Tangled and Tangled
The Summer is over- the moisture from the streets is disappearing. I had to scramble for a weekend to get a jacket, black bomber that comes up like a military coat. I don't see the sunset any more as it's moved over more south from my window, but I after meditation I watch the sky turn from black to blue in the mornings.
My birthday came and fell around, but somehow survival was part of the plan. I didn't really do anything, read poetry at Buffalo Readings and stayed awake in Callahan's alone in the kitchen while a girl from Germany cried in the living room. I saw the sunrise that day too and it was a cool morning that I took home.
The longer and longer I live in New York I realize that I am doing what I don't want to be and I wonder what's going to happen, if I will have to learn to deal or figure a way to leave. Things are tied and tangled, I can't really make sense of most days. There is a lot that I am lacking and I afraid of being held down by material items. I felt guilty because I everything I wanted for my birthday was an object for myself.
I'm not reading much, I bought a book and it's so big it has to stay home, but when I'm here I'm doing something else. Things feel pressed and I am trying to just absorb it and not feel bad or mean about things. I've been starting to have regrets about relationships in the past, wondering if I had done something different would it had turned out differently? But they can't be changed and I've been trying to just accept it and look into my future, but it seems so cloudy.
My birthday came and fell around, but somehow survival was part of the plan. I didn't really do anything, read poetry at Buffalo Readings and stayed awake in Callahan's alone in the kitchen while a girl from Germany cried in the living room. I saw the sunrise that day too and it was a cool morning that I took home.
The longer and longer I live in New York I realize that I am doing what I don't want to be and I wonder what's going to happen, if I will have to learn to deal or figure a way to leave. Things are tied and tangled, I can't really make sense of most days. There is a lot that I am lacking and I afraid of being held down by material items. I felt guilty because I everything I wanted for my birthday was an object for myself.
I'm not reading much, I bought a book and it's so big it has to stay home, but when I'm here I'm doing something else. Things feel pressed and I am trying to just absorb it and not feel bad or mean about things. I've been starting to have regrets about relationships in the past, wondering if I had done something different would it had turned out differently? But they can't be changed and I've been trying to just accept it and look into my future, but it seems so cloudy.