Stupid Cupid
Title: Stupid Cupid.
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen.
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
rating: 15/R
Genre: Crack!Fic
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: Not mine, I'm just using them for my own (non profit making) ends.
A/N: I wrote this ages ago but for some reason never posted it until now.
Summary: Ianto Jones hated Valentines Day...
Ianto Jones hated Valentines Day. As a boy it had been a day of humiliation and ridicule, as a man it hadn’t been much better. His first with Lisa had started with her laughing at him and ended in hysterics. His first with Jack had started with trepidation and ended in tears (All be it Jack’s and not his), their second with regrets and recriminations. This would be the third and Ianto Jones didn’t believe in luck.
He sat up in bed and stretched, his eyes narrowing as he spied the red envelope on his bedside table. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands, unable to shake the feeling that opening it would be like opening the proverbial can of worms.
Telling himself that he was being ridiculous he picked open the envelope and pulled out the card.
Impressive.
Jack had outdone himself with this one. The card was simple, yet meaningful and the message inside was neither sappy drivel nor resigned conformity.
To Ianto
Thank you.
J x
Maybe this year it would be OK.
Wrong.
The first inclination Ianto got that something was amiss was when he walked into his kitchen.
“Morning” He said absently, noticing Jack was there. However, he was half way across the room before he registered what Jack was doing.
He stopped dead in his tracks and stared. Jack was standing at the sink, sleeved rolled up to his elbows, doing the washing up!
“Urm, Jack. Are you OK?” He said slowly.
Jack turned and looked at him.
“I’m fine.” He said with a small shrug “I’ll be finished in a minute, you sit down”
Ianto frowned and turned toward the table, getting his second shock of the morning.
The table in front of him looked like a hotel breakfast bar. Jack had set the table for two and between them set out every breakfast treat imaginable.
Ever the practical man, Ianto’s first thought was that they were never going to eat all that. His second was a resounding what the fuck?
“I thought I said sit!” Jack said, appearing behind him and guiding him into his seat.
Ianto let himself be lead, thinking that maybe he’d drifted back to sleep and this was all some sort of weird dream.
After breakfast things only got weirder. Once they’d got to the Hub, Jack had whisked Gwen away on a ’mission’ that saw the woman return looking nothing short of traumatised.
“Next time Jack asks me to help him out. Remind me to say no!” She said, eyes wide.
Ianto squeezed her shoulder and made her a drink.
“You want to tell me about it?” He asked, sitting beside her on the Hub sofa.
Gwen took a deep breath and looked at him for a moment before speaking.
“I-” She began “No. No I think I need some retcon. Oh god Ianto, I need some bloody retcon!”
She jumped up from the sofa and ran down into the autopsy bay.
“It’s just a couple of hours, that’s all I need!” She said before throwing the pill down her throat.
Ianto just made it down the stairs before Gwen passed out. Sighing he hoised her over his shoulder and carried her back to the sofa.
“What happened to her?” Jack’s voice sounded from his office doorway.
“You” Ianto replied as he folded his suit jacket under her head.
Jack looked confused.
“Oh Kay. Ianto, when you’re done there we need some supplies. I left a list on your desk”
Jack blew him a kiss and retreated back into his office.
Oh God.
When Ianto got to his desk and found the list he was horrified. The list itself was innocuous enough, mainly sundry equipment and food. It was the hearts above all the I’s that concerned him as well as the whole thing being written in pink glittery ink.
Fuck.
By lunchtime Ianto had given up on concern and opted for plain terror. The little gestures from Jack had gone from sweet to just plain scary. The chocolates had been nice and the flowers were thoughtful if a little un Jack like, but then had come the poems and the notes until finally Ianto had found the thing sat on his desk.
Picking it up with some tongs he headed downstairs.
Gwen had awoken from her retcon induced slumber to be presented with Ianto and a gruesome pink and red teddy bear with heart shaped eyes hanging from some tongs.
“Ianto? What happened and what the hell is that?”
“I’ll explain later. Just help me get this into the lab!” He whispered.
“Where’s Jack?” Gwen asked, rubbing a hand over her face.
“In the hothouse, shush” Ianto said, putting a finger to his lips.
He looked up to see Jack chatting merrily to a puce leaved plant.
“I think there’s something wrong with him”
“Why?”
Ianto waved the bear at her by means of an answer.
“I don’t understand”
“He bought me this. I want to get it tested.”
“That’s…nice?” She said, a fake smile plastered on her face.
“It’s hideous”
“Oh yeah”
“Ianto?” Jack called “Ianto my little Welshcake? Where are you?”
He dropped the bear in shock.
“I love you Ianto!” The bear said in Jacks voice as it hit the floor.
Gwen and Ianto both screamed in unison and ran.
Ianto took refuge in the armoury. He’d backed himself into the far wall and was currently clinging to an M60 for dear life.
“Ianto! Ianto!?” Gwen’s hushed voice floated in from outside.
“In here!” He replied.
The door opened and Gwen crawled through. She scuttled over to him, her eyes on the gun.
“What the hell have you got that thing for?” She asked
“Protection.” He said, stroking the barrel.
“What from, an elephant?” She boggled.
“No, just my insane lover!” He said, rocking back and forth slightly.
“It’s not that bad Ianto, he’s just gone a little over the top that’s all” She said, gripping his shoulder just a bit too tightly.
“Where is he now?” Ianto asked.
“Pacing up and down in his office talking to himself” She replied.
Ianto looked at her in astonishment.
“And you think that’s not crazy?”
Gwen bit her lip and looked away.
“Gwen” Ianto asked slowly “What aren’t you telling me.”
Gwen’s shoulders slumped.
“Gwen…” Ianto warned.
Gwen took a deep breath and turned to Ianto, looking him in the eye.
“Ianto Jones. Our illustrious leader, Captain Jack Harkness, is going to ask you to marry him”
All the colour drained from Ianto’s face and his eye were like saucers.
“What!?”
Gwen shrugged.
Ianto banged his head on the wall.
“OK help me up with this thing” He said gesturing toward the gun.
“Ianto, we can not shoot him”
“Well what else do we do? We can‘t leave him like that!”
“I think I might be able to help you” A voice said.
Gwen and Ianto were both on there feet in an instant, looking about them for the intruder.
“Say I believe in fairies” The voice said
“Huh?” Gwen said blinking. Ianto opted for a guttural growl and glowered.
“Oh for goodness sake just say it, I haven’t got all night!”
“I believe in fairies” The said in unison.
“Finally. Thank you”
Gwen and Ianto found themselves staring at the most angelic baby either of them had ever seen. It hovered in front of them on its tiny wings, it’s arms folded across its chest.
“You two done staring? Geez, anyone’s think you’d never seen a Cherub before!” It said, pouting slightly.
Ianto recovered himself enough to ask it a question.
“You said you might be able to help us?” He said.
“Yes, well it seems the administration department made a slight clerical error” It said, fishing in it’s loincloth for a small notebook.
“It seems the Pseudonym database got corrupted and interspersed with the standard list and your partner received a larger than recommended dose”
“Hang on, Pseudonyms, databases, doses? What the hell is happening, none of this makes any sense!” Gwen said, scratching her head in confusion.
The cherub rolled it eyes.
“What do you think is happening? It’s valentines day. You never heard of cupids arrow?” The cherub pulled an arrow from the quiver on it’s back and waved it in Gwen’s face.
“So you shot Jack with one of those.”
The cherub nodded before adding.
“Sixty nine actually. Got a lot of names that man of yours.”
“So what are you going to do about it?” Ianto asked, trying to move the conversation on.
The cherub pulled out an evil looking jet black arrow.
“All I have to do is shoot him with this.” It said “I’ve been trying all day but the bugger just wont stay still long enough for me to line up the shot”
Gwen narrowed her eyes and tapped her lip.
“I think I have an idea…”
Ianto walked up to Jacks office, coffee mug in hand. If this failed, Gwen was a dead woman.
“Jack?” He said, his voice squeaking slightly.
“Ianto” Jack breathed, looking at him longingly.
Ianto fought not to roll his eyes and slowly walked into the room.
“I bought you a coffee”
Jack strode over to him and held their hands around the mug before gently taking it from Ianto’s hand and putting it on the desk.
Ianto moved forward a few more steps.
“Ianto” Jack said, turning suddenly and advancing on him.
Ianto silently counted to ten, fighting the instinct to run as far as fast as he could.
Jack locked eyes with him and grasped his hands.
Ianto began to plan Gwen’s death.
Jack got down on one knee.
Shooting, Poison maybe?
“I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time”
Strangulation?
“I know I’ve not been the best of partners”
Suffocation?
“But I think I’m getting better and I know I’ll keep on trying”
Jack’s cooking?
“So, Ianto Jones, will you do me the honour of m-”
Jacks eyes crossed and he fell forward, head butting Ianto in the groin on the way down.
There was a delighted whoop from the cherub and a curse from Ianto who fell into a heap beside Jack.
“I fucking HATE valentines day.”
As a precautionary measure they took Jack down to the cells and waited for him to wake up.
“Urgh. What happened? I feel like an elephant died in my brain”
“Well, he’s awake now. Suppose we can leave him”
“Yup” Gwen said, taking the proffered arm and waving at Jack.
“What!? Wait, you can’t just leave me down here! What‘s going on? Gwen, Ianto?…IANTO. Someone at least tell me why there’s a £20,000 wedding ring in my pocket?”
“£20,000” Gwen and Ianto mouthed.
“OK, you distract him. I’ll get the chloroform!”
.