still alive...
Haven't posted in forever, life just keeps getting crazier and sometimes I'm not real sure how much more I can take... This has been such a devastating year in so many ways. I lost my grandmother, who was so very important to me. A month later my husband left me and decided to move out of state. A little over a month after that he decided not to move and wanted to kick me out of my/our house. A month after that I decided I was over him (not a real hard decision considering how badly he treated me) and very unexpectedly met someone else. A week later the husband decides he wants to come back, that he's completely changed and loves me more than anything. Luckily I have enough sense to know that he is just messed up, that he seriously needs professional help which I have been trying to get for him, but some of his family (who I live near and work for) can't see that and are judging me rather harshly for both not taking him back and continuing to see the new boy. THEN, my truck broke down and my gas well went out, leaving me homeless and vehicleless for nearly a month. I was able to borrow vehicles off and on and new boy (NB) was kind enough to take me and my dog in for awhile, but that just caused more drama with the inlaws and I desperately missed my kitties (NB is highly allergic--there always has to be a drawback, doesn't there?)
BUT...
My shrink told me a few weeks ago that I’ve spent two years in therapy figuring out what I want, and I’ve found it. For now, for how long, I’m afraid to be too hopeful. But for now, I’ve got what I always wanted. The whole time that I was married I almost cried (and sometimes did) anytime I would see anyone kiss on tv. Especially the really good ones-Michael/Sarah and Tim/Lyla and Sam/Madison are the ones that stand out. It was Sam/Ruby that really got me thinking about this, the way he wrapped her legs around him and his hands on her face.... I would get this ache inside that would last for days, this want and longing and despair because I was so afraid I would never get to experience that feeling again. Not just the physical, I knew that it was more than that. I love kissing, but it can’t be just a make out session-there has to be that feeling behind it. The way you look at each other, the security of knowing that the other person wants to be right there in that moment as much as you do. I have that right now, with this new boy. The way he looks at me, how happy he is when I smile, how he wants to be with me all the time. This is what I wanted. I want to bask in it, to tell someone about it, to just sit here and appreciate it, no matter how lame that is. The rest of my life could be (and pretty much is) falling apart right now and nothing else matters as long as I have this.
This boy is amazing--he is tall and cute and sweet and considerate and fun. He is crazy about me and I know it. This is a whole new experience for me. I turned 34 yesterday and have never had this kind of relationship, which makes me sad because I consider myself to be a pretty smart, fairly strong, attractive girl who should have known better. I have wasted my life so far on men who just didn't really care, I guess. Of course this boy has faults, and it's too soon and my life is way to messed up to think about forever yet, but for now, for once, I have what I want and I just wanted to put it into words.
BUT...
My shrink told me a few weeks ago that I’ve spent two years in therapy figuring out what I want, and I’ve found it. For now, for how long, I’m afraid to be too hopeful. But for now, I’ve got what I always wanted. The whole time that I was married I almost cried (and sometimes did) anytime I would see anyone kiss on tv. Especially the really good ones-Michael/Sarah and Tim/Lyla and Sam/Madison are the ones that stand out. It was Sam/Ruby that really got me thinking about this, the way he wrapped her legs around him and his hands on her face.... I would get this ache inside that would last for days, this want and longing and despair because I was so afraid I would never get to experience that feeling again. Not just the physical, I knew that it was more than that. I love kissing, but it can’t be just a make out session-there has to be that feeling behind it. The way you look at each other, the security of knowing that the other person wants to be right there in that moment as much as you do. I have that right now, with this new boy. The way he looks at me, how happy he is when I smile, how he wants to be with me all the time. This is what I wanted. I want to bask in it, to tell someone about it, to just sit here and appreciate it, no matter how lame that is. The rest of my life could be (and pretty much is) falling apart right now and nothing else matters as long as I have this.
This boy is amazing--he is tall and cute and sweet and considerate and fun. He is crazy about me and I know it. This is a whole new experience for me. I turned 34 yesterday and have never had this kind of relationship, which makes me sad because I consider myself to be a pretty smart, fairly strong, attractive girl who should have known better. I have wasted my life so far on men who just didn't really care, I guess. Of course this boy has faults, and it's too soon and my life is way to messed up to think about forever yet, but for now, for once, I have what I want and I just wanted to put it into words.