it's taken me this long...
Before I asked my new roommate to use male pronouns. i think the biggest issue has been the feeling of alienated, but then i realized that despite my attempts to fit in socially and try to integrate my gender identity into my social environment, particularly the very gendered situations, like rugby. I feel like my gender is challenged perpetually, and it's hard to find a juncture in which I can request appropriate pronouns or address that certain words or presumptions about me make me really uncomfortable.
I had an uncomfortable moment at work today where my coworker was talking about "when I want to get pregnant." Granted, I'm not out to my coworkers as a method of protecting myself in a very female oriented environment (women's health). Now, my response to my coworker was, "And do you think I would want to get pregnant?" Her response, "well, I know that some gay couples have kids, and I know that they just need to decide who or adopt." My other coworker, who has an opinion on everything, chimes in and says, "Well, the butch one usually doesn't have the baby, the woman one does." I was internally so uncomfortable and so furious at the same time. Though I know that this was just an honest perspective of someone who wasn't trying to offend or hurt me, I was still so bothered. Also, no one really listens to me in my office try to explain something or stand up for myself, so it was even harder to recognize that I couldn't rectify the situation. I just felt very trapped in this very singular representation of a part of myself, that there was very little I could do to impact the situation, make me feel safer or further validate my identity. It seemed liked a teaching moment, but I felt like there was little I could do, because I oddly felt victimized and judged. Regardless of my personal intentions to raise a family, pursue a longterm relationship, both of which are not public to my office, I am just so upset that my coworkers put these assumptions on me, don't bother to get to know me better, hear about me. If this is my coworkers, granted, a very small, select population, I question - how do people see me on a daily basis? Though I am typically not concerned with what the average person thinks about me on the street, this all got me thinking, how am I presenting? And this all factors into how I am freaking about about job and grad school interviews - what to wear, what name to use, how to explain myself in a way where people think I'm 1) not crazy and 2) have my life together enough for admission/to take on a job. I got sir'ed today twice, which is quite refreshing, but I can assure you that it didn't do much to counteract how I was feeling from before.
At this juncture in time, I really feel on cusp of some big changes. Granted a great deal has changed in just the past month, I've moved out of my shithole apartment, I've taken some big steps towards my health (i.e. taking care of myself post accident, trying to get my diet in order, going running as many times a week that I can manage, taking my blood sugar meds and vitamins every day - which means menial to some, but is really difficult for me), trying to make sure that I maintain friendships, taken my first steps towards my grad school applications (as in, about to register for tests, planning out a study schedule, researching schools), and even started looking for jobs again. This new apartment is definitely the change I needed to push these things into a feasible reality, but it is only a catalyst. i find myself overly committed, over scheduled and very much struggling to find time. But I recognize, I am more productive when I am in this stressed situation - it's a structure that though I dislike in many ways, has really been the womb of productivity for me. I think I need to keep it to get everything done. But, I need to find time to really evaluate what I want to do, and make a serious game plan.
I had an uncomfortable moment at work today where my coworker was talking about "when I want to get pregnant." Granted, I'm not out to my coworkers as a method of protecting myself in a very female oriented environment (women's health). Now, my response to my coworker was, "And do you think I would want to get pregnant?" Her response, "well, I know that some gay couples have kids, and I know that they just need to decide who or adopt." My other coworker, who has an opinion on everything, chimes in and says, "Well, the butch one usually doesn't have the baby, the woman one does." I was internally so uncomfortable and so furious at the same time. Though I know that this was just an honest perspective of someone who wasn't trying to offend or hurt me, I was still so bothered. Also, no one really listens to me in my office try to explain something or stand up for myself, so it was even harder to recognize that I couldn't rectify the situation. I just felt very trapped in this very singular representation of a part of myself, that there was very little I could do to impact the situation, make me feel safer or further validate my identity. It seemed liked a teaching moment, but I felt like there was little I could do, because I oddly felt victimized and judged. Regardless of my personal intentions to raise a family, pursue a longterm relationship, both of which are not public to my office, I am just so upset that my coworkers put these assumptions on me, don't bother to get to know me better, hear about me. If this is my coworkers, granted, a very small, select population, I question - how do people see me on a daily basis? Though I am typically not concerned with what the average person thinks about me on the street, this all got me thinking, how am I presenting? And this all factors into how I am freaking about about job and grad school interviews - what to wear, what name to use, how to explain myself in a way where people think I'm 1) not crazy and 2) have my life together enough for admission/to take on a job. I got sir'ed today twice, which is quite refreshing, but I can assure you that it didn't do much to counteract how I was feeling from before.
At this juncture in time, I really feel on cusp of some big changes. Granted a great deal has changed in just the past month, I've moved out of my shithole apartment, I've taken some big steps towards my health (i.e. taking care of myself post accident, trying to get my diet in order, going running as many times a week that I can manage, taking my blood sugar meds and vitamins every day - which means menial to some, but is really difficult for me), trying to make sure that I maintain friendships, taken my first steps towards my grad school applications (as in, about to register for tests, planning out a study schedule, researching schools), and even started looking for jobs again. This new apartment is definitely the change I needed to push these things into a feasible reality, but it is only a catalyst. i find myself overly committed, over scheduled and very much struggling to find time. But I recognize, I am more productive when I am in this stressed situation - it's a structure that though I dislike in many ways, has really been the womb of productivity for me. I think I need to keep it to get everything done. But, I need to find time to really evaluate what I want to do, and make a serious game plan.