(no subject)
I love him.
I don't care that the only reason I even got involved with him was because I was (and still am, although lack of contact is allowing it to slowly fade) cripplingly lovesick over someone else and desperately seeking a distraction, or that my feelings for him are simply a transference of my feelings for that other person.
I don't care if my love for him is only a manifestation of the fact that I have low self-esteem and feel that he's the best I can do.
I don't care that I don't really know how to tell the difference between love and any other number of other things I could be feeling, among them guilt, attachment, desperation, lonliness, vulnerability, or inadequacy.
I simply feel that love is the best label for the particular set of emotions I'm having. Certainly you have to love someone in order to be heartbroken over them? Although, oddly enough, the heartbreak doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the "relationship" did. Maybe it just still hasn't hit me. Maybe it won't, because he did leave saying he'll find me again someday under different circumstances. Strung me along again. I don't really believe it, but I suppose hope is okay when you've got nothing else to hold onto. I know it's stupid to consider waiting for him. Waste precious time I could spend with someone else. But, like he said about himself after his first love dumped him, after that, what's the fucking difference? The love of my life doesn't want me and his replacement just let something walk out of his life that was worth holding onto.
I told him I would love to be the girl who makes a difference for him again, but there's only so much I can do if he's too chicken shit to take a chance on me.
I told him how selfish he's been to keep leading me on, knowing what it was doing to me, just so he could get what he wanted.
I told him, not for the first time, that even if we don't end up together, if his heart isn't truly there he needs to leave her in order to give himself a chance at something better.
I don't want him gone from my life.
I knew it was stupid from the start. (<- My little way of saying, "I blame myself." Duh. Who else would I blame?)
"...and you're so far down that maybe you were thinkin'about jumpin'..." -Third Eye Blind
I don't think I'll ever forget the last time he held me. So strong. He could break me in half if he was the jealous type. But so gentle. So strong and so safe. Such a safe place to be.
He won't come back. He walked away wanting to think so, to make himself feel better, but inertia applies to people, too. Objects at rest tend to stay that way. Unless she leaves him, he'll stay there simply out of lazy habit. He never gave me a reason, but that's why I wouldn't have given me my phone number. Because with one call to her, I could make that happen. So selfish. I don't think I ever would have done it because I cared so much for him, even when I was crazy with pain and anger, and because he would have been so mad at me he might not have wanted me anymore, either. Crazy manipulative underhanded bitch move. Obviously I've thought about this quite a bit, which means I do have some of that to me. Especially considering that this is a script I've written entirely on my own; he never made any contributiton at all to this excuse I've made for him refusing to allow me contact. Still a shitty excuse not to give me his cell number, which she never would have answered. He won't come back and it's my fault. Not that it counts as cheating because I wasn't his girlfriend. But still, men and their use of pride to cover their insecurities. I tried to explain to him how much more insecure he made me feel, and how I was just seeking that security in his absence. In a a way, he did kind of bring it on himself. I can hear Sean saying that, "under the right circumstances, everyone will cheat." Also a shitty excuse for sleeping around trying to make him jealous. That was the only time he ever seemed even a little bit upset with me, and not because he gave a shit about me, but because he was worried about catching something. So selfish and so safe in his arms.
I guess when you decide you're ready to settle for less, give up on your idealistic dreams, quit chasing fucking rainbows, so to speak, you'd better be ready to settle for the whole package deal.
I think he did give a shit. Just so scared.
Note to self: guards are not brought down by force.
"I want my patience NOW, damnit!" -me
Maybe what seemed like a really long time to me was too fast for him?
"...hold me now; I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin' maybe six feet ain't so far down..." -Creed
I love him.
I wish I could talk to Nathan.
I've kind of run out of other people to talk to.
Robin, but after so much time in a truck with her that idea is kind of stale. Beth and Tracey are both too far away to be convenient. Kind of impersonal. And something's wierd with Beth that didn't used to be. Not until her-Nathan. Something subtle that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it's me, but I doubt it. I need a sage, and the closest thing I ever had to that was Des.
I told him there were a hundred other things she should have been mad at me for, but I lost her because of him. He said if that was the case then she wasn't really my friend, but that was wrong.
But, as I've said, we'd been growing apart long before then, anyway.
I was thinking about how mad she got at me for the gross disrespect I showed my body and emotions over this man, leaving aside the fact that she never threatened to disown me for carving on myself or starving myself or whatever else, and the fact that I was, at the time, sleeping with him exclusively. My thought was that, while I sacrifice my body trying to attain an emtotional connection, does she not do the diametric opposite, which, in circle-theory leads to the same result? What I mean, is, how she keeps herself distant and even closed off emotionally for the sake of defending both her feelings and the temple in which they dwell, which effectively prevents her from the fulfillment of emotionally close relationships (other than with Maciek)? Sounds like a life of depravity to me, which is kind of the same disrespect I showed myself, albeit in a much less severe/more acceptable way. I, obviously, understand about keeping your guard up, but when you select someone to be your friend or lover, doesn't that indicate trust, which she then failed to back up by showing me she trusted me? Or are things of that depth supposed to be reserved only for your spouse? I guess I'm finally starting to miss her. Not that I was in denial before or anything; it just hadn't been long enough for me to notice it yet.
I want a man. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. I want to be held. I really want to stop crying. I want to sleep next to someone at night. Someone who will lie awake looking at me and think he must be the luckiest man in the world. Someone who, with a look, can make me feel like the most beautiful thing there ever was. And someone I feel likewise about. I want to feel like it would make a difference to someone (whose life I consider more worthwhile than my own) if I died went away. I want to be missed when I'm gone. I feel that will be sooner than even I imagine. It will be sudden and I will be totally unprepared for it. I want someone who, after ten or fifteen years, I can still fall in love with all over again every day. Be in awe of each other every moment. But I guess things like that only exist in movies and denial. Unhealthy, anyway, for all your contact to come from one person. Good way to forget who you are as an individual. How to survive on your own, should the need present itself.
"I need you like water like breath like rain I need you like mercy..." -LeAnn Rhimes
Everyone settles eventually.
I think partly out of my desperation for human contact right now, (Oh, now Des will REALLY have a reason to feel superior to me because I gave in and admitted to my weakness before she did) I've even considered trying to get on speaking terms with Marie again. Not go back and board there, by any means, even though I despise MileHi, because I just can't deal with her in a business relationship, but just try to be friendly. Except then there would always be things I was leaving out of conversation about Santana and other horsey parts of my life to keep from riling her up, and omission is just as good as dishonesty if you ask me, and friends don't do that. They should respect each other enough not to, at any rate. And honestly, in that case, it would be her ass, not mine, for breaching the unspoken friendship contract. Look at me, I'm defending arguments already. But even if we don't make friends again, I still feel I ought to at least make peace because I do owe her and Michael a lot.
FedEx sucks. I thought this job was fun for about the first two days I was there, then the absurd futility of it sank in. I get my 80 hour new hire bonus on my next paycheck, and I'm thinking seriously of quitting at that point. Then I was thinking of sticking it out through February because I'll prbably be able to start galloping in March, and at least shoeing will pick up in the spring, too. Mom is still hell bent on me starting jockey school in April, and for the moment I'm entertaining her obsession even though I've been told it's a total waste by someone who's been there and know there's no way in hell I'll be able to swing it with so many animals (which dad hates more every day) at home. I really need to get out of his house. Anyway, it crossed my mind to stay at FedEx until the end of March if I do start school in April.
I just get really pissed at her because she doesn't seem to give a fuck that I've already gone to school to be a farrier and she pressuring me to let that become a total waste to keep chasing this fucking rainbow by going to California for two months where I will have NO chance to practice. I think 1)that she just wants to have me under her control again (she'll be working in Ventura county at the same time I'm in school, whcih means she'll be expecting me to stay with her) and wants a way to "redeem herself to me" (which is what she tells herself, although it truthfully amounts to wanting to coerce me into feeling some sort of gratitude toward her) and 2)that seeing her last child succeed is her last chance to view herself as something other than a complete failure. Don't get me wrong, being a jockey is my dream and I do believe that I have a legitimate chance to make it big and not "settle" for being a farrier, which is also a very wise skill for me to maintain as a horseman, but I simply am not willing to chase that dream on her terms instead of mine. If I sound like a total ingrate it's because you don't know my mother's inner workings.
Also, at 1,000 hours I get medical benefits, and I am in dire need of dental work, no thanks to the bitch, but that'll take me damned near a year loading trucks and I just don't think I can last that long. My mind is about gone already. Then I think that 11 bucks an hour is actually very good money for totally untrained manual labor. Then I think to myself, "This can't be life. It just can't. You drag yourself from a cozy bed at ungodly hours of the morning to go do something that makes you miserable in order to afford to feed yourself. Which basically amounts to keeping yourself alive, although you don't really know what for. After all, the best feeling you ever get is that of relief when your shift is over, or perhaps punching out on Fridays with a check in your hand. That's what you look forward to. That's it. And that just can't be it. Why? Well, because why let me within sight of the shore only to drown me now?
God has quite the obsession with toil and irony.
This boils down to a millenia old instinct present in all living things, and that is self-preservation. Where did it come from? We're all preoccupied with faith - whether in God, purpose, or simply self-fulfillment - the idea that there has to be something better. Because if not, then what? Pride. Haughty egotism. The pompous notion that God has bigger plans for me. Where did it come from? What is the motivation to go be miserable again tomorrow? What's the big hurry to continue? Where the fuck do we think we're continuing to? There's really not a whole heap of evidence to support the idea that there's somewhere/thing better out there, yet even animals will fight for survival, and they seem to me like they don't believe a whole lot of anything. What is IT?! I must know!
Anyone who has contemplated suicide regularly must know at least the feeling of what I'm getting at here, even if words escape them. That perhaps there really isn't a point - which cannot be known until after our time is spent - and the urge to find out now, even though that would seem like a sickening watse of toil if we found out on the other side that there was a point after all. Sometimes you must break a thing in order to see what it is. I think sometimes I stay here just because I'm confused. And maybe when I'm less confused, figure out for sure that there really is no ryme or reason to any of this, I'll wish I'd gone through with it back when I had the guts. Youth is wasted on the young.
It's funny; I never thought I was missing anything without a man until I had one, and ever since I realized I didn't really have him I've just been walking around kind of lost. Never before so alone.
I guess you can't really "have" a person, per se. The best you can do is lay yourself on the altar before them and hope they'd do the same for you.
You know the difference between a dandelion and an apple tree? The apple tree takes longer to grow up.
After that I don't think I've got too long. Seriously, I stopped to realize the other day that I'm within ten or maybe fifteen years of reaching every dream I've ever had. What then? I'll be lucky to see thrity-five. Forty if things are slow coming together.
I think twenty will be a good year. I have plenty to toil over between then and now, but it seems like that's when things are going to start assembling. Eight months is alarmingly soon. *has excitement*
I thought of a real New Year's Resolution, and it has nothing to do with running, although I don need to get my ass back on track as far as that's concerned. My goal is to be in my own place by the end of the year. Preferably before my birthday.
I just need the steady income from FedEx because I'm not riding for the Mexicans anymore. I decided I can deal with horses I don't like, or I can deal with people I don't like, but not both. Coming from my background, I feel quite justified in enforcing a strict "No Flake" policy. I showed up ready to ride at noon one day, as I was told to, and ended up pissing around until four. No. Just no. Then, Polo calls me a couple weeks ago wanting urgently to fly me down to Mexico to ride his horses (actually hoping I'd ride him, too. Eeew! Ugly mofo and littlest dick EVER!) and I told him I needed time to consider it and see if I could get time off work. He said he'd call me back in three days and never did. I just cannot deal with unreliability. Can't do it. Too much else on my plate.
I ran my eight mile race after not training at all for two weeks (unless you consider FedEx to be cross-training) with a head cold, both resultant of trying to adjust to working nights, and did about as well as I could have expected had I trained up to it and been healthy. Did nothing for a week and a half after than, then Wednesday night went out and ran six miles in fifty minutes. That's four eight-minute miles and two nine-minute miles. I kick so much ass. Except I haven't done anything since then, and I feel like I'm really losing condition now. I'm sure having a pint of iced cream for dinner every night for two weeks didn't help, although I did inexplicably lose three pounds. They must really be working me like a dog to lose weight with that kind of caloric intake. Anyhow. I'm gonna call Robin now and see about going back to work two days a week. Prolly Mon&Thurs pretty regular, except for this Thursday because I've already scheduled Trudy's horse to be reshod. Hooray for sixty bucks! Soo much easier than loading trucks. They call me Mighty Mouse at work. I am deeply honored.
I feel like I am tantalizingly close to flipping that switch. Figuring it all out, is what I mean. I just can't quite touch the wires together to make the light come on. Kind of like whatever's gone wierd with Beth. It's right there. Tip of my tongue. Constantly slipping away as I nearly arrive. That time is coming. After that, I don't think I've got too long. I'm over half-done living as it is.
God, I'm fucking crazy.
Gerardo brought me the papers. There will be complications because he never had them changed to his name. *sigh* The horse is actually a great great grandson of Dash for Cash, which genetically is about all he has going for him. Oh, well. A good horse is a good horse; any fool can see that. I'll have to read back through my entries; I can't remember when we bred her and I need to have at least a ballpark due date in my head. "June or July" is too vague.
I got hay today. Planned to get 20 bales but it was garbage so I only got 8. Shorted the guy $6 using my second grade math skills and dropped my phone, so I went back. Mostly to pay him the $6. I am reminded of Des again. The two weeks she spent testing us by not calling anyone. Complaining that she'd only gotten two calls the whole time. I didn't say to her that at that time, other than her and Beth, no one EVER called me. Now Beth and Robin are my rarities. I'm starving. Dying of lonliness, but I'd still rather have a boyfriend. There are holes that not just anyone, even your friends, can fill, you know?
---
student loan payment
February horse board
galloping boots
blanket
helmet
vest
chaps
boots
nippers
grinder/dremmel/drill
rasps, rim inventory, aluminum inventory, odd parts inventory
trailer
own place
hackamore
saddle
repay Kit
hybrid
new truck for dad (inherrit work truck&Jeep)
classic becomes a streed rod
motorcycle
classA CDL
more horses
Colfax Marathon
Boulder Backroads Marathon
Mountain Air Marathon
Pikes Peak Marathon
Durango Double Marathon&50k
Greenland Trail 50k
50 States Marathon
Everest Marathon
Marathon des Sables
Jungle Marathon
Desert Marathon
steeplechasing
hurdling
Elias
GERARDO
NATHAN
writing, drawing, painting, photography, running, horses
travel, education, competition
---
Santana prancing around the arena In riding a horse we borrow freedom
A kitten curled up in the patch of sunlight slanting onto the floor
Sierra and that damned pale, penetrating gaze of hers
Fields of sunflowers flanked by yellow aspens with swallowtails and meadowlarks flitting to and fro ...and it was all yellow...
A good run ...like no earthbound thing..
Nathan slouched asleep on the couch, hugging his stomach with his shirt off