(no subject)
My next gripe was that I am impatient with the development of my career, which, although frustrating, is something I currently recognize as a temporary setback due to injury. And this year, when I am healed, I will be really healed, unlike last year when I was hobbling around on my broken fucking ankle trying to make a living, while unable to pass a physical to race-ride. And, because I have my bug now, things should FINALLY start rolling for me. I will make lots of money which will solve all of my problems yaay!
Except for the problem of my relationship pattern, which after my reflections on the previous entry, and on the aforementioned back-entries, is something I have decided to reexamine here.
Having reviewed chapter one of this rant to regain my train of thought, the phrase which most caught my eye was "...his failure in his marriage to my mother by reinacting with me"
This is a sick, twisted observation, and also an extremely common one. Adult children of alcoholics group first brought to my attention the parent-child role reversal phenomenon. Self-mutilation books delved into the concept of self-injurers wanting to take control of the things that are hurting them and at the same time be able to soothe and heal the wounds. Eating-disorders are another control thing- aside from the self-image stuff, and the wanting to stay an undeveloped little girl so you don't become sexually attractive to an abusive parent, and the wanting to become sexually attractive to boys because you are craving male affection and think that the only way to get it is attached to sex- aside from all that, it's a control thing. When you can control nothing else in your teen-angst world, you can control that, a habit which frequently carries over into adult situations in which you refuse to take responsibility and therefore control of actual events in your life. Add to this the Freudian concept of becoming your same-sex parent and falling in love with your opposite sex parent...
All of that together pretty much explains everything.
The only thing that might be even a little bit unusual about me is that, as far as that Freudian thing goes, I'm kind of both of my parents rather than just my mother, and I'm consistently finding myself with men who display traits of both my parents rather than just my father. I might possibly be able to explain this apparent role reversal by comparing it to the AlAnon parent-child role-reversal, given that my father raised me after the divorce, therefore I also became him as the caretaker rather than just my mother.
But the concept of repeating your bad habits in an effort to remedy them is not a new one. You watch your parents have a dysfunctional relationship, which they try and try and try to fix, usually failing. In my case, I am in the dyfunctional relationship with my parent, who I try and try and try to fix, and fail at. Realizing that it is a lost cause, I subconsciously seek a partner with similar problems, and try to fix him instead, because the concept of failure is simply too maddenning to face. Substance abuse, emotional unavailability, controlling, stubborn/hard-headed/close-minded/know-it-all/opinionated/belittling/disrespectful -you name it, those are the ones I pick. And, because I am also my father, I pick ones who also have the same bad habits as my mother: codependence, unreliability, financial irresponsibility, emotionally volatile, and who want to get puffed up and argue with you about things they know absolutely nothing about, and try to fix them, too.
People find themselves repeating similar circumstances because they are still trying to work out past failures. The reason they never seem to work these things out is because their efforts are centered around trying to "fix" the other person. Trying to shine a spotlight on what you perceive as the other person's character flaws, exposing to them the errors of their ways, and thus motivating them to change into your ideal partner. Trouble is that these people are probably perfectly content with these things about themselves, and they will never make a lasting change for anyone but themselves. So if they disagree with you,
you're S.O.L. It will be a continuing source of conflict. Continuing to nag and criticize will only increase the hard-feelings between you, and you will stay together miserably, wasting time, or you will split painfully and go on to repeat the same shit with someone new.
Focus your improvement efforts on yourself. On being the person you consider ideal. On developing the best-case-scenario life you want for yourself. On flushing out, confronting, and conquering your own issues, not someone else's.
So my daddy doesn't love me, doesn't want me, isn't proud of me.
Big Fucking Deal.
I love me. I want me. And I am pretty fucking amazed that I turned out as well as I did. I am fucking amazing, regardless of what anyone thinks. Though I get discouraged sometimes, I have more guts and more resilience than anyone I know. I have an IQ above 170. I have a conscience, and I have passion, and I consider the things that scare me to be a challenge, not a deterrent. I am full of love and admiration for people who deserve it, and if I remember to apply myself I can actually muster a good deal of sensitivity, insight, compasssion, understanding... I have as much talent in my bad ankle as most people have in their entire body. Talent for a broad range of things. The whole world is right before my feet; I have only to walk in one direction long enough to arrive.
So my mother is helpless without a man and has her picture next to naive in the dictionary wants credit for whatever I achieve to offset the fact that she has done NOTHING meaningful with her life outside of buying a home at an expense beyond her means. So fuckin what? All I have to do is support myself, by myself, which I've already proven I can do, twice, remain unfairly suspicious of and coolly detatched from all human lifeforms, and take steps, steadily and with practicality, toward where I want to be, and I am guaranteed to not be like that.
I am not done yet, but I forgot some of my other digressions, and I want to save my work and regather my thoughts now.