A Realization....
To night I realized a few things. I was sitting at a table at Six Arms,
processing the days events. Linking them with other things that have
ment so much to me. I came to a sense of clarity on my life. I realized
that I will not find a mate. It is not just because times are hard
right now, but more of I am looking for something completely different.
Since early on I realized that there was more to this world then I
thought. There are moments when I was 5 that I have told no one, that
occured in Alaska that brought me closer to understanding the true
connection of everything. Unfortunatly my teacher died shortly after.
Since then I have had these visions locked in my head, yet influenced
by myother family and life, fading into the world of what seemed to be
an illusion. My grandmother was a true Bodhisattva in some ways, or
atleast on the incarnation of becoming one. Now I realize that most of
my relationship so far have been linked to this searching for that
powerful female to finish my teachings. The reality, is that in the two
people that have touched my heart, I did not find this, and destoryed
the relationships in trying. So where does that leave me. Envy is my
hardest sin to over come. I sit at the bar, watching this woman talk
with this man. Locked in interest and wonder in eachother. I realize
that I wished I was in that situation. Envy, in me keeps the nightmares
going. It keeps the cycles of suffering to create Karma that dicates my
existance. It is what maked me find disappointment after
disappointment, as no relationship can give me what I want... That path
is left to my own... Fear has held me back from this course. In the
end, it is fear that locks us in the cycle of Samsara. So it is time to
let those attachments and needs go.
Understanding this, means that one has to be mature and own up to this
realization. I think my pattern over my life has been not looking
towards reality. I have tryed to change myself to fit the way others
seem to be. In the end, this even goes down to my friends from
childhood. The reality is that I feel I am on a different course.. I
MUST pursue this course, as it is what I was destine to do... I feel
the connection between others, but I understand, that my view has been
a little different the entire time... In the end... It is in doubting
this view, that has caused me much of my suffering in life, as when you
have to cancle out what you see in life, you begin to doubt the
sincerity of things... This is the reality... And the course that I
must now fixate on... I know what I am... I know what I must do... Now
is time to drop the fear that I MUST do this ALONE... And get on with
it...
-- Ridgewalker