chuck fuckin norris
i love this shit:
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Bill Gates lives on constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can make mute people scream.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
In response to his challenge, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer so hard that he went bankrupt. Chuch Norris then bellowed, "I can touch this," while he pelvic thrusted in Hammer's general direction.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Chuck Norris only needs one to tango.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.
Sperm count for a normal human male ranges from 20-150 million. Chuck Norris' sperm count is only one, but it's two feet long, and wants out NOW.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut grass, he dares it to grow.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris once visited Heaven. Needless to say, no one will be getting their 72 virgins.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
When Chuck Norris plays Super Mario Brothers the princess is always in the first castle. When Chuck Norris tells a bitch to be somewhere, she'd better be there.
Chuck Norris is so bad, he takes a baseball bat into the bathroom with him incase he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless."
Chuck Norris shot and killed a man with a laser tag gun.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake.
Chuck Norris is so badass that Oreos seperate in the package for him. Chuck Norris only likes the cream.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.
There are only two kind of peoples on earth:
1- People who are scared of Chuck Norris.
2- People who don't know Chuck Norris.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris caused all the pain and suffering that is the inspiration for emo music. It was his only mistake.
Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.
There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
The most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh! card is the Chuck Norris Card. Once brought into play, all other cards spontaneously burst into flames. Chuck Norris will then jump out of the card and roundhouse kick you and everyone else for playing such a gay game.
Chuck Norris once wrote 1 horoscope for everyone. It predicted pain.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Bill Gates lives on constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can make mute people scream.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
In response to his challenge, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer so hard that he went bankrupt. Chuch Norris then bellowed, "I can touch this," while he pelvic thrusted in Hammer's general direction.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Chuck Norris only needs one to tango.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.
Sperm count for a normal human male ranges from 20-150 million. Chuck Norris' sperm count is only one, but it's two feet long, and wants out NOW.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut grass, he dares it to grow.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris once visited Heaven. Needless to say, no one will be getting their 72 virgins.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
When Chuck Norris plays Super Mario Brothers the princess is always in the first castle. When Chuck Norris tells a bitch to be somewhere, she'd better be there.
Chuck Norris is so bad, he takes a baseball bat into the bathroom with him incase he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless."
Chuck Norris shot and killed a man with a laser tag gun.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake.
Chuck Norris is so badass that Oreos seperate in the package for him. Chuck Norris only likes the cream.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.
There are only two kind of peoples on earth:
1- People who are scared of Chuck Norris.
2- People who don't know Chuck Norris.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris caused all the pain and suffering that is the inspiration for emo music. It was his only mistake.
Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.
There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
The most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh! card is the Chuck Norris Card. Once brought into play, all other cards spontaneously burst into flames. Chuck Norris will then jump out of the card and roundhouse kick you and everyone else for playing such a gay game.
Chuck Norris once wrote 1 horoscope for everyone. It predicted pain.