Update
So I was driving home when I came upon a realization that I thought was journal worthy.
I realized that I eagerly and desperately subconsciously search for The One. How every date I have gone on, every relationship, and every flirt I have given was all in search of her. Also how I passionately want to give my entire being to someone. Now, the relationships I have had I try to give 100% of me, but my heart will sometimes disagree and only give percentages of me, whether I like it or not. And then I feel guilt because the other person is giving all they can, and I am only giving out percentages. Now these are never conscious thoughts, but subconscious.
I don't know whats wrong with me, and why I can't give 100%, but I am desperately searching for the one girl whom my hearts wants to give 100%, so I may unravel this bloated heart. I feel like I have big steel gates that block my hearts output, and those gates open differently for everyone, and I just cant wait to let it all out.
This is also the root cause of 99% of my breakups, 99% of my self-confidence problems, and basically why I end up acting like I do when girls are involved in social situations.
I also wish I could record my self at all times, and then re-watch how I act. See I know what I intend, I know what I think, and I know how I want to present myself, but i'm not sure my actions show all of that.
Anyway, just thought i'd share so future me can see how I am feeling at this point in my life, and how much I have grown since this post.
I realized that I eagerly and desperately subconsciously search for The One. How every date I have gone on, every relationship, and every flirt I have given was all in search of her. Also how I passionately want to give my entire being to someone. Now, the relationships I have had I try to give 100% of me, but my heart will sometimes disagree and only give percentages of me, whether I like it or not. And then I feel guilt because the other person is giving all they can, and I am only giving out percentages. Now these are never conscious thoughts, but subconscious.
I don't know whats wrong with me, and why I can't give 100%, but I am desperately searching for the one girl whom my hearts wants to give 100%, so I may unravel this bloated heart. I feel like I have big steel gates that block my hearts output, and those gates open differently for everyone, and I just cant wait to let it all out.
This is also the root cause of 99% of my breakups, 99% of my self-confidence problems, and basically why I end up acting like I do when girls are involved in social situations.
I also wish I could record my self at all times, and then re-watch how I act. See I know what I intend, I know what I think, and I know how I want to present myself, but i'm not sure my actions show all of that.
Anyway, just thought i'd share so future me can see how I am feeling at this point in my life, and how much I have grown since this post.