weekend, birthday, general update
it's been forever. i'm not really sure why i haven't been updating lately, or seemingly at all. it's so weird, i used to post every day, once a week, but my posts have been so infrequent. i feel bad about that, as i seem to have no or little documentation of what happened, or necessarily really processed what has happened over the past couple of months. that really is a shame.
this past week was my 22nd birthday. yes, i am not officially feeling really old, not to be ageist, but it's just the way i've been feeling - it works directly in correlation about feeling old in college. i wonder if i have outgrown it, even though i still enjoy the parties and people, but it just is starting to feel old. i miss queer bar life, large urban cities, and having a flowing community where you could meet people. it was pretty nice and refreshing bit of nostalgia for high school. even though i have my qualms with columbus, ohio, the lgbt youth community support was oddly supportive and free once i was 18. it was refreshing in a way. i miss knowing people and having those connections. though the pioneer valley is quite liberal and understanding, it is not my style. i always think that new york city would be my ideal place. it seems like a good fit for me, but is it what i want from a former, smaller queer scene? who knows.
on those notes of finding community, i've been having a quandry about what community i am looking for - with a complex identity, i often feel misperceived and misplaced by others. is there a place for someone like me? i sometimes wonder if i should flee to san francisco, trying out the west coast and seeing if it suits my pallet. i've also considered going back abroad, but i am curious if what my mother refers to as my wonderlust is over. i am curious if i would do well there. i am think that i need a solid network where ever i go - i can create it for myself, but what i recognize is that it would require a series of fairly mature, open minded americans. being in russia and denmark really brought these feelings out, and i'm still trying to figure out where i should go, where i ought to be. that will certainly take time.
this past weekend, we had our winter weekend party with the decided theme, "masquerade" which seemed to be a great idea, but when the masks lost their valor. i will post photos when some turn up amongst friends - i was in all black with a nice little tie and suspenders. i really enjoy dressing up, but only if i have the right clothes - it really reminds me that i need to go out and buy clothes, manly more shoes, belts, dress pants and dress shirts. i feel so unstylish sometimes - equally, i worry about professionally i will present as well, and how i will be accepted. i don't want to be stuck in some big queer job to feel safe. i just need to find a space for myself.
the party was really a success, and i was so proud of my house council, my social chairs and everyone that attended and brought friends. it was really wonderful to see the house that full, and to know that we could immediately see the fruits of our labors. what glory.
this past week was my 22nd birthday. yes, i am not officially feeling really old, not to be ageist, but it's just the way i've been feeling - it works directly in correlation about feeling old in college. i wonder if i have outgrown it, even though i still enjoy the parties and people, but it just is starting to feel old. i miss queer bar life, large urban cities, and having a flowing community where you could meet people. it was pretty nice and refreshing bit of nostalgia for high school. even though i have my qualms with columbus, ohio, the lgbt youth community support was oddly supportive and free once i was 18. it was refreshing in a way. i miss knowing people and having those connections. though the pioneer valley is quite liberal and understanding, it is not my style. i always think that new york city would be my ideal place. it seems like a good fit for me, but is it what i want from a former, smaller queer scene? who knows.
on those notes of finding community, i've been having a quandry about what community i am looking for - with a complex identity, i often feel misperceived and misplaced by others. is there a place for someone like me? i sometimes wonder if i should flee to san francisco, trying out the west coast and seeing if it suits my pallet. i've also considered going back abroad, but i am curious if what my mother refers to as my wonderlust is over. i am curious if i would do well there. i am think that i need a solid network where ever i go - i can create it for myself, but what i recognize is that it would require a series of fairly mature, open minded americans. being in russia and denmark really brought these feelings out, and i'm still trying to figure out where i should go, where i ought to be. that will certainly take time.
this past weekend, we had our winter weekend party with the decided theme, "masquerade" which seemed to be a great idea, but when the masks lost their valor. i will post photos when some turn up amongst friends - i was in all black with a nice little tie and suspenders. i really enjoy dressing up, but only if i have the right clothes - it really reminds me that i need to go out and buy clothes, manly more shoes, belts, dress pants and dress shirts. i feel so unstylish sometimes - equally, i worry about professionally i will present as well, and how i will be accepted. i don't want to be stuck in some big queer job to feel safe. i just need to find a space for myself.
the party was really a success, and i was so proud of my house council, my social chairs and everyone that attended and brought friends. it was really wonderful to see the house that full, and to know that we could immediately see the fruits of our labors. what glory.