(no subject)
alright, im going to be honest and this is a little disturbing. my identity crisis has turned into a psychotic disaster. im afraid that all the decisions i have made for myself in the past whenever have been permanently detrimental to my "emotional wellbeing" or whatever that bullshit is.
darling, i miss you all.
im starting to convince myself that my lingering suspicion that i am positively unlovable is indeed true, but maybe this is because i feel fat and ugly and stupid and like i have ruined my life by merely surrendering to my psyche. no, im positive this is true. im positive that all the stupid bullshit i have put people through for the last year or so is really just manifesting as my future, as my great fate.
im so sorry for having been a piece of shit, anne. im still not absolutely sure what i did that made you lose patience, but im sure that it must have been something. i have been a drag and i have not been myself for a very very long time.
im kind of going crazy. today i was sitting in my drug pusher's office and i started to cry because im afraid that i have ruined everything. i have a deposit down at a school i dont think i want to go to. i work under countless incompetents on the paper because i am a dumbass and didnt get my shit together. i am going through the most horrible physical discomfort and occasional pain. for the past week and a half i have been enduring amphetamine withdrawal which means i have been sleeping and crying a lot and eating a lot. my pants are getting tighter and my face is swelling up and i have bags under my eyes. i cant sleep when im supposed to and i cant write. i have lost my command of language and my sense of vocabulary. i am still fuzzy beyond belief and i havent (really) done illicit substances in weeks. my best friend isnt coming home for the summer and my other best friend is going to beat me out for a position because i cant control my spastic impulses at 2 pm ever. ever. i cant drive and i should be nervous because i am so familiarized to the sensation of collision that nothing hurts anymore and all i fear is causing inconvenience and conflict. boys dont talk to me any more either unless they have girlfriends and think im kind of like a novelty act. im too okay with being a fucking dancing monkey. if i tell you a secret you have to promise not to tell because this isnt a public entry. oh wait it is. but this is the secret: i think theyre going to send me to a hospital because i think im making them nervous. they are my parents. the hospital means a mental institution.
im pushing everyone away when all i want is to be loved. i have this horrible ingenuine complex and i find myself growing more apathetic by day but its really because im slowly killing myself in the metaphorical sense. i cant stop analyzing things because i cant find any hope in faith and faith in chance and chance in my corroding ladder of the procession of life.
such is life. these things happen. oof.
its too much. its too much because i cried at the mall today when i was trying to buy my mom a mothers day present but she isnt going to be here this weekend because sam ross is dead. and she has to go to sam ross's funeral. in los angeles.
death is scary but so is waking up in the morning.
darling, i miss you all.
im starting to convince myself that my lingering suspicion that i am positively unlovable is indeed true, but maybe this is because i feel fat and ugly and stupid and like i have ruined my life by merely surrendering to my psyche. no, im positive this is true. im positive that all the stupid bullshit i have put people through for the last year or so is really just manifesting as my future, as my great fate.
im so sorry for having been a piece of shit, anne. im still not absolutely sure what i did that made you lose patience, but im sure that it must have been something. i have been a drag and i have not been myself for a very very long time.
im kind of going crazy. today i was sitting in my drug pusher's office and i started to cry because im afraid that i have ruined everything. i have a deposit down at a school i dont think i want to go to. i work under countless incompetents on the paper because i am a dumbass and didnt get my shit together. i am going through the most horrible physical discomfort and occasional pain. for the past week and a half i have been enduring amphetamine withdrawal which means i have been sleeping and crying a lot and eating a lot. my pants are getting tighter and my face is swelling up and i have bags under my eyes. i cant sleep when im supposed to and i cant write. i have lost my command of language and my sense of vocabulary. i am still fuzzy beyond belief and i havent (really) done illicit substances in weeks. my best friend isnt coming home for the summer and my other best friend is going to beat me out for a position because i cant control my spastic impulses at 2 pm ever. ever. i cant drive and i should be nervous because i am so familiarized to the sensation of collision that nothing hurts anymore and all i fear is causing inconvenience and conflict. boys dont talk to me any more either unless they have girlfriends and think im kind of like a novelty act. im too okay with being a fucking dancing monkey. if i tell you a secret you have to promise not to tell because this isnt a public entry. oh wait it is. but this is the secret: i think theyre going to send me to a hospital because i think im making them nervous. they are my parents. the hospital means a mental institution.
im pushing everyone away when all i want is to be loved. i have this horrible ingenuine complex and i find myself growing more apathetic by day but its really because im slowly killing myself in the metaphorical sense. i cant stop analyzing things because i cant find any hope in faith and faith in chance and chance in my corroding ladder of the procession of life.
such is life. these things happen. oof.
its too much. its too much because i cried at the mall today when i was trying to buy my mom a mothers day present but she isnt going to be here this weekend because sam ross is dead. and she has to go to sam ross's funeral. in los angeles.
death is scary but so is waking up in the morning.