The fears about communication
There's something I'm proud about. That I have learned to not avoid conflicts but to face them. Today I'm even able to do it calm, observing and thoughtful. Okay. Most times. ( :) ) Years ago such attempts made me lose my temper every now and then. I got mad at people.
It's normal to be afraid of addressing problems when being unsure how the other side may respond. But in many cases such fears rise from a lack of selfconfidence in the own words chosen. Truth being told, I still feel nervous when writing mails every now and then. I want to transport my thoughts and emotions properly and fear that I might express them in a way that makes it prone being misunderstood.
The more I learn to not panic while writing the more relaxed I become. And I wrote a lot lately. Uncounted pages in Mails and messengers. Basically I'll try to catch up with my past. The things I've done wrong because I was too distracted or didn't know better. What that is about in detail is worth different entries and just too mich to summarise here. The short version is: I learned that I missed learning a lot of social rules in the past. I drowned myself in work and other distraction, well knowing that I'm just avoiding uncomfortable topics. It's completely human to procatinate stuff until it bites one in the ass. After quitting doing a lot of stuff during the last year I feel like I'm calm enough to face such thought and worries. Most important: that I have enough free time and that I'm relaxed enough to face the emotional stress that goes along with it.
I was thinking a lot about people and situation I meet and faced between 2001 and 2003. Just some days ago someone from that time contaced me, asking whether I want to see him while he's visting Berlin. It's not that I hate the person in context. I spend some day pondering. Thinking whether I should just jump over my feeling and say "sigh, okay". But No. I don't want to do that and I told the person so. As odd as it sounds. I feel free by just writing a long mail. Saying that I feel uncomfortable seeing him and explaining why. Just getting that off my chest without being unfair. It's the past. Done. And most important: I don't fear the answer I may get. Because I was honest, offering an insight into my emotions.
And most important: I learned to differ between what I think about a person and the thoughts I want to share. Even when not being okay with someones behaviour it's okay (and even encouraged) to be honest about onself.
It's normal to be afraid of addressing problems when being unsure how the other side may respond. But in many cases such fears rise from a lack of selfconfidence in the own words chosen. Truth being told, I still feel nervous when writing mails every now and then. I want to transport my thoughts and emotions properly and fear that I might express them in a way that makes it prone being misunderstood.
The more I learn to not panic while writing the more relaxed I become. And I wrote a lot lately. Uncounted pages in Mails and messengers. Basically I'll try to catch up with my past. The things I've done wrong because I was too distracted or didn't know better. What that is about in detail is worth different entries and just too mich to summarise here. The short version is: I learned that I missed learning a lot of social rules in the past. I drowned myself in work and other distraction, well knowing that I'm just avoiding uncomfortable topics. It's completely human to procatinate stuff until it bites one in the ass. After quitting doing a lot of stuff during the last year I feel like I'm calm enough to face such thought and worries. Most important: that I have enough free time and that I'm relaxed enough to face the emotional stress that goes along with it.
I was thinking a lot about people and situation I meet and faced between 2001 and 2003. Just some days ago someone from that time contaced me, asking whether I want to see him while he's visting Berlin. It's not that I hate the person in context. I spend some day pondering. Thinking whether I should just jump over my feeling and say "sigh, okay". But No. I don't want to do that and I told the person so. As odd as it sounds. I feel free by just writing a long mail. Saying that I feel uncomfortable seeing him and explaining why. Just getting that off my chest without being unfair. It's the past. Done. And most important: I don't fear the answer I may get. Because I was honest, offering an insight into my emotions.
And most important: I learned to differ between what I think about a person and the thoughts I want to share. Even when not being okay with someones behaviour it's okay (and even encouraged) to be honest about onself.