halcyon days

[richiedaggers]

its been almost a year. i, for some reason, feel compelled to write. i dont talk to many of you anymore, most of you probably dont even consider me a friend anymore. yet morality pushes my fingers tonight and the thoughts just burn me. maybe i miss this. maybe i miss those days that these journal entries were for me. maybe i just miss the people on the other side. i dont know. ive never really wrote honestly in this journal. maybe i felt like too many people would read it. not to say that what ive wrote hasnt been honest, in fact, its all been very honest; its just that the nature of my honesty was different. i chose to expose my fleeting thoughts, my obscure and often jumbled visions and scrambled but sensible, in my mind at least, ideas and emotions. now i feel that i can get away with some more "realistic" honesty. honestly im at a loss. my life. my love. my days and nights. is it wrong to question them? nothing is the same as it was in my youth. of course it isnt for any of us. yet for me three years has done so much. has it been three? i dont know. sometimes it seems like i question my very faith, my existence, my own strength. i feel attacked. why do i even write here? ive done many things in the past im not proud of. are these things coming to haunt me? am i punished? forgive me for wrongs i may have done to any that read this. i just need an outlet. sometimes i feel so swallowed up. i never used to. whatever happened? i dont know. please please. let me be at peace.

"True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings;
Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings." - Shakespeare