it's the subtropical high; not some aleutian low
wow i did not expect this but distance only makes me feel as if I appreciate your voice more; perhaps we have not talked in ages but this distance, and hearing it one more time only and probably makes me appreciate it more. our paths have criss-crossed and crossed again and again before diverging again, probably unaware that we might meet again but I guess it was that connection made a million years ago that allows me to meet you again, from close friend to mere acquaintance. I really hope that our paths will cross once more, and this time, I won't hesitate.
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I have had a habit of burning bridges and cutting off communication with people I no longer see a need in talking to or when friends just grow apart, I do little to preserve that bond that people would share. maybe i'm once again being that presumptuous little snob, believing that there was a bond that i broke it, when there could be no bond at all. but in this world, the world that i'm living in, the world that i have created and experienced, that bond exists and more often than not, I smash it to bits. I don't know why, maybe I am just too practical and tired to keep up with false pretenses of preserving it for the sake of it when you have nothing left to speak of, nothing that you are mutually invested or interested in anymore. the sad thing is, I have realized that maybe the mutual thing that we are invested in is one another, the person that you are interested in as a friend. because it has now hit me, and i'm glad it has, that there are only so many people in this world that you can possibly get along with, losing them one by one and not preserving that emotional connection just means that you lose one more person that you get along with, we just stop talking when we no longer have a reason to talk, and when we do we talk about the shared experiences of the past, while not ever, getting to know the present you.
i am glad i have friends who try and bring the past back and stuff, sometimes we need that to forget the present. but after a certain point, we have to move on and that only increases the nostalgia and the melancholy attached to this relationship.
anyway, as in my previous post, i'm resolved to stretch my hands out instead of remaining unfazed because we never know when paths will cross again and friendships will rekindle. maybe my utilitarian world view is changing, and i guess i have some friends to thank... and i'm blogging this because i want to remember this day, the day where my utilitarian world view has changed.
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studying kind of makes you sick because you become so saturated with things that you no longer feel like doing anything else but studying. it's the sunk cause thing when you believe that you are studied so much already and not studying more only makes you feel as if all the studying you've done in the past will go to waste if you don't study all you can and try your best. that's a sunk cost/cause logical fallacy, but a particularly effective one because you are motivated to study. whilst i can see a hundred and one reasons why i should ignore blocks and just do what i feel like doing, i shouldn't because, after all, it's blocks and i have got nothing better to do, no better measure of my own self-worth at this point. because every day, we all seek to measure ourselves against something to feel that hint of accomplishment and when your life is as empty and hollow as mine at this very point, you would probably have no choice but to measure your own self-worth against your exam grades.
at least i know, that might get me somewhere in the future. perhaps it's parental influence, but the direction and the path that i wish to take seems to be getting clearer and clearer - which university to attend, which subjects to take, which scholarship to get and who to work for assuming i do or do not get that scholarship - they all seem to add up to my vision in life - at least a comfortable life, materialistically. the whole, where do you want to be in 10 years thing (other than materialistically) seems to still be a fuzz but i'm sure i'll figure something out along the way.
and it is these visions that keep me going, keep me motivated to do well because i know i can and i would want to because that means getting somewhere instead of getting none. that is something that i cannot live with.
getting no where.
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(i might hate myself for all these posts in the future, but i would rather put my thoughts down now candidly than suffer from selective amnesia of childhood events, rather be ashamed about myself in the future that these thoughts even existed then than to suffer from losing a part of myself or denying that part even existed - all in line with stretching my hands out and catching those leaves, even if those leaves are powdered with poisonous thoughts and practicalities)
---
I have had a habit of burning bridges and cutting off communication with people I no longer see a need in talking to or when friends just grow apart, I do little to preserve that bond that people would share. maybe i'm once again being that presumptuous little snob, believing that there was a bond that i broke it, when there could be no bond at all. but in this world, the world that i'm living in, the world that i have created and experienced, that bond exists and more often than not, I smash it to bits. I don't know why, maybe I am just too practical and tired to keep up with false pretenses of preserving it for the sake of it when you have nothing left to speak of, nothing that you are mutually invested or interested in anymore. the sad thing is, I have realized that maybe the mutual thing that we are invested in is one another, the person that you are interested in as a friend. because it has now hit me, and i'm glad it has, that there are only so many people in this world that you can possibly get along with, losing them one by one and not preserving that emotional connection just means that you lose one more person that you get along with, we just stop talking when we no longer have a reason to talk, and when we do we talk about the shared experiences of the past, while not ever, getting to know the present you.
i am glad i have friends who try and bring the past back and stuff, sometimes we need that to forget the present. but after a certain point, we have to move on and that only increases the nostalgia and the melancholy attached to this relationship.
anyway, as in my previous post, i'm resolved to stretch my hands out instead of remaining unfazed because we never know when paths will cross again and friendships will rekindle. maybe my utilitarian world view is changing, and i guess i have some friends to thank... and i'm blogging this because i want to remember this day, the day where my utilitarian world view has changed.
---
studying kind of makes you sick because you become so saturated with things that you no longer feel like doing anything else but studying. it's the sunk cause thing when you believe that you are studied so much already and not studying more only makes you feel as if all the studying you've done in the past will go to waste if you don't study all you can and try your best. that's a sunk cost/cause logical fallacy, but a particularly effective one because you are motivated to study. whilst i can see a hundred and one reasons why i should ignore blocks and just do what i feel like doing, i shouldn't because, after all, it's blocks and i have got nothing better to do, no better measure of my own self-worth at this point. because every day, we all seek to measure ourselves against something to feel that hint of accomplishment and when your life is as empty and hollow as mine at this very point, you would probably have no choice but to measure your own self-worth against your exam grades.
at least i know, that might get me somewhere in the future. perhaps it's parental influence, but the direction and the path that i wish to take seems to be getting clearer and clearer - which university to attend, which subjects to take, which scholarship to get and who to work for assuming i do or do not get that scholarship - they all seem to add up to my vision in life - at least a comfortable life, materialistically. the whole, where do you want to be in 10 years thing (other than materialistically) seems to still be a fuzz but i'm sure i'll figure something out along the way.
and it is these visions that keep me going, keep me motivated to do well because i know i can and i would want to because that means getting somewhere instead of getting none. that is something that i cannot live with.
getting no where.
---
(i might hate myself for all these posts in the future, but i would rather put my thoughts down now candidly than suffer from selective amnesia of childhood events, rather be ashamed about myself in the future that these thoughts even existed then than to suffer from losing a part of myself or denying that part even existed - all in line with stretching my hands out and catching those leaves, even if those leaves are powdered with poisonous thoughts and practicalities)