Epithany through Pain
This past week wasn't the best I've had in a while...to think that it would start with a movie and end with a massive stomach virus isn't something that crossed my mind though.
It all started with seeing "Knowing" last Saturday, not my personal choice though. Saw it with a friend and the whole ending messed with me a little bit. I won't give it away but it just piled on to my disillusion about doing what's right no matter the cost. I know movies really shouldn't mess with me like that but it caught me off guard. Now I realize why I like to pick the movies I see in theatres no matter who's with me.
The rest of the week past but I knew something wasn't right. I wasn't really thinking about much except looking at some apartments and the training with the new HD equipment at Oriole Park I've been doing for the past two weeks. Still the stress was just building up more and more. I was just getting pissed off, I mean seriously hating the world and just about everything in it. I couldn't really explain why to anyone. Most of my co-workers noticed I was getting irritated too easily. Then this Thursday came...that's when it hit me, in every sense of the word.
I got off work Wednesday night and I wasn't feeling that good all day. Then midnight struck and my stomach took a turn for the worse. It felt like somebody took a chainsaw to my gut and kept on digging. I couldn't eat anything and drinking anything was a challenge in itself. I couldn't sleep for most of the night and I was bed-ridden nearly all day when I finally woke up. Hell if I moved a little I was nearly driven to tears. I've had splitting headaches, sprained both of my ankles, dealt with wisdom teeth coming in, puking fits, really bad colds and acute bronchitis in the past. Some of that stuff lasted a long time but no matter how sick I've been I was never in this much pain, ever. After I could walk around a little later that night it just hit me...this goddamned date. One year ago was when I saw Candace for the first time in two years after she came back from Florida. The day I thought my life would change for the better and it's turned into this.
That scared the living hell out of me. I never thought I would feel this sick simply because of stress...ever. Realizing that I went from one of the happiest times of my life to feeling like death worn over in one year was very sobering.
This wasn't worth this kind of pain, it just couldn't be. That day should and will remain a happy memory for me, I mean it was two years since I saw her. But her choosing someone else and breaking my heart two months later, the endless line of women that had passed me over or tried to screw me over for whatever reason and all of the other things that have happened since then...pardon my french but FUCK THAT! FUCK ALL OF IT!
This isn't anger or unfocused rage...this is just frustration and, finally, the reason why I need to let it go. I've been letting these thoughts run through me for too long. Actually letting women who didn't think I was worth sticking around and try to make things work get away with what they did. Thinking that there was something so wrong about me for all of this time. I'm not perfect or a saint by any means but I know I was worth a hell of a lot more than they would ever admit to. I've been through enough hell and unneeded drama to break any ex I've ever had and despite all of that, in the face of questioning my faith and the kind of man I am, I'm still a decent person. I've always deserved better than what I got in return, I know this more than ever. Maybe this time I can finally find a woman that's mature, thoughtful and I can trust with my head and my heart with no fear. Someone that's actually worth the pain as well as the good times we could share.
Before I get any flack for an "inflated ego" there's no ego involved in this...this is my head and heart talking. After a year of getting my ass kicked I just know who I am, what I'm worth, where I'm going, what I want to do and who I want to be with me. It's not worth the pain, sorrow and the overall bad attitude I've had since then. I deserve someone that cares deeply for me as I do them without any questions or fears. My past won't rule me because the next person I say those three words to will deserve it.
It all started with seeing "Knowing" last Saturday, not my personal choice though. Saw it with a friend and the whole ending messed with me a little bit. I won't give it away but it just piled on to my disillusion about doing what's right no matter the cost. I know movies really shouldn't mess with me like that but it caught me off guard. Now I realize why I like to pick the movies I see in theatres no matter who's with me.
The rest of the week past but I knew something wasn't right. I wasn't really thinking about much except looking at some apartments and the training with the new HD equipment at Oriole Park I've been doing for the past two weeks. Still the stress was just building up more and more. I was just getting pissed off, I mean seriously hating the world and just about everything in it. I couldn't really explain why to anyone. Most of my co-workers noticed I was getting irritated too easily. Then this Thursday came...that's when it hit me, in every sense of the word.
I got off work Wednesday night and I wasn't feeling that good all day. Then midnight struck and my stomach took a turn for the worse. It felt like somebody took a chainsaw to my gut and kept on digging. I couldn't eat anything and drinking anything was a challenge in itself. I couldn't sleep for most of the night and I was bed-ridden nearly all day when I finally woke up. Hell if I moved a little I was nearly driven to tears. I've had splitting headaches, sprained both of my ankles, dealt with wisdom teeth coming in, puking fits, really bad colds and acute bronchitis in the past. Some of that stuff lasted a long time but no matter how sick I've been I was never in this much pain, ever. After I could walk around a little later that night it just hit me...this goddamned date. One year ago was when I saw Candace for the first time in two years after she came back from Florida. The day I thought my life would change for the better and it's turned into this.
That scared the living hell out of me. I never thought I would feel this sick simply because of stress...ever. Realizing that I went from one of the happiest times of my life to feeling like death worn over in one year was very sobering.
This wasn't worth this kind of pain, it just couldn't be. That day should and will remain a happy memory for me, I mean it was two years since I saw her. But her choosing someone else and breaking my heart two months later, the endless line of women that had passed me over or tried to screw me over for whatever reason and all of the other things that have happened since then...pardon my french but FUCK THAT! FUCK ALL OF IT!
This isn't anger or unfocused rage...this is just frustration and, finally, the reason why I need to let it go. I've been letting these thoughts run through me for too long. Actually letting women who didn't think I was worth sticking around and try to make things work get away with what they did. Thinking that there was something so wrong about me for all of this time. I'm not perfect or a saint by any means but I know I was worth a hell of a lot more than they would ever admit to. I've been through enough hell and unneeded drama to break any ex I've ever had and despite all of that, in the face of questioning my faith and the kind of man I am, I'm still a decent person. I've always deserved better than what I got in return, I know this more than ever. Maybe this time I can finally find a woman that's mature, thoughtful and I can trust with my head and my heart with no fear. Someone that's actually worth the pain as well as the good times we could share.
Before I get any flack for an "inflated ego" there's no ego involved in this...this is my head and heart talking. After a year of getting my ass kicked I just know who I am, what I'm worth, where I'm going, what I want to do and who I want to be with me. It's not worth the pain, sorrow and the overall bad attitude I've had since then. I deserve someone that cares deeply for me as I do them without any questions or fears. My past won't rule me because the next person I say those three words to will deserve it.