Giving up
It's so sad how many people have left LJ, but at the same time it's a bit of a relief to have an outlet to type things out without certain people who are on Facebook or Twitter to see.
I'm procrastinating right now. Well, what I'm telling myself is that I'm searching for the right words for this email. See, for the past year, I've been part of a chorus that sings barbershop. It's full of wonderful people and teachers, and I've had some fun. Unfortunately, I've also realized that I really don't like barbershop. I don't like the part I sing--I'm constantly worried that I'm singing the wrong notes, and I often discover that I am. Certain other songs, I've never fully grasped, and anytime we sing them, I try to sing as quietly as possible, so no one can tell. Now, I'm no longer one of the newbies and I've had newbies standing in front of ME to learn our part...and I can't teach them.
Over the last month, I've been having a mental arguement (which is occasionally verbal, thank you again redwings42 for putting up with my shit) about whether or not I should quit. It just keeps going back and forth-- I'm quitting because I'm lazy, I'm quitting because it's a dumb phase, I'm not quitting because I want to believe it's not just a phase, I'm quitting because I'm stressed, I'm not quitting because I'm needed for riser crew... On and on and on.
Last week was the last straw, the one that finally pushed me over to one side. We were working on our performance and the director had the front row mix in with the rest of the chorus, since havinga good performer near you can really help lift the mood. Then, she kept having to remind me to smile. Later, I had a newbie in front of me for one of the songs I've never quite learned, and that's when I realized--staying, with me performing as badly as I am, is pure selfishness. Well ok, maybe not working on riser crew, but staying for the company, for improving MY voice, while not knowing the notes and not being able to get into the mood? Selfish!
Tonight, there is another chorus visiting. I looked at the schedule planned, all the songs I don't know, and realized this is it. So, I didn't go. I told myself I'd wait and write emails to the proper people after practice started so so no one is extra concerned with this performance going on. And here I am--I've written one email, to my section leader. The one I'm working on now is to the director. I've gotten as far as "I", and I needed to get this out. Not to poor redwings42, who's heard all of my mostly coherent ramblings, but just out. In writing, where I feel the most coherent, where I need the most coherence now as I start this email. I hope it works. After this, I have to email the treasurer, which might be even harder, since she's in charge of the riser crew, and we already have too few people breaking down the risers after rehearsal without me leaving.
~kiki
I'm procrastinating right now. Well, what I'm telling myself is that I'm searching for the right words for this email. See, for the past year, I've been part of a chorus that sings barbershop. It's full of wonderful people and teachers, and I've had some fun. Unfortunately, I've also realized that I really don't like barbershop. I don't like the part I sing--I'm constantly worried that I'm singing the wrong notes, and I often discover that I am. Certain other songs, I've never fully grasped, and anytime we sing them, I try to sing as quietly as possible, so no one can tell. Now, I'm no longer one of the newbies and I've had newbies standing in front of ME to learn our part...and I can't teach them.
Over the last month, I've been having a mental arguement (which is occasionally verbal, thank you again redwings42 for putting up with my shit) about whether or not I should quit. It just keeps going back and forth-- I'm quitting because I'm lazy, I'm quitting because it's a dumb phase, I'm not quitting because I want to believe it's not just a phase, I'm quitting because I'm stressed, I'm not quitting because I'm needed for riser crew... On and on and on.
Last week was the last straw, the one that finally pushed me over to one side. We were working on our performance and the director had the front row mix in with the rest of the chorus, since havinga good performer near you can really help lift the mood. Then, she kept having to remind me to smile. Later, I had a newbie in front of me for one of the songs I've never quite learned, and that's when I realized--staying, with me performing as badly as I am, is pure selfishness. Well ok, maybe not working on riser crew, but staying for the company, for improving MY voice, while not knowing the notes and not being able to get into the mood? Selfish!
Tonight, there is another chorus visiting. I looked at the schedule planned, all the songs I don't know, and realized this is it. So, I didn't go. I told myself I'd wait and write emails to the proper people after practice started so so no one is extra concerned with this performance going on. And here I am--I've written one email, to my section leader. The one I'm working on now is to the director. I've gotten as far as "I", and I needed to get this out. Not to poor redwings42, who's heard all of my mostly coherent ramblings, but just out. In writing, where I feel the most coherent, where I need the most coherence now as I start this email. I hope it works. After this, I have to email the treasurer, which might be even harder, since she's in charge of the riser crew, and we already have too few people breaking down the risers after rehearsal without me leaving.
~kiki