a dirty topic
Warning: reading this post may result in the reader becoming mortified or disgusted. Or, it may result in hysterical laughter culminating in the rupture of an internal organ or loss of job. With this disclaimer, I absolve myself of all responsibility. And it's a true story.
I broke my toilet seat this morning.
*flashback scene* Several weeks ago, with Aaron's help, I installed a wall-mounted shelf in my bathroom. The vibrations resulting from the hammering into the wall dislodged two of the tiles in my bathroom. I replaced those tiles with preposterous amounts of Krazy Glue, and called the problem solved. *end flashback scene*
For most people, solid waste processing is a necessary part of life which is done every couple of days. For me, it's a recreational activity where I get some excellent thinking and some quality reading time in. The toilet in my apartment is almost flush with the wall, and it doesn't really allow for a very comfortable sit. It took some getting used to, but these days I've evolved the art of pooping while sitting diagonally. It's not as bad as it sounds, though it is kinda freaky at first. Having done this for awhile now, I think nothing of it. So, imagine my surprise as, while doing my business this morning after coming home from work, I hear a sharp CRACK emanating from beneath me, followed closely by *clank*CLANK* from in front of me.
The following idea is so profound, it deserves its own paragraph: hearing a CRACK sound from beneath you while eliminating solid waste is about the LEAST PLEASANT SOUND IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. The clank CLANK from in front of me a mere second later sent me into a panic, where my first thought, that resounded screaming through every neuron in my brain, was "NO! MY COLON!"
Once I was able to get my heart rate below 200 and ascertain that my intestines were unharmed, I quickly saw what had happened. Apparently, the torsional stress of diagonalizing my bowel movements over the long-term was too much for my toilet seat to bear, and it cracked through and through. The clank CLANK was the incidental dislodgement of the two tiles I had ramshackled back into place. It can only be my curse that caused them to dislodge at that moment, because there was really no precipitating factor that should have caused them to become unglued. It was just circumstance that caused them to fall at the exact moment I cracked my toilet seat. The goal, clearly, was the universe doing its best to make me think that MY COLON WAS BROKEN.
So, now I need a new toilet seat. I... I never even contemplated this could happen. Where do you get a toilet seat? Is it something that has to be measured? Installed? What's the deal?
This is going to *seriously* mess with my feng shui. Thank the gods it wasn't my colon. Thank all the gods there ever were.
I broke my toilet seat this morning.
*flashback scene* Several weeks ago, with Aaron's help, I installed a wall-mounted shelf in my bathroom. The vibrations resulting from the hammering into the wall dislodged two of the tiles in my bathroom. I replaced those tiles with preposterous amounts of Krazy Glue, and called the problem solved. *end flashback scene*
For most people, solid waste processing is a necessary part of life which is done every couple of days. For me, it's a recreational activity where I get some excellent thinking and some quality reading time in. The toilet in my apartment is almost flush with the wall, and it doesn't really allow for a very comfortable sit. It took some getting used to, but these days I've evolved the art of pooping while sitting diagonally. It's not as bad as it sounds, though it is kinda freaky at first. Having done this for awhile now, I think nothing of it. So, imagine my surprise as, while doing my business this morning after coming home from work, I hear a sharp CRACK emanating from beneath me, followed closely by *clank*CLANK* from in front of me.
The following idea is so profound, it deserves its own paragraph: hearing a CRACK sound from beneath you while eliminating solid waste is about the LEAST PLEASANT SOUND IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. The clank CLANK from in front of me a mere second later sent me into a panic, where my first thought, that resounded screaming through every neuron in my brain, was "NO! MY COLON!"
Once I was able to get my heart rate below 200 and ascertain that my intestines were unharmed, I quickly saw what had happened. Apparently, the torsional stress of diagonalizing my bowel movements over the long-term was too much for my toilet seat to bear, and it cracked through and through. The clank CLANK was the incidental dislodgement of the two tiles I had ramshackled back into place. It can only be my curse that caused them to dislodge at that moment, because there was really no precipitating factor that should have caused them to become unglued. It was just circumstance that caused them to fall at the exact moment I cracked my toilet seat. The goal, clearly, was the universe doing its best to make me think that MY COLON WAS BROKEN.
So, now I need a new toilet seat. I... I never even contemplated this could happen. Where do you get a toilet seat? Is it something that has to be measured? Installed? What's the deal?
This is going to *seriously* mess with my feng shui. Thank the gods it wasn't my colon. Thank all the gods there ever were.