Tired....
I'm tired...
Backstory:
For the past 3 years I have been letting my so called best friends use me. It feels good to finnaly admit it to myself. If I wasn't at work I was spending most of my free time with these guys, completly neglecting my boyfriend at home (where I should have been). I met Dale about 3 years ago through work, he begged me to hang out, I was worried because he was younger than me, him 17 and me 24, just didn't seem right, not that there was anything sexual because I have a boyfriend and he is straight, but I was just worried we wouldn't have things in common. Finally one night I happened to be driving past his house dropping a coworker off and him and his brother (Michael) chased me down, so we stood around in his drivway talking forever, we all have an undescribable sense of humor, immature and dark, I don't even know, but after that night I knew we were all going to be great friends. I met every single friend I have now (only one of which i still talk to) through them. --
Something about me before I go any further... When I was younger and in school I had no friends, well I should say 1 friend, before we grew aprt and he moved away, but for the most part I was always a loner, I was extremly shy, backwards and quiet, I got picked on and bullied alot in school, I was afraid to leave my house most of the time because I kept getting beat up and/or chased whenever I did, can I blame them they had to fit in with there friends and the easy way to do it was to pick on me... Anyway I have grown into this person that is so desprate to have a friend that it made me blind to the fact that I was being used. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend of 5 years and I are friends but we don't "hang out" per say, I mean we do things together but not like friendship stuff... anyway I feel pretty pathetic for admitting this but I feel like I need to be honest, for myself.
-- So now I have these super cool friends that I adore spending time with because we constantly have fun (mostly at my expense) and we're always laughing and doing things. Slowly I begin to be "the ride" as Dale's licence is suspended (we got pulled over in Clayton, Oh doing 98 in a 50 racing one of dales friends) and also as Michael never worked and spent most of his days in his parents basement, I would usually pick up the tab on his food. I was just trying to be nice but I eneded up training them to use me I guess because everytime we did something it was on me usually. Well when they finnaly figured out that i was gay they had already gotten to know me enough that they wwere ok with it, they both admitted to me that before they found out they were afraid of gay people, anyhow, one night I took them to Club Masque in Dayton, Oh. I wasn't sure how they would react but they actually ended up liking the 2nd floor because we always dance and act crazy. After sevral times at the club they began getting comfortable, in a joking manner they actually began to flirt with one guy who ended up trying to kiss and grind on them, I ended up saving them, and this still didn't open there eyes, I tried to explain to them that if they acted like that that anything could happen, they laughed when i told them they could be coaxed into doing something they didn't want to or raped or any number of bad things, I am still a firm beliver in this, even though nothing has happned yet. I guess you have to understand that Dale is the opposite of me, he has never met a stranger and doesn't see the danger in life. Dale and I feed off of eachother when we are together, since we are so opposite we challenge eachother, who can be more outragious or extreme, it was like when we are together I am not shy, I become the outspoken one, I do all the extreme stuff, say and do the things that I normally wouldn't and with them being younger it gave me a chance to act immature, cheap laughs I guess but I dunno. Anyway we had a mutual friend through a friend who was gay and we decided to go to Masque with him, at this point it was causing problems, his girlfriend didn't like him going, and I was leaving mine sitting at home, ebcause clubs are just not his thing, he doesn't like to dance and doesn't drink so he sits or holds up the wall the whole time, I love to dance, but like I said I'm shy, I will never go out on the dancefloor alone, and liek I said when I was with Dale and Michael I could find the courage to go out and dance.
Soooooooooooooooo heres the current situation, I just bought a new car, it's a semi-tricked out 05 scion Xb and it HAD 36K miles when I got it, custom rims, billet grill, DVD player flip out screen on the roof the works. I of course got it financed, and I was actually suprise dI even got it, as I don't have much credit history. But somehow I did, I worked as many hours as I could to try to get up the money for the down payment plus pay my current bills, I got 55 hours 2 weeks in a row, and even with all that I still didn't make it, I went in the hole, and still havent fully recovered, but even with no money for gas I went ahead and maxed out my credit card, on a saturday night, to drive all they way to indy to get michael and then all the way back to dayton to get to the club, and then pay for them to get in and myself. I didn't have the money to do any of this, at this point I am pretty stressed, I havent slept much in the last 2 weeks, I'm in financial trouble, and all this time out with friends is stressing my relationship at home. I had to work the next morning so I told the guys that we had to leave early, so at 1:30am I let them know I was ready, yes we were having a good time, but I knew I needed to get, they went back out on the dance floor and kept waving me out so I came back danced for 30 min and told them we needed to go, they act like they don't hear me. So I jump down get some water and come back they are gone, so I finnaly find them downstairs dancing and I tell them again we got to gothey just keep dancing, at this point I'm tired so I go sit down, over the next hour I text them 5 times telling them we need to leave. at 3:30am I am pissed, they are up dancign on the stage, I jump up on the stage and tell them I am leaving and if they want a ride back to Richmond, IN they better come now. They both act liek they are pissed, we get in my car, and I'm like look I'm sorry to be shitty about it but I told you guys I have to work in the morning, before I can finish my sentance I hear "shut up" ..... "check and mate". I am slam on my break s not out of the parking lot and get out of my car furious and open the rear passenger door, as they are both in the back seat. It happens to be Dales side, I open the door and ask him, "Did you just tell em to shut up?", to which no one will say anything, so I get back in, as soon as we get out of the parking lot Michael starts in, telling me that i flipped out on them and "tried to fight" dale in the parking lot, I'm pretty sure all I was going to do was kick him out of my car but whatever, so I'm like no sorry but i wasn't trying to fight I didn't mean to flip out but I am tired and under alot of stress and I just think it's kind of selfish for you guys not to wanna leave the club, to which they say that they didn't hear me the 50 times i told them or the 5 texts I sent. So anyway the whole time this is goign on we Michael is flipping his knife in and out, i guess I was supposed to be scared, I was a little worried he would mess up my brand new car interior like slash it or something, anyway he continues to tell me that he's not my friend because I flipped out on him and that I am a douch bag to them all the time and I'm not a real friend, etc. Let's just say the hour drive home seemed liek forever, I tried to explain that if someone is your friend you don't just drop them because they yelled at you for not wanting to leave the club, and he said obviously I didn't know him because he drops people for less than that... So it's whatever I just try to keep my mouth shut because I don't want my car to get skrewed up. They tell me to drop them off at walmart and that is the last time I talk to them. I was actually pretty ashamed of them that night as well. I have always like dancing at gay clubs because no one ever gave me trouble or made fun of me, but it seems as though "my friends" had gotten so comfortable going it was now cool to them to make fun of the gay guys dancing and anyone that they could make fun of, which is NOT cool with me. I felt like I let lions into the rabbit cage, because i was the one that introduced them to going out, and now it's like they are going to make fun of gay people, which was also part of my reason for lashing out at them that night.
It's been 6 weeks, and Michael has since tried to appologize via myspace message telling me to print it out because his appoligies are rare. I just told him I didn't wanna talk right now because I wan't to take care of all the stress issues in my life so no one has to "tolerate" me (because in the car he said they have just been tolerating me for 3 years). I think sometimes when people get mad there true feelings come out, and it really opened my eyes to how much I've been used, these guys that I thought had my back through thick and thin, it turns out I didn't even know them. The latest thing was that I had to delete my profile due to work, when I recreated it I added them back as friends, Dale never accepted the invite, and Michael did but then deleted me a couple days later. So I get a message from dale that says he wasnts to be on my myspace friends list again but he doesn't wanna be at #8, he wants to be 1 and michael to be 2, I explained to him I have the box checked that randomizez your top friends list (I really had no idea they were this shallow) he said that the only reason Michael accepted my friends request was to see wher eI would put him. Anyway I asked him what he was doing that night and he blew me off, and I kinda thought they wanted to make up, but I realize something now. I don't.
Feels good to get that all off my chest... I learned a lesson, I need to stop being pathetic and doing anything just to have a friend, it's to late to make up for my childhood now, and if I am meant to have friends they will come to me, and no ammount of money or favors is going to win someone into being a 'true' friend.
Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I was born 10 years later, maybe I would have fit in more at school, and things would have been so diffrent... or maybe they would have been the same... who knows... At any rate it's bed time...
Livejournal seems so safe to me, because none of them know Richtor Darkbane, they only know thomas2lame, maybe it's time to leave thomas2lame alone for a while, see where life takes me.
(ughg I will spell check this later)
Gnite,
-Just Thomas.
Backstory:
For the past 3 years I have been letting my so called best friends use me. It feels good to finnaly admit it to myself. If I wasn't at work I was spending most of my free time with these guys, completly neglecting my boyfriend at home (where I should have been). I met Dale about 3 years ago through work, he begged me to hang out, I was worried because he was younger than me, him 17 and me 24, just didn't seem right, not that there was anything sexual because I have a boyfriend and he is straight, but I was just worried we wouldn't have things in common. Finally one night I happened to be driving past his house dropping a coworker off and him and his brother (Michael) chased me down, so we stood around in his drivway talking forever, we all have an undescribable sense of humor, immature and dark, I don't even know, but after that night I knew we were all going to be great friends. I met every single friend I have now (only one of which i still talk to) through them. --
Something about me before I go any further... When I was younger and in school I had no friends, well I should say 1 friend, before we grew aprt and he moved away, but for the most part I was always a loner, I was extremly shy, backwards and quiet, I got picked on and bullied alot in school, I was afraid to leave my house most of the time because I kept getting beat up and/or chased whenever I did, can I blame them they had to fit in with there friends and the easy way to do it was to pick on me... Anyway I have grown into this person that is so desprate to have a friend that it made me blind to the fact that I was being used. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend of 5 years and I are friends but we don't "hang out" per say, I mean we do things together but not like friendship stuff... anyway I feel pretty pathetic for admitting this but I feel like I need to be honest, for myself.
-- So now I have these super cool friends that I adore spending time with because we constantly have fun (mostly at my expense) and we're always laughing and doing things. Slowly I begin to be "the ride" as Dale's licence is suspended (we got pulled over in Clayton, Oh doing 98 in a 50 racing one of dales friends) and also as Michael never worked and spent most of his days in his parents basement, I would usually pick up the tab on his food. I was just trying to be nice but I eneded up training them to use me I guess because everytime we did something it was on me usually. Well when they finnaly figured out that i was gay they had already gotten to know me enough that they wwere ok with it, they both admitted to me that before they found out they were afraid of gay people, anyhow, one night I took them to Club Masque in Dayton, Oh. I wasn't sure how they would react but they actually ended up liking the 2nd floor because we always dance and act crazy. After sevral times at the club they began getting comfortable, in a joking manner they actually began to flirt with one guy who ended up trying to kiss and grind on them, I ended up saving them, and this still didn't open there eyes, I tried to explain to them that if they acted like that that anything could happen, they laughed when i told them they could be coaxed into doing something they didn't want to or raped or any number of bad things, I am still a firm beliver in this, even though nothing has happned yet. I guess you have to understand that Dale is the opposite of me, he has never met a stranger and doesn't see the danger in life. Dale and I feed off of eachother when we are together, since we are so opposite we challenge eachother, who can be more outragious or extreme, it was like when we are together I am not shy, I become the outspoken one, I do all the extreme stuff, say and do the things that I normally wouldn't and with them being younger it gave me a chance to act immature, cheap laughs I guess but I dunno. Anyway we had a mutual friend through a friend who was gay and we decided to go to Masque with him, at this point it was causing problems, his girlfriend didn't like him going, and I was leaving mine sitting at home, ebcause clubs are just not his thing, he doesn't like to dance and doesn't drink so he sits or holds up the wall the whole time, I love to dance, but like I said I'm shy, I will never go out on the dancefloor alone, and liek I said when I was with Dale and Michael I could find the courage to go out and dance.
Soooooooooooooooo heres the current situation, I just bought a new car, it's a semi-tricked out 05 scion Xb and it HAD 36K miles when I got it, custom rims, billet grill, DVD player flip out screen on the roof the works. I of course got it financed, and I was actually suprise dI even got it, as I don't have much credit history. But somehow I did, I worked as many hours as I could to try to get up the money for the down payment plus pay my current bills, I got 55 hours 2 weeks in a row, and even with all that I still didn't make it, I went in the hole, and still havent fully recovered, but even with no money for gas I went ahead and maxed out my credit card, on a saturday night, to drive all they way to indy to get michael and then all the way back to dayton to get to the club, and then pay for them to get in and myself. I didn't have the money to do any of this, at this point I am pretty stressed, I havent slept much in the last 2 weeks, I'm in financial trouble, and all this time out with friends is stressing my relationship at home. I had to work the next morning so I told the guys that we had to leave early, so at 1:30am I let them know I was ready, yes we were having a good time, but I knew I needed to get, they went back out on the dance floor and kept waving me out so I came back danced for 30 min and told them we needed to go, they act like they don't hear me. So I jump down get some water and come back they are gone, so I finnaly find them downstairs dancing and I tell them again we got to gothey just keep dancing, at this point I'm tired so I go sit down, over the next hour I text them 5 times telling them we need to leave. at 3:30am I am pissed, they are up dancign on the stage, I jump up on the stage and tell them I am leaving and if they want a ride back to Richmond, IN they better come now. They both act liek they are pissed, we get in my car, and I'm like look I'm sorry to be shitty about it but I told you guys I have to work in the morning, before I can finish my sentance I hear "shut up" ..... "check and mate". I am slam on my break s not out of the parking lot and get out of my car furious and open the rear passenger door, as they are both in the back seat. It happens to be Dales side, I open the door and ask him, "Did you just tell em to shut up?", to which no one will say anything, so I get back in, as soon as we get out of the parking lot Michael starts in, telling me that i flipped out on them and "tried to fight" dale in the parking lot, I'm pretty sure all I was going to do was kick him out of my car but whatever, so I'm like no sorry but i wasn't trying to fight I didn't mean to flip out but I am tired and under alot of stress and I just think it's kind of selfish for you guys not to wanna leave the club, to which they say that they didn't hear me the 50 times i told them or the 5 texts I sent. So anyway the whole time this is goign on we Michael is flipping his knife in and out, i guess I was supposed to be scared, I was a little worried he would mess up my brand new car interior like slash it or something, anyway he continues to tell me that he's not my friend because I flipped out on him and that I am a douch bag to them all the time and I'm not a real friend, etc. Let's just say the hour drive home seemed liek forever, I tried to explain that if someone is your friend you don't just drop them because they yelled at you for not wanting to leave the club, and he said obviously I didn't know him because he drops people for less than that... So it's whatever I just try to keep my mouth shut because I don't want my car to get skrewed up. They tell me to drop them off at walmart and that is the last time I talk to them. I was actually pretty ashamed of them that night as well. I have always like dancing at gay clubs because no one ever gave me trouble or made fun of me, but it seems as though "my friends" had gotten so comfortable going it was now cool to them to make fun of the gay guys dancing and anyone that they could make fun of, which is NOT cool with me. I felt like I let lions into the rabbit cage, because i was the one that introduced them to going out, and now it's like they are going to make fun of gay people, which was also part of my reason for lashing out at them that night.
It's been 6 weeks, and Michael has since tried to appologize via myspace message telling me to print it out because his appoligies are rare. I just told him I didn't wanna talk right now because I wan't to take care of all the stress issues in my life so no one has to "tolerate" me (because in the car he said they have just been tolerating me for 3 years). I think sometimes when people get mad there true feelings come out, and it really opened my eyes to how much I've been used, these guys that I thought had my back through thick and thin, it turns out I didn't even know them. The latest thing was that I had to delete my profile due to work, when I recreated it I added them back as friends, Dale never accepted the invite, and Michael did but then deleted me a couple days later. So I get a message from dale that says he wasnts to be on my myspace friends list again but he doesn't wanna be at #8, he wants to be 1 and michael to be 2, I explained to him I have the box checked that randomizez your top friends list (I really had no idea they were this shallow) he said that the only reason Michael accepted my friends request was to see wher eI would put him. Anyway I asked him what he was doing that night and he blew me off, and I kinda thought they wanted to make up, but I realize something now. I don't.
Feels good to get that all off my chest... I learned a lesson, I need to stop being pathetic and doing anything just to have a friend, it's to late to make up for my childhood now, and if I am meant to have friends they will come to me, and no ammount of money or favors is going to win someone into being a 'true' friend.
Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I was born 10 years later, maybe I would have fit in more at school, and things would have been so diffrent... or maybe they would have been the same... who knows... At any rate it's bed time...
Livejournal seems so safe to me, because none of them know Richtor Darkbane, they only know thomas2lame, maybe it's time to leave thomas2lame alone for a while, see where life takes me.
(ughg I will spell check this later)
Gnite,
-Just Thomas.