Ah man life....
So tonight was offically my last marching band rehearsal. Its good and bad. This year band has been pretty lame but as a whole band is pretty sweet. Confusing No? Yeah, my voice is dead and im really tired but can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. And guess what? Im going to spill it all out on you.
Since Band is done that means this semester is almost done. Which means my senior year is pretty much half over. That scares me more than anything else in this world. I have no clue as to what im doing when I graduate. No clue as to what im going to study or even become as an adult. All my life my mom has been pushing me to do good in math. Calling me her last chance to get a kid who might earn a living doing something with math. Oddly enough, I have put some serious thought into this. I FUCKING HATE MATH. I don't want to be some dumb ass engineer for the rest of my life. Yeah, i like playing with legos and shit but that has nothing to do with math. A god damned monkey could play with Legos. I have made a decision. Im not being an engineer.
I want to do something with Music. Over the last couple of months I have really broadened my musical horizon. I have also found out that i enjoy music over anything else. Save a few things. Im not talking about listening to my favorite bands and talking about them with other friends. Im talking about writing music, like classical music. Piano parts and stuff like that. Music is slowly becoming a major part of my life. I would be fine with not being a musician and not be in some amazingly famous band. I just want to do something that has to do with Music. Maybe be a composer, maybe own a recording studio. There are so many possibilities i just dont even know.
And now to start with something thats a little more in the now. If your reading this and know anything about me, you should know who i like. And for the slight chance that you have forgotten its Amber. I've come to the sad reality that nothing is actually going to happen between us. Honestly, I wish i hadn't liked her as much as i have. I really beat myself up over her. No physical abuse or anything like that. Just mental. I got really depressed at times. Like I am now. And its really not all her fault. Well actually its not her fault at all. Im the fucking dumbass who sat around waiting for my time and never really did anything about it. Just waited thinking "eventually shit will go my way." Not realizing that that philosophy is pretty much the stupidest shit out there.
I didn't really want to get on this subject but hey lets do it. Thats just one of that many things i dont like about myself. I just sit around and wait for something to go around my way. Just thinking that everything will just fall into place and go right. I won't lift a fucking finger to get anything real done. Not hoping that it will go right actually believing that nothing could possibly go wrong. And then guess what happens. What ever can go wrong will. Its just fucking stupid. And i've tried to change it but im just not that kind of person. I will forever be this way.
Well that enough of a rant for now. I guess i will let you be.
-Ben
Since Band is done that means this semester is almost done. Which means my senior year is pretty much half over. That scares me more than anything else in this world. I have no clue as to what im doing when I graduate. No clue as to what im going to study or even become as an adult. All my life my mom has been pushing me to do good in math. Calling me her last chance to get a kid who might earn a living doing something with math. Oddly enough, I have put some serious thought into this. I FUCKING HATE MATH. I don't want to be some dumb ass engineer for the rest of my life. Yeah, i like playing with legos and shit but that has nothing to do with math. A god damned monkey could play with Legos. I have made a decision. Im not being an engineer.
I want to do something with Music. Over the last couple of months I have really broadened my musical horizon. I have also found out that i enjoy music over anything else. Save a few things. Im not talking about listening to my favorite bands and talking about them with other friends. Im talking about writing music, like classical music. Piano parts and stuff like that. Music is slowly becoming a major part of my life. I would be fine with not being a musician and not be in some amazingly famous band. I just want to do something that has to do with Music. Maybe be a composer, maybe own a recording studio. There are so many possibilities i just dont even know.
And now to start with something thats a little more in the now. If your reading this and know anything about me, you should know who i like. And for the slight chance that you have forgotten its Amber. I've come to the sad reality that nothing is actually going to happen between us. Honestly, I wish i hadn't liked her as much as i have. I really beat myself up over her. No physical abuse or anything like that. Just mental. I got really depressed at times. Like I am now. And its really not all her fault. Well actually its not her fault at all. Im the fucking dumbass who sat around waiting for my time and never really did anything about it. Just waited thinking "eventually shit will go my way." Not realizing that that philosophy is pretty much the stupidest shit out there.
I didn't really want to get on this subject but hey lets do it. Thats just one of that many things i dont like about myself. I just sit around and wait for something to go around my way. Just thinking that everything will just fall into place and go right. I won't lift a fucking finger to get anything real done. Not hoping that it will go right actually believing that nothing could possibly go wrong. And then guess what happens. What ever can go wrong will. Its just fucking stupid. And i've tried to change it but im just not that kind of person. I will forever be this way.
Well that enough of a rant for now. I guess i will let you be.
-Ben