03.03.2017
It's been a while.
i've been goin' thru it. also been trying to bring myself to the wellness center to try to get counselling bc every single online survey i have taken has been telling me that i have the symptoms of severe depression n that i should reach out for professional help immediately but i don't know if i'm just being dramatic n it's something that will pass w time. i'm hoping that it is n that this stage of my life is will be remembered as a bad dream.
each n everyday that passes, i have the thoughts of 'it would be better if I was just gone' bc these i am a person who has nothing to offer anyone n as suli said "if (someone) don't add to life then they subtract from it and if they don't do nothing at all, it's just as bad" but I know i can't make myself just disappear. everytime I feel like this, I just end up crying bc i am a fucking coward. a fucking lying coward who tells others that it'll be alright when i don't even believe it will happen to even myself. someone who fills other w false hope when even i don't even have hope in myself.
i know I should speak out. speak out about my feelings. about my thoughts. about all this fucking shit racing through my mind. I fucking know. n i know i have positive friends who tell us it's okay to talk about my feelings n problems w them when I need to but i can't bear the idea of dropping this ocean of negativity n thoughts of self-destruction on these angels who pour out constant streams of positivity n laughter in the chat. so i'll continue to deal my cards. even if I am playing a losing game.
tldr; if this was too long and you didn't read it then that just means it didn't matter anyways but I'm just glad to have gotten it out of my head. Maybe one day I'll believe that I'm not worthless.
i've been goin' thru it. also been trying to bring myself to the wellness center to try to get counselling bc every single online survey i have taken has been telling me that i have the symptoms of severe depression n that i should reach out for professional help immediately but i don't know if i'm just being dramatic n it's something that will pass w time. i'm hoping that it is n that this stage of my life is will be remembered as a bad dream.
each n everyday that passes, i have the thoughts of 'it would be better if I was just gone' bc these i am a person who has nothing to offer anyone n as suli said "if (someone) don't add to life then they subtract from it and if they don't do nothing at all, it's just as bad" but I know i can't make myself just disappear. everytime I feel like this, I just end up crying bc i am a fucking coward. a fucking lying coward who tells others that it'll be alright when i don't even believe it will happen to even myself. someone who fills other w false hope when even i don't even have hope in myself.
i know I should speak out. speak out about my feelings. about my thoughts. about all this fucking shit racing through my mind. I fucking know. n i know i have positive friends who tell us it's okay to talk about my feelings n problems w them when I need to but i can't bear the idea of dropping this ocean of negativity n thoughts of self-destruction on these angels who pour out constant streams of positivity n laughter in the chat. so i'll continue to deal my cards. even if I am playing a losing game.
tldr; if this was too long and you didn't read it then that just means it didn't matter anyways but I'm just glad to have gotten it out of my head. Maybe one day I'll believe that I'm not worthless.