Close to tears
Paris, France, yesterday. You know what I'm talking about. I read about it in the news. Worse enough. Then I made the mistake to watch (warning... not for the faint heart...) Video on LiveLeak, showing how the police offer gets shoot. I see violence on a daily basis. Mostly in the news. But somehow, seeing this creeped me the hell out and tore on my sould. I mean it. I felt cold on the inside and couldn't get my mind to think about something else yesterday evening.
I've seen quite some cruel scenes in the media (and especially the 'net) in my life so far. Some things I wish I had never seen. Bis this... is different. What makes it so cruel is... how simple it looks like. There are no emotions to understand. No fighting that escalates, no words. There just this guy shooting at the officer, then walking past him and shooting him in the head, casually. Like passing a garbage bin, disposing something. Lion Christ. Shit.
I have a graphical mind that starts to process such stuff on its own without me being able to stop it. I wonder... how it must feel to be his wife (if he had one) to see this. Not in the media. Not commented, not blurred out but just as it is. Raw, uncensored, honest. I wonder how it must be to sit at work when suddenly someone IMs you or you get the link on some social media. You know your husband works for the police and you already have a bad idea what this will be about. And then you see it. Without any warning. No idea how I would respond. I can imagine thousand ways.
I wonder how it must be to know that there's a Video of it... how long it would take to struggle with onself until the urge to know it wins. To close that chapter. Only to tear the soul apart. My eyes begin to water while I write this.
What to do? There's raging hate and pain I can imagine. The urge to get that guy and kill him. Hoping it would help to deal with the pain. But it won't. The beloved one is dead. It won't bring him (or her) back. And it crosses a line one one should cross.
Sometimes I wonder what to do in such a case. Maybe forcing the person into a therapy that allows the guy to finally realise, understand and reflect what he has done. Not in a way that makes him understand that he did something wrong but that allwos him to feel what he did. Destroying a life. Not only one. That he did something that can't be reversed. And then let him live with that. On a daily basis until it tears him apart. Until he ends up on the street, not being able to deal with what he has done. And eventually, when he's about to go nuts, having sleepless nights, one should hand him a knife , saying "you know what ths is for" and let him alone with that.
But no. That's not right. Even if it may feel right... as long as the pain clouds the mind. It's not right to introduce such pain to others. It's just not right. But there's nothing left that feels right. Forcing onself to be fair to someone that took away your most beloved one. Maybe the only right way is to put the guy in therapy so he can eventually make up for it in some way. Turning and doing something good in the service for mankind. The only way to get rid of the pain is to close the chapter, I guess. To deal with it. How unfair. But I guess it's the only option that prevents the soul from being torn by hatred and pain - especially when seeing the person that's responsible. I wonder how hard it must be to close that chapter. To fight and still see the good side in mankind.
To everyone who lost a beloved one yesterday... or some hours ago.. and in the days to come: I'm sorry for your loss...
I've seen quite some cruel scenes in the media (and especially the 'net) in my life so far. Some things I wish I had never seen. Bis this... is different. What makes it so cruel is... how simple it looks like. There are no emotions to understand. No fighting that escalates, no words. There just this guy shooting at the officer, then walking past him and shooting him in the head, casually. Like passing a garbage bin, disposing something. Lion Christ. Shit.
I have a graphical mind that starts to process such stuff on its own without me being able to stop it. I wonder... how it must feel to be his wife (if he had one) to see this. Not in the media. Not commented, not blurred out but just as it is. Raw, uncensored, honest. I wonder how it must be to sit at work when suddenly someone IMs you or you get the link on some social media. You know your husband works for the police and you already have a bad idea what this will be about. And then you see it. Without any warning. No idea how I would respond. I can imagine thousand ways.
I wonder how it must be to know that there's a Video of it... how long it would take to struggle with onself until the urge to know it wins. To close that chapter. Only to tear the soul apart. My eyes begin to water while I write this.
What to do? There's raging hate and pain I can imagine. The urge to get that guy and kill him. Hoping it would help to deal with the pain. But it won't. The beloved one is dead. It won't bring him (or her) back. And it crosses a line one one should cross.
Sometimes I wonder what to do in such a case. Maybe forcing the person into a therapy that allows the guy to finally realise, understand and reflect what he has done. Not in a way that makes him understand that he did something wrong but that allwos him to feel what he did. Destroying a life. Not only one. That he did something that can't be reversed. And then let him live with that. On a daily basis until it tears him apart. Until he ends up on the street, not being able to deal with what he has done. And eventually, when he's about to go nuts, having sleepless nights, one should hand him a knife , saying "you know what ths is for" and let him alone with that.
But no. That's not right. Even if it may feel right... as long as the pain clouds the mind. It's not right to introduce such pain to others. It's just not right. But there's nothing left that feels right. Forcing onself to be fair to someone that took away your most beloved one. Maybe the only right way is to put the guy in therapy so he can eventually make up for it in some way. Turning and doing something good in the service for mankind. The only way to get rid of the pain is to close the chapter, I guess. To deal with it. How unfair. But I guess it's the only option that prevents the soul from being torn by hatred and pain - especially when seeing the person that's responsible. I wonder how hard it must be to close that chapter. To fight and still see the good side in mankind.
To everyone who lost a beloved one yesterday... or some hours ago.. and in the days to come: I'm sorry for your loss...