Willingly Gluing Shut the Eyes
Jinseihadeaitowakarededekiteru...
Life is made of meetings and partings....
We meet new people every time we leave our house, at least. For me, that all started at thirteen. My father kept me sealed in the house, even losing Jiichan and Baachan over it (His-Japanese side granpa and granma). They died in the Hanshin quake that winter. Roof collapsed.
But that aside, my childhood played out like some psychological horror novel. Even my teen years. My mother didn't let me sleep but two hours a night and often came into my room and beat me even then, breaking the locks/makeshift barricades. She just slept with the CPS worker and no one tried to help ever again. I raised my autistic brother until she gave him away. My sister often saw me being beaten and would scream and cry.
She denies all of that now.She was the favourite and that sad excuse is her hero.
My adulthood was only marginally better until recently.
In 2003-4 I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was saved by six patrol cars while being beaten in the speeding car which was stopped in front of the ditch I would've otherwise died in. Came out here to get a fresh start, ended up with a roommate who raped me, then stalked me after I left. Police did nothing as usual (OPD has too many homicides to worry about).
She pretended not to hear that.
She's not the only one to blame me or pretend I'm crazy just to keep a sunny, ladida world view where nothing bad ever happens.
I had a psychologist try to contact my mother and have me sent back to FL. Fortunately, the woderful shelter worker who came with me got him fired almost immediately and I was saved.
At the time, my PTSD was so bad I could hardly form a coherent sentence--even in Japanese. (I had a wonderful counsellour--the head of the Japanese language part of my current clinic take me personally under her wing. It's thanks to her that this post is coherent^_^)
This is a recurring pattern. I don't wanna feel like I hafta hide myself. When I meet someone else from Kohbe and they ask which school I went to, what else am I gonna say? When I meet someone else who has certain parrallels to me, I feel an urge to let them know they're not alone. When someone else was there for part of it, I expect them to at least acknowledge it.
We'd all like to pretend the world is nothing but love, but that isn't true. By denying that bad things happen to innocent people (like a five year old having a sexually abusive father), by gouging out our eyes, we let it continue. I'm NOT the only one. I'm just loud because I know that plugging ears and gouging eyes is the perfect way to let these things continue.
And what the hell else am I gonna do? Should I just pretend everything was normal and LIE--what my parents did for a living? While I'm at it, why don't I just pretend I'm straight and my name is Sarah Jones?
That gets us to the second part of this. A friend and I were discussing yaoi and yuri manga. 98% of them are a violent attack on the living, breathing LGBT population. Here's why.
Yaoi "The bigger one is the man of the relationship and the smaller one is the girl--we know this because of who tops in bed"
Yuri "Everyone is so cute and we'll draw them giggling like little girls. The tougher one has the job and the other is the housewife, but neither are intelligent or say anything meaningful because they're cute stupid girls and they're PURE girls who kiss once the entire series."
Both "their lives are happy and nothing bad ever happens and everyone in the world is gay and no one ever hurts anyone and everything's just a bucket of sunshine!"
Some of you reading this have written stories that I adore that reject these vulgar and demeaning characterisations and I adore you for it. There is also an offical manga I adore called Houroumusuko (wandering son, eng.), which is a coming-of-age story of two friends who are trans and the crushing world around them...but one out of the multitude of LGBT manga I have read and prob the only REAL one Kinokuniya even sells. And they have a wall of yaoi and yuri. (REAL=tell it like it is, btw)
People around here even deny we have problems to my goddamn face. I believe I told of the straight--she admitted as much to my face--classmate who said no one does anything against gay people anymore TO MY FUCKING FACE!!! Teacher quieted us down, but told me not to apologise. The classmate insisted everyone sees gays as equal because "Lady Gaga is bi."
And that's my no. 1 reason for hating Lady Gaga. We've ever only seen her with men. She's just like Tatu--the duo who pretended they were in a same sex relationship to get horny lonely dudes to buy their album. They're both with men and one is a mother by her man.
(I should mention my parter just gave me a quick shoulder rub because she saw me jabbing the life out of my keyboard).
And how we ended up together--each other's biggest ally and defender in a homophobic, racist shelter that for the longest time refused to treat my partner as an actual human because she's trans. YES, SOME EVEN CALLED HER "IT"!!!!
BUT HEY, NO I'M CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL BECAUSE NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENS EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE FUNDIES LOVE GAYS REPUBLICANS LOVE WOMEN AND NON-WHITES AND EVERY PARENT IS THE BEST PARENT EVER WHO LOVES ALL THEIR CHILDREN NO MATTER WHO THE OTHER PARENT WAS OR EVEN IF THEY'RE AUTISTIC AND NO ONE EVER HURTS ANYONE AND WE ALL SING KUMBAYA SO I'M CRAZY AND I NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO NEAR ME!!!!
The shelter lied like hell to try and make that happen too because I called out the head of it on both his homophobia toward my partner and his racism toward me.
My sister chooses to forget who put food on the table and threw away graduating hs to do so b/c her hero was drinking all the money.
I just realised last week during a math test that I don't know how to work with fractions. Gonna try to see the tchr on Mon., but thinking that my problems in maths go beyond being the "lazy poor useless bum who will never get accepted to any uni" that my last room-mate (rich bitch) insisted I was.
Uni is only to look good on paper to increase my chance of stable employment. I'm going into social work, aiming to work w/the young adult/(LGBT) population. I'd like to be a case mgr at a shelter, but any job at a young adult shelter (where I work directly with the clients, so no books or kitchen) would be the best. My goal is to spend my life being the ally to homeless, kicked out/runaway teens I wished I'd had and to get them on a better path than sitting in an empty church parking lot at 4 am alone breaking down or being driven to a ditch---get them right before they know what I did, or be the one who DOES know exactly what they've been through and let them know they're not alone.
But you don't have to have a career in social work to open your eyes and unplug your ears.
Open your eyes and unplug your ears...
That's all you have to do.
Life is made of meetings and partings....
We meet new people every time we leave our house, at least. For me, that all started at thirteen. My father kept me sealed in the house, even losing Jiichan and Baachan over it (His-Japanese side granpa and granma). They died in the Hanshin quake that winter. Roof collapsed.
But that aside, my childhood played out like some psychological horror novel. Even my teen years. My mother didn't let me sleep but two hours a night and often came into my room and beat me even then, breaking the locks/makeshift barricades. She just slept with the CPS worker and no one tried to help ever again. I raised my autistic brother until she gave him away. My sister often saw me being beaten and would scream and cry.
She denies all of that now.She was the favourite and that sad excuse is her hero.
My adulthood was only marginally better until recently.
In 2003-4 I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was saved by six patrol cars while being beaten in the speeding car which was stopped in front of the ditch I would've otherwise died in. Came out here to get a fresh start, ended up with a roommate who raped me, then stalked me after I left. Police did nothing as usual (OPD has too many homicides to worry about).
She pretended not to hear that.
She's not the only one to blame me or pretend I'm crazy just to keep a sunny, ladida world view where nothing bad ever happens.
I had a psychologist try to contact my mother and have me sent back to FL. Fortunately, the woderful shelter worker who came with me got him fired almost immediately and I was saved.
At the time, my PTSD was so bad I could hardly form a coherent sentence--even in Japanese. (I had a wonderful counsellour--the head of the Japanese language part of my current clinic take me personally under her wing. It's thanks to her that this post is coherent^_^)
This is a recurring pattern. I don't wanna feel like I hafta hide myself. When I meet someone else from Kohbe and they ask which school I went to, what else am I gonna say? When I meet someone else who has certain parrallels to me, I feel an urge to let them know they're not alone. When someone else was there for part of it, I expect them to at least acknowledge it.
We'd all like to pretend the world is nothing but love, but that isn't true. By denying that bad things happen to innocent people (like a five year old having a sexually abusive father), by gouging out our eyes, we let it continue. I'm NOT the only one. I'm just loud because I know that plugging ears and gouging eyes is the perfect way to let these things continue.
And what the hell else am I gonna do? Should I just pretend everything was normal and LIE--what my parents did for a living? While I'm at it, why don't I just pretend I'm straight and my name is Sarah Jones?
That gets us to the second part of this. A friend and I were discussing yaoi and yuri manga. 98% of them are a violent attack on the living, breathing LGBT population. Here's why.
Yaoi "The bigger one is the man of the relationship and the smaller one is the girl--we know this because of who tops in bed"
Yuri "Everyone is so cute and we'll draw them giggling like little girls. The tougher one has the job and the other is the housewife, but neither are intelligent or say anything meaningful because they're cute stupid girls and they're PURE girls who kiss once the entire series."
Both "their lives are happy and nothing bad ever happens and everyone in the world is gay and no one ever hurts anyone and everything's just a bucket of sunshine!"
Some of you reading this have written stories that I adore that reject these vulgar and demeaning characterisations and I adore you for it. There is also an offical manga I adore called Houroumusuko (wandering son, eng.), which is a coming-of-age story of two friends who are trans and the crushing world around them...but one out of the multitude of LGBT manga I have read and prob the only REAL one Kinokuniya even sells. And they have a wall of yaoi and yuri. (REAL=tell it like it is, btw)
People around here even deny we have problems to my goddamn face. I believe I told of the straight--she admitted as much to my face--classmate who said no one does anything against gay people anymore TO MY FUCKING FACE!!! Teacher quieted us down, but told me not to apologise. The classmate insisted everyone sees gays as equal because "Lady Gaga is bi."
And that's my no. 1 reason for hating Lady Gaga. We've ever only seen her with men. She's just like Tatu--the duo who pretended they were in a same sex relationship to get horny lonely dudes to buy their album. They're both with men and one is a mother by her man.
(I should mention my parter just gave me a quick shoulder rub because she saw me jabbing the life out of my keyboard).
And how we ended up together--each other's biggest ally and defender in a homophobic, racist shelter that for the longest time refused to treat my partner as an actual human because she's trans. YES, SOME EVEN CALLED HER "IT"!!!!
BUT HEY, NO I'M CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL BECAUSE NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENS EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE FUNDIES LOVE GAYS REPUBLICANS LOVE WOMEN AND NON-WHITES AND EVERY PARENT IS THE BEST PARENT EVER WHO LOVES ALL THEIR CHILDREN NO MATTER WHO THE OTHER PARENT WAS OR EVEN IF THEY'RE AUTISTIC AND NO ONE EVER HURTS ANYONE AND WE ALL SING KUMBAYA SO I'M CRAZY AND I NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO NEAR ME!!!!
The shelter lied like hell to try and make that happen too because I called out the head of it on both his homophobia toward my partner and his racism toward me.
My sister chooses to forget who put food on the table and threw away graduating hs to do so b/c her hero was drinking all the money.
I just realised last week during a math test that I don't know how to work with fractions. Gonna try to see the tchr on Mon., but thinking that my problems in maths go beyond being the "lazy poor useless bum who will never get accepted to any uni" that my last room-mate (rich bitch) insisted I was.
Uni is only to look good on paper to increase my chance of stable employment. I'm going into social work, aiming to work w/the young adult/(LGBT) population. I'd like to be a case mgr at a shelter, but any job at a young adult shelter (where I work directly with the clients, so no books or kitchen) would be the best. My goal is to spend my life being the ally to homeless, kicked out/runaway teens I wished I'd had and to get them on a better path than sitting in an empty church parking lot at 4 am alone breaking down or being driven to a ditch---get them right before they know what I did, or be the one who DOES know exactly what they've been through and let them know they're not alone.
But you don't have to have a career in social work to open your eyes and unplug your ears.
Open your eyes and unplug your ears...
That's all you have to do.