renji," he called, moving on arm enough to touch the back of Renji's head. The bristly hairs on the back of Renji's neck felt good against his fingers.
"Mm," Renji replied, shifting above him. His eyes opened, taking in his surroundings, he rolled over onto his side to take some weight off Sanada. "Good morning," he said. Then blinked. "Or noon."
"One in the afternoon," Sanada corrected. "We overslept." It was an understatement. Renji's lips twitched.
"My parents have gone to visit relatives this weekend," Renji informed him. "I know you were worrying about them coming in and...seeing us."
Sanada relaxed as much as one could when there was dried come on one's belly. "I need a shower," he mumbled.
"So do I," Renji said with some amusement. He sat up. "Do you want to share one?" he asked casually.
Sanada's pulse quickened. "Okay."
---
The shower's spray felt good against his skin, and so did Renji's hands as they roamed over his body, slippery with soap. This wasn't the first time he'd been naked in front of Renji, but it was certainly the first time since early childhood anyone had lathered his back in the shower. It was also the first time he'd seen Renji wet and naked like this. He'd seen Renji in the changing rooms plenty of times, but that didn't compare to seeing him up close, being able to slide a palm against his ribs, feel the muscles there for himself. He could feel himself becoming aroused at the feel of it.
He jumped when Renji touched his cock, fisting it loosely, the soap making his hand glide. He brushed his lips against Sanada's cheek, turned to kiss him full on the mouth. "That feels good," he said, pressing closer, letting Sanada feel his own erection.
They brought each other off with their hands in the shower, and when he stepped outside, Sanada almost slipped on the bathroom tiles, his legs were so weak.
Downstairs, Renji's mother was waiting for them with a late lunch.
"I thought you were going to Uncle's today," Renji asked, his demeanor completely unaffected.
"I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I decided to let your father go by himself," Yanagi-san replied. "You two are up late," She cast Sanada a warm, knowing smile. Sanada could feel his face growing hot. The bathroom door creaked. She must have heard them leaving it together.
"Breakfast would be nice," Renji commented, smiling fondly at her. "You'll stay for dinner?" he asked Sanada.
Sanada nodded, then remembered something. "Ah, I haven't called my parents yet."
"They called this morning to check if you were here," Yanagi-san said. "I told them you slept over and were out helping my husband with the yard."
"Thank you," Sanada told her, feeling supremely grateful and embarrassed at the same time.
Breakfast was good, and he finished it quickly. Apparently certain activities left him famished.
When they were done, Sanada followed Renji upstairs again. They made themselves comfortable on the futon next to each other. After a few minutes, Renji chuckled quietly.
"That was terribly awkward," he murmured, leaning against Sanada a bit. "I'm sorry."
"No, I don't mind," Sanada replied, remembering the way Renji's mother smiled at him, with acceptance in her gaze.
---
"Niou said he saw you two kissing," Yukimura told then as he settled into the seat across from them. He arched an eyebrow at Sanada, then Renji. "How long has this been going on, and is it serious?"
"Two months," Sanada answered. He turned to meet Renji's eyes. "And yes, it's serious," he said quietly.
The corners of Renji's mouth turned upwards slightly.
Yukimura mocked a scowl. "Not even your best friend. Some trust you have in our friendship."
"We needed to work some things out first," Sanada said.
"Well, have you?"
Renji's smile widened. "Yes, I think we have."
"We have," Sanada agreed. Their fingers linked under the table, and Sanada felt a burst of happiness in his chest.
"So..." Yukimura said, leaning in and lowering his voice, a wicked glint in his eyes. "Who tops?"
Sanada kicked him under the table.
THE END