Cycle
Aside from screaming Money for hours at a time in the evening I've been alone. It's strange to see myself now, a native NYer talking to people outside of the city more than actual friends. I don't hang out with anyone and no one calls me, I rarely call because I don't want to go clamoring for friendship and attention, but really- no one. ever. calls. I go out alone and come home to people I wish I were removed from. No one understands just how terrible this existence of mine is- I've gone through so many stages dealing with this feeling that I am just angry and determined to live my own life at any cost regardless of who gets in my way or tries to stop me. I would rather die than continue this life and no one... knows or isn't close enough to console or understand.
There's a very big reason I left this city years ago without telling anyone and no one understands what I was trying to get away from. I wrecked just about every chance to have love or some stable life and now I'm back in this city back to being destitute and solemn. Some days I go through and don't talk to anyone at all. I live inside my head and I hate it. I'm suffering for someone's mistake, I've given so much and yet I've been treated as a child, taken for granted.
Every day I wish I could get away, but I have no where to go and no one to go to. The whole world is mine and I'm too afraid to kill my life for a new one. I like money too fucking much to quit my job. I have too much ambition to die and I feel like a coward for not living enough. Both Buddhism and space exploration demand acceptance of being in a state of solitude and I feel like I'm not brave enough to undertake either of them.
There's a very big reason I left this city years ago without telling anyone and no one understands what I was trying to get away from. I wrecked just about every chance to have love or some stable life and now I'm back in this city back to being destitute and solemn. Some days I go through and don't talk to anyone at all. I live inside my head and I hate it. I'm suffering for someone's mistake, I've given so much and yet I've been treated as a child, taken for granted.
Every day I wish I could get away, but I have no where to go and no one to go to. The whole world is mine and I'm too afraid to kill my life for a new one. I like money too fucking much to quit my job. I have too much ambition to die and I feel like a coward for not living enough. Both Buddhism and space exploration demand acceptance of being in a state of solitude and I feel like I'm not brave enough to undertake either of them.