Sad, sad Sundays
Yeah. That.
Staring at this blank text box for a few minutes trying to decide whether it's worth the trouble to pour my heart out to a deaf internet when what I'm really wanting besides enough money to have a chance in hell at anything other than my current flagging excuse for a life is a real connection with someone. Or rather, staring way, way past this blank text box because I'm so far inside myself right now I can hardly see what's in front of me. Liable to turn inside out and come out the other side of my insides, through the fabric of the universe.
Haven't received a single text on my phone in days. Whether this is due to anything being wrong with my phone (I've received several calls no problem, but 90% of my communications are typed and the void left behind by all that has made me... I don't know. I can't say that I miss it nor that I'm relieved, but I'm suddenly... aware ..in a larger-than-life kind of way how most to all of my interpersonal interactions are actually with a machine. Digitized versions of what may or may not be people on the other end. I need to get unplugged so I can stop feeling so... unplugged? Disconnected?) or due to a facebook post I made one day when I was tired and grouchy about not wanting to be bothered that day, period, and everyone took it to mean that I don't want to be bothered, ever, period, remains a mystery. Either way I can't decide whether it's more nice or more depressing. Definitely peaceful to not be under pressure from multiple directions at any given moment for my time and attention and money. Definitely hypocritical that I want the time and attention of others as often as possible but don't want to reciprocate with mine any more than the minimum. I sure wouldn't want to talk to someone like that. I guess I can say that I both miss it AND that I'm relieved in exactly equal parts. Not indifference but ambivalence. I'm at both ends of the spectrum at once as usual. Passed through the back wall of time and space and came back in at the opposite end of where I just ended. Like in old video games where the screen was a loop and you could make your character run off the right side of screen and he'd come back on from the left side of the screen or even be half on each side at once.
I want to not have a phone. I want to be so utterly self-contained that no one could possibly have any reason to need to get ahold of me. My whole life, everything I own including my animals and my way to make a living in my truck and two trailers, within sight and under my responsibility and none other at all times. No driving job where my boss and I need to stay in regular contact. No horses boarded at someone's place where they need to call me if one of them sneezes or farts wrong. No money owed to anyone. If I'm going to miss out on all this bonding and empathy stuff that's supposed to be part of the human experience I may as well not have ALL these people right. there. all the time. Like a cat outside a fish tank: so close and yet so far away. If I must be lonely I think I'd rather be alone. I want to go away. I want to disappear, since I'm invisible anyway. No loose ends is what I'm after. No obligations. You can never really be obligated to someone who WANTS you there. Which is how I know they don't. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't So. Many. People around. All the time. It you're the only one for miles and miles at least you can say you're lonely cuz there's actually no one around. But when you're surrounded by your own kind and never feel like you're one of them you kinda have to face the fact that it's because they want nothing to do with you. Or you want nothing to do with them. Which either way probably says more about me than it does about them.
People are mad at me, fed up with me, tired of me catching my balance on them instead of ever making it quite all the way on to my own feet. They're mad but what they don't realize is that I'm even more tired of leaning on them than they are. Cuz even though no one overtly says so, the underlying message has always been the same and it's that no one really wants me there.
I'm sure if anyone from real life still read this thing that statement would probably offend the shit out of a few people which isn't really what I'm meaning. I'm not angered or hurt by anyone specifically right now and not wanting to ostracize anyone but there isn't really a tactful way to say that I feel like I'm surrounded by people who just. don't. get. me. And I'm kinda tired of trying to fabricate the kind of connection that I want. Racetrack people are so two-dimensional that I was always something of a suspect to them, what with my intelligence and broad base of interests. Runners, by-and-large, are otherwise pretty much normal people so I'm out with them. Artists and "intellects" are just way too cool to take real people seriously... I don't fit with any of what I am. No one sees all of me. Or wants to. I'm like an extremely large and awkward piece of art that's way too valuable to throw away but you can just never quite find a place for it in your house and there's no market to sell it to. If anyone saw what they had knew it well enough to value and want it, ya never know, I might not only stand up but take off and fly like I was supposed to.
Tired of being groomed for failure. Tired of being obligated to live down to everyone(my dad)'s expectations of me. So they can be right, and so that I can be right, cuz how am I supposed to be a different shape than the mold I came out of except by breaking? Maybe I want to be broken because I know I'm supposed to be better than this. Rather be broken cuz at least then I have an excuse for my consistent underacheiving that will make sense to the people I have to justify my existence to. Not "supposed to" according to the world and people that shaped me but "supposed to" according to realizing my full potential like all of us should be trying to do. It's not a matter of having given up, and it's not a matter of no one giving a shit about one another; it's a matter of current circumstances in the world we live in having put every single one of us into survival mode; we're all struggling so fucking hard to keep our own heads above water that we look around and practically roll our eyes at other people's strife. Like, "Really? THAT's what you're upset about? Like I have the time!" You don't take water to your neighbor's fire when your own house is burning. Ready to go out of my mind aagin and wander off into the woods for a few months again to rest from reality again. Fighting for survival shouldn't be this dull, day-in and day-out grind. There should at least be zombies to fight or something. Anything to give it a sense of purpose and direction and an attainable end goal. Or any end in sight to the mundane mediocrity. A way out; a way to anything remarkable or even just better. This can't be what it's all about. Life's a concentration camp where we're all slowly starving to death in our souls. Bored shitless with this shit and can't afford to do anything else. A life sentence instead of a life.
I don't have a hell of a huge problem with minimal human contact. What I have a problem with is feeling like I'm "supposed" to be doing something other than what I am. I'm "supposed" to want things other than what I do. I'm "supposed" to settle. I'm "supposed" to be "trying harder" to be someone else's definition of "normal" so that I can have and want what normal people have and want so that I can FINALLY acheive social acceptance and be rewarded with the kind of connection I'm starving for. Cuz no one attains it by "being themselves" no matter what they told you to the contrary, least of all me.
Do I sound as 14 as I feel? Or as 14 as I feel like I sound? More things bothering my mind but this is plenty for the moment cuz I'm fucking tired and hungry. And also haven't peed since 7:30.
Staring at this blank text box for a few minutes trying to decide whether it's worth the trouble to pour my heart out to a deaf internet when what I'm really wanting besides enough money to have a chance in hell at anything other than my current flagging excuse for a life is a real connection with someone. Or rather, staring way, way past this blank text box because I'm so far inside myself right now I can hardly see what's in front of me. Liable to turn inside out and come out the other side of my insides, through the fabric of the universe.
Haven't received a single text on my phone in days. Whether this is due to anything being wrong with my phone (I've received several calls no problem, but 90% of my communications are typed and the void left behind by all that has made me... I don't know. I can't say that I miss it nor that I'm relieved, but I'm suddenly... aware ..in a larger-than-life kind of way how most to all of my interpersonal interactions are actually with a machine. Digitized versions of what may or may not be people on the other end. I need to get unplugged so I can stop feeling so... unplugged? Disconnected?) or due to a facebook post I made one day when I was tired and grouchy about not wanting to be bothered that day, period, and everyone took it to mean that I don't want to be bothered, ever, period, remains a mystery. Either way I can't decide whether it's more nice or more depressing. Definitely peaceful to not be under pressure from multiple directions at any given moment for my time and attention and money. Definitely hypocritical that I want the time and attention of others as often as possible but don't want to reciprocate with mine any more than the minimum. I sure wouldn't want to talk to someone like that. I guess I can say that I both miss it AND that I'm relieved in exactly equal parts. Not indifference but ambivalence. I'm at both ends of the spectrum at once as usual. Passed through the back wall of time and space and came back in at the opposite end of where I just ended. Like in old video games where the screen was a loop and you could make your character run off the right side of screen and he'd come back on from the left side of the screen or even be half on each side at once.
I want to not have a phone. I want to be so utterly self-contained that no one could possibly have any reason to need to get ahold of me. My whole life, everything I own including my animals and my way to make a living in my truck and two trailers, within sight and under my responsibility and none other at all times. No driving job where my boss and I need to stay in regular contact. No horses boarded at someone's place where they need to call me if one of them sneezes or farts wrong. No money owed to anyone. If I'm going to miss out on all this bonding and empathy stuff that's supposed to be part of the human experience I may as well not have ALL these people right. there. all the time. Like a cat outside a fish tank: so close and yet so far away. If I must be lonely I think I'd rather be alone. I want to go away. I want to disappear, since I'm invisible anyway. No loose ends is what I'm after. No obligations. You can never really be obligated to someone who WANTS you there. Which is how I know they don't. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't So. Many. People around. All the time. It you're the only one for miles and miles at least you can say you're lonely cuz there's actually no one around. But when you're surrounded by your own kind and never feel like you're one of them you kinda have to face the fact that it's because they want nothing to do with you. Or you want nothing to do with them. Which either way probably says more about me than it does about them.
People are mad at me, fed up with me, tired of me catching my balance on them instead of ever making it quite all the way on to my own feet. They're mad but what they don't realize is that I'm even more tired of leaning on them than they are. Cuz even though no one overtly says so, the underlying message has always been the same and it's that no one really wants me there.
I'm sure if anyone from real life still read this thing that statement would probably offend the shit out of a few people which isn't really what I'm meaning. I'm not angered or hurt by anyone specifically right now and not wanting to ostracize anyone but there isn't really a tactful way to say that I feel like I'm surrounded by people who just. don't. get. me. And I'm kinda tired of trying to fabricate the kind of connection that I want. Racetrack people are so two-dimensional that I was always something of a suspect to them, what with my intelligence and broad base of interests. Runners, by-and-large, are otherwise pretty much normal people so I'm out with them. Artists and "intellects" are just way too cool to take real people seriously... I don't fit with any of what I am. No one sees all of me. Or wants to. I'm like an extremely large and awkward piece of art that's way too valuable to throw away but you can just never quite find a place for it in your house and there's no market to sell it to. If anyone saw what they had knew it well enough to value and want it, ya never know, I might not only stand up but take off and fly like I was supposed to.
Tired of being groomed for failure. Tired of being obligated to live down to everyone(my dad)'s expectations of me. So they can be right, and so that I can be right, cuz how am I supposed to be a different shape than the mold I came out of except by breaking? Maybe I want to be broken because I know I'm supposed to be better than this. Rather be broken cuz at least then I have an excuse for my consistent underacheiving that will make sense to the people I have to justify my existence to. Not "supposed to" according to the world and people that shaped me but "supposed to" according to realizing my full potential like all of us should be trying to do. It's not a matter of having given up, and it's not a matter of no one giving a shit about one another; it's a matter of current circumstances in the world we live in having put every single one of us into survival mode; we're all struggling so fucking hard to keep our own heads above water that we look around and practically roll our eyes at other people's strife. Like, "Really? THAT's what you're upset about? Like I have the time!" You don't take water to your neighbor's fire when your own house is burning. Ready to go out of my mind aagin and wander off into the woods for a few months again to rest from reality again. Fighting for survival shouldn't be this dull, day-in and day-out grind. There should at least be zombies to fight or something. Anything to give it a sense of purpose and direction and an attainable end goal. Or any end in sight to the mundane mediocrity. A way out; a way to anything remarkable or even just better. This can't be what it's all about. Life's a concentration camp where we're all slowly starving to death in our souls. Bored shitless with this shit and can't afford to do anything else. A life sentence instead of a life.
I don't have a hell of a huge problem with minimal human contact. What I have a problem with is feeling like I'm "supposed" to be doing something other than what I am. I'm "supposed" to want things other than what I do. I'm "supposed" to settle. I'm "supposed" to be "trying harder" to be someone else's definition of "normal" so that I can have and want what normal people have and want so that I can FINALLY acheive social acceptance and be rewarded with the kind of connection I'm starving for. Cuz no one attains it by "being themselves" no matter what they told you to the contrary, least of all me.
Do I sound as 14 as I feel? Or as 14 as I feel like I sound? More things bothering my mind but this is plenty for the moment cuz I'm fucking tired and hungry. And also haven't peed since 7:30.