Somewhere I Belong
Outside of a few minor things I've been keeping to myself on this forum in the past couple of weeks. Instead of just ranting like a mad man I've been trying to find out just what's been causing all of the anger with me, beyond the events of the past few months that have turned my life on it's head and spun it round and round. Yeah the lack of faith, love and not to mention the little breaks that have gone against me are still a major issue that has bugged the hell out of me. Not to mention the fact that, for reasons not even I can figure out, no one either knows how to help with any of this, which is just frustrating beyond belief. I guess the heart of the matter (by "heart" I mean the twisted and mangled core of the matter) is that life happens to everyone, that's a sick truth I know it doesn't have to be like this.
I know that things can be better, hell I've seen better days than this in the past. For God's sake I had it all at one point. Well almost everything but I still could breathe a little easier. I could talk and actually have a good time with my friends and not be a gigantic pain in the ass. I actually had a longer fuse on me instead of the hair trigger that it's on at the moment. Some people had actually asked me if I ever got angry. My faith in a few things was actually stronger than it ever was before, even in some of the things I still keep private unless I'm asked about it. Then there's one of the last things I even want to talk about anymore on the account of it's about as sensitive as a compound fracture...my faith in, well you know, that four letter L word. Yes it's come to the point where you couldn't get me to say it upon the penalty of death but a while ago...I was not even afraid to say it, after I got the courage to say it after the first time. Now it's a much different story with me, it's almost to the point where I'm just ready to give up on it (much less even say that word again) and there literally isn't one reason not to unless I'm missing something that's staring me in the face.
The frustrating thing with all of these negatives things that are royally screwing me over without a trace of proper lubricant (I'm entitled to one bad joke here) is that I have every reason to just throw my hands up and say to hell with everything. For some reason however I won't just up and become the world's biggest asshole and not give a damn about what I do or who I hurt. Then again it just feels like my conscience is killing me in a weird way. I won't repeat any of the sins and mistakes that screwed things up for me in the first place but nothing I've done has kept the past four months from going down the tubes and making anything better for me right now. It just feels like all of this, everything that's happened, just seems wrong. It's like my life right now just feels and just plain is wrong. I can't settle for this but nothing I've done has made it any better. That's why I just wonder if there's an outside chance of things getting any better. With all due respect to the friends that have actually said this...just going on and living my life, this life is draining all of the spirit, the fight and the heart that I have left in me. The sick thing is I have nothing to show for anything that's happened. It's like I'm just drained everyday and I'm amazed that I can still get up. Don't know how I do it anymore though. All I know is unless something positive happens that can at least validate anything I've done I just don't know if I can even keep the faith anymore.
I know that things can be better, hell I've seen better days than this in the past. For God's sake I had it all at one point. Well almost everything but I still could breathe a little easier. I could talk and actually have a good time with my friends and not be a gigantic pain in the ass. I actually had a longer fuse on me instead of the hair trigger that it's on at the moment. Some people had actually asked me if I ever got angry. My faith in a few things was actually stronger than it ever was before, even in some of the things I still keep private unless I'm asked about it. Then there's one of the last things I even want to talk about anymore on the account of it's about as sensitive as a compound fracture...my faith in, well you know, that four letter L word. Yes it's come to the point where you couldn't get me to say it upon the penalty of death but a while ago...I was not even afraid to say it, after I got the courage to say it after the first time. Now it's a much different story with me, it's almost to the point where I'm just ready to give up on it (much less even say that word again) and there literally isn't one reason not to unless I'm missing something that's staring me in the face.
The frustrating thing with all of these negatives things that are royally screwing me over without a trace of proper lubricant (I'm entitled to one bad joke here) is that I have every reason to just throw my hands up and say to hell with everything. For some reason however I won't just up and become the world's biggest asshole and not give a damn about what I do or who I hurt. Then again it just feels like my conscience is killing me in a weird way. I won't repeat any of the sins and mistakes that screwed things up for me in the first place but nothing I've done has kept the past four months from going down the tubes and making anything better for me right now. It just feels like all of this, everything that's happened, just seems wrong. It's like my life right now just feels and just plain is wrong. I can't settle for this but nothing I've done has made it any better. That's why I just wonder if there's an outside chance of things getting any better. With all due respect to the friends that have actually said this...just going on and living my life, this life is draining all of the spirit, the fight and the heart that I have left in me. The sick thing is I have nothing to show for anything that's happened. It's like I'm just drained everyday and I'm amazed that I can still get up. Don't know how I do it anymore though. All I know is unless something positive happens that can at least validate anything I've done I just don't know if I can even keep the faith anymore.