(no subject)
well. here we go.
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I'm really fucking lonely.
Not like "omg like, I need a woman".
But more like "I'm alone with no one really to relate to."
My roommates are in different situations in their lives.
I have fun with them, and we're pretty much used to eachother now, but I can't talk to them when I really just need a decent conversation.
I've tried. I try and be more open and more willing to talk. But we never have much meaningful conversation.
And I also realize that chris and joel are much more close then I am with either of them.
Examples I don't want to get into, because there is too much background, but if one has something they go to the other first.
I can accept that. they are, afterall, dating sisters. Which is obviously going to influence that.
And I'm also not saying I don't have meaningful conversations at all. It's just so different.
I talk with laurie, or hailey on the internet and phone, respectively, but it's not enough interaction. I don't know if that makes sense.
I try and make friends. I honestly make an effort now. I go out to shows, by myself even. I've been to 3 house parties (all of which were pretty much a bore) but I just can't do it. I am friendly, I force myself to be social. What else do I have to do?!?!?! The only other two friends in ottawa that I have I met before I moved here.
I just wonder if it's something else I'm doing wrong?
I have a couple of friends at work (one of which is actually moving back to halifax. GOOD LUCK JAY!)
And I feel like their may be a chance that they might mature, who knows. But it's really hard to say.
I don't need 13000 friends. I've never been one to wish for that.
I just want someone I can talk to. relate to and actually see on a somewhat regular basis. If they're female that's a bonus.
I know some of this may seems strange. I am not an outgoing person. But I have realized in the last month that I do have to change the way I do some things. And I have forced myself to go out of my comfort zone and meet people. I go with alex when he wants to talk to people before we play and talk to his friends. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not a big city person.
Maybe I'm supposed to walk the road alone for awhile.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I'm scared to think of the summer, and having joel and chris leave, and havce myself alone all the time. I can live in solitude fine, but I do need from time to time someone to talk to. To watch a movie with. To just sit and throw water balloons at people. And the more time passes, the more I just can't see myself having that person.
Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by much relationships. I'm basically the only single person I know. (i say basically because some are single with little tags on them)
And regardless of your attitude, living in this type of situation is tough. I resent them sometimes because they have the options to share a bed with someone, or stay up all night talking. And I don't.
I realize I complain and bitch a lot.
In many ways I have matured. I rely on myself more then I ever have. I can now cook and do laundry. and I try and sleep as much as I can and exercise.
But many nights, a town with 975,000 people, feels like I'm the only one there.
on a side note.
I have started writing a lot of demos.
I love my 8-track.
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I'm really fucking lonely.
Not like "omg like, I need a woman".
But more like "I'm alone with no one really to relate to."
My roommates are in different situations in their lives.
I have fun with them, and we're pretty much used to eachother now, but I can't talk to them when I really just need a decent conversation.
I've tried. I try and be more open and more willing to talk. But we never have much meaningful conversation.
And I also realize that chris and joel are much more close then I am with either of them.
Examples I don't want to get into, because there is too much background, but if one has something they go to the other first.
I can accept that. they are, afterall, dating sisters. Which is obviously going to influence that.
And I'm also not saying I don't have meaningful conversations at all. It's just so different.
I talk with laurie, or hailey on the internet and phone, respectively, but it's not enough interaction. I don't know if that makes sense.
I try and make friends. I honestly make an effort now. I go out to shows, by myself even. I've been to 3 house parties (all of which were pretty much a bore) but I just can't do it. I am friendly, I force myself to be social. What else do I have to do?!?!?! The only other two friends in ottawa that I have I met before I moved here.
I just wonder if it's something else I'm doing wrong?
I have a couple of friends at work (one of which is actually moving back to halifax. GOOD LUCK JAY!)
And I feel like their may be a chance that they might mature, who knows. But it's really hard to say.
I don't need 13000 friends. I've never been one to wish for that.
I just want someone I can talk to. relate to and actually see on a somewhat regular basis. If they're female that's a bonus.
I know some of this may seems strange. I am not an outgoing person. But I have realized in the last month that I do have to change the way I do some things. And I have forced myself to go out of my comfort zone and meet people. I go with alex when he wants to talk to people before we play and talk to his friends. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not a big city person.
Maybe I'm supposed to walk the road alone for awhile.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I'm scared to think of the summer, and having joel and chris leave, and havce myself alone all the time. I can live in solitude fine, but I do need from time to time someone to talk to. To watch a movie with. To just sit and throw water balloons at people. And the more time passes, the more I just can't see myself having that person.
Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by much relationships. I'm basically the only single person I know. (i say basically because some are single with little tags on them)
And regardless of your attitude, living in this type of situation is tough. I resent them sometimes because they have the options to share a bed with someone, or stay up all night talking. And I don't.
I realize I complain and bitch a lot.
In many ways I have matured. I rely on myself more then I ever have. I can now cook and do laundry. and I try and sleep as much as I can and exercise.
But many nights, a town with 975,000 people, feels like I'm the only one there.
on a side note.
I have started writing a lot of demos.
I love my 8-track.