theres nothing left of me to use
fuck everything relationship related. every little last thing. im so over it, i have absolutely nothing left to give or an ounce of energy or desire in me to even look someone in the eye right now. the past year has been nothing but a bunch of pain that i didn't deserve to experience. i don't know how to word this properly. but i'm so hurt, angry, and im on the brink of seeking full blown vicious woman revenge.
i know i havent been the greatest person and ive stooped to some pretty low levels but fucking a, my love life has been nothing but a serious of twists and turns into nothing but pain. im not even interested in a real relationship so im even more confused on how the fuck all this is happening to me.
first thing when i moved back i got blown off by someone who actually played a hefty part in my final decision to move.. and then had the nerve to have foul play with my best friend in my OWN HOUSE while i was sleeping. then i was led on slyly some more.. and then i met the biggest fucker of all times who made me happy but miserable for months on end.. i didnt think it bothered me at the time but yeah, its fucking shitty when someone you really care about looks you in the eyes and says "too bad you'll never be my girlfriend." oh so you coming to visit me every other weekend and talking to me on the phone every night and basically being my boyfriend in all aspects except for the fact we never actually claimed we were official.. and im not even fucking close to being your girlfriend? you piece of SHIT. i gave you so much and let you in on so much and did so much and put aside so much.. just for what? to be fucking led on for months? to be fucked around with for months? to be dropped dead in the dust for someone youll never get? i try not to care but fuck it, i do. it hurts to know i was put through a bunch of bullshit and the end result was just a complete random cut off. well FUCK that.
and if the chris situation wasnt a bad enough blow on my self-esteem, pretty much everything since then has been worse. first i am led to believe that someone who i truly cared for was actually interested in me and things would actually work out.. WRONG!!!!! way wrong. then i made the dumbass decision to get involved with the worst person ever but his sweet words and manipulitive actions got me in a bind and i actually thought he cared for me in the slightest. i opened up in ways i havent in a very long time.. for what? to get fucking pushed and then kicked to the curb. although the circumstances of that situation were fucked up to begin with i think i didnt deserve an ounce of the shit i was put through during those silly two weeks.
and then someone had the nerve to tell me they didnt have a girlfriend, hang out with me all night and buy me drinks and be awesome with me and shit, i actually believed it! way to fucking NOT talk to me again, oh yeah and its awesome to know you have a girlfriend. COOL i hope it feels good that you fucking cheated on her with me. ha! and i hope YOU feel good to know you cheated on your girlfriend with me, too. you nasty ass. (lately i love to have relations with guys in relationships.. awesome. because thats never the intention.) and then YOU!! leading me on to think you actually gave a shit in a half about me but all you wanted was to get something out of me. and i resisted you, too. and when i finally give in, you just straight up not even talk to me. fucked up!! and last but not least, YOU!! who i really thought was cool and i dug you and even did drugs with you and now, and now i havent heard from you and i doubt i will because nowadays im just that girl whos friendly and easy to get into bed with i guess. but hey dont worry its not like im an actual person or anything. you know, i dont have FEELINGS or anything so its ok to assume im just down to fuck and that im not actually interested in you, right? RIGHT? is that what i am these days? how fucking terrible. i want NOTHING to do with men, guys, dudes, boys what the fuck ever nothing of the opposite sex. i dont want to be touched again because every time im touched now its just a reminder of all the times i gave in to my feelings and the only outcome was another notch on my belt and a bunch of pain and fucking emptiness.
im just going to end this now before i get even more worked up then i already am. im really fed up with how fucked up my .. "love" life is and has been going and even when i think im making the right choices they are all coming out wrong. choice after choice, night after night, its becoming so painful and confidence shattering that i am feeling completely numb and horrible. i dont even feel like a girl anymore. i feel like a blob of uselessness and all of this has been causing me great deals of depression and anger and it seems like every little noise or tiny thing that goes wrong i am on the edge of blowing up. im a volcano and im about to erupt all the fuck over the place and i dunno how nasty its going to get but something has got to change because the way ive been feeling is unbearable. and all i want to do is turn to drugs, and i dont know if i have the control to stay away from them. so far i havent and i can just feel it getting worse. i dont want to make any more mistakes but i am completely lost, and i dont know who or what to turn to do, or how to begin to even fix these problems i have layed upon my weak shoulders.
i know i havent been the greatest person and ive stooped to some pretty low levels but fucking a, my love life has been nothing but a serious of twists and turns into nothing but pain. im not even interested in a real relationship so im even more confused on how the fuck all this is happening to me.
first thing when i moved back i got blown off by someone who actually played a hefty part in my final decision to move.. and then had the nerve to have foul play with my best friend in my OWN HOUSE while i was sleeping. then i was led on slyly some more.. and then i met the biggest fucker of all times who made me happy but miserable for months on end.. i didnt think it bothered me at the time but yeah, its fucking shitty when someone you really care about looks you in the eyes and says "too bad you'll never be my girlfriend." oh so you coming to visit me every other weekend and talking to me on the phone every night and basically being my boyfriend in all aspects except for the fact we never actually claimed we were official.. and im not even fucking close to being your girlfriend? you piece of SHIT. i gave you so much and let you in on so much and did so much and put aside so much.. just for what? to be fucking led on for months? to be fucked around with for months? to be dropped dead in the dust for someone youll never get? i try not to care but fuck it, i do. it hurts to know i was put through a bunch of bullshit and the end result was just a complete random cut off. well FUCK that.
and if the chris situation wasnt a bad enough blow on my self-esteem, pretty much everything since then has been worse. first i am led to believe that someone who i truly cared for was actually interested in me and things would actually work out.. WRONG!!!!! way wrong. then i made the dumbass decision to get involved with the worst person ever but his sweet words and manipulitive actions got me in a bind and i actually thought he cared for me in the slightest. i opened up in ways i havent in a very long time.. for what? to get fucking pushed and then kicked to the curb. although the circumstances of that situation were fucked up to begin with i think i didnt deserve an ounce of the shit i was put through during those silly two weeks.
and then someone had the nerve to tell me they didnt have a girlfriend, hang out with me all night and buy me drinks and be awesome with me and shit, i actually believed it! way to fucking NOT talk to me again, oh yeah and its awesome to know you have a girlfriend. COOL i hope it feels good that you fucking cheated on her with me. ha! and i hope YOU feel good to know you cheated on your girlfriend with me, too. you nasty ass. (lately i love to have relations with guys in relationships.. awesome. because thats never the intention.) and then YOU!! leading me on to think you actually gave a shit in a half about me but all you wanted was to get something out of me. and i resisted you, too. and when i finally give in, you just straight up not even talk to me. fucked up!! and last but not least, YOU!! who i really thought was cool and i dug you and even did drugs with you and now, and now i havent heard from you and i doubt i will because nowadays im just that girl whos friendly and easy to get into bed with i guess. but hey dont worry its not like im an actual person or anything. you know, i dont have FEELINGS or anything so its ok to assume im just down to fuck and that im not actually interested in you, right? RIGHT? is that what i am these days? how fucking terrible. i want NOTHING to do with men, guys, dudes, boys what the fuck ever nothing of the opposite sex. i dont want to be touched again because every time im touched now its just a reminder of all the times i gave in to my feelings and the only outcome was another notch on my belt and a bunch of pain and fucking emptiness.
im just going to end this now before i get even more worked up then i already am. im really fed up with how fucked up my .. "love" life is and has been going and even when i think im making the right choices they are all coming out wrong. choice after choice, night after night, its becoming so painful and confidence shattering that i am feeling completely numb and horrible. i dont even feel like a girl anymore. i feel like a blob of uselessness and all of this has been causing me great deals of depression and anger and it seems like every little noise or tiny thing that goes wrong i am on the edge of blowing up. im a volcano and im about to erupt all the fuck over the place and i dunno how nasty its going to get but something has got to change because the way ive been feeling is unbearable. and all i want to do is turn to drugs, and i dont know if i have the control to stay away from them. so far i havent and i can just feel it getting worse. i dont want to make any more mistakes but i am completely lost, and i dont know who or what to turn to do, or how to begin to even fix these problems i have layed upon my weak shoulders.