another day another dollar
so yeah, another day at work is finally completed. i love my job, but working there 3 days in a row till 430 am really gets old. its okay tho, i found a 100 dollars on the ground yesterday...that makes up for a shitty work week :)
on the way home i was reminded about something my buddy (who i dont talk to anymore) said to me one time. He knew me and my girl were breaking up, and he said, "you know, i dont mean to make you feel worse, but i know your gonna start writing when this happens, and i'd love to read it." It seems that i never really write unless im under some kind of emotional distress. why is that? i mean, during the good times, i think of all these wonderful things i should put down here, but i never find the time to do that...but when things are shitty as fuck, i look forward to coming home and putting my thoughts in some tangible form. i dunno. its like i really want to put down how i really feel, but i know my ex reads this, and i dont want to hurt her. i know its not her fault, and she shouldnt feel bad, but she still has feelings for me and i think my real feelings will cause her pain, simply because she knows im hurting.
i still cant stop thinking about her. like 24/7. i wake up after sleeping for two hours just to check her fucking away message. i cant go to bed till like 8 o clock in the morning cuz i know shes in bed with him, and its like if i wait up as long as i can, then not only 1) will i be able to fall asleep easier, but 2) i know they arnt fuckin around. isnt that perverse? i mean we were together for 2.5 years, and if i must say so, we had an awesome sexual relationship. i know how she is, i know how she acts, and i know what she does, and i keep on imagining her doing these things with this guy, and its fucking killing me. i wish i could make these images and thoughts stop flowing through my head, but they wont. they come at all times. fucking the stupidest things will fuckin remind me of shit we did, and then "HI! HOW ARE YA! THIS IS AN IMAGE OF HER AND HIM IN YOUR HEAD! HOPE IT MAKES YOUR STOMACH TURN AND YOUR HEART STOP!" hits me with a fuckin broadside straight into my frontal lobe.
i dunno...its like we talked for two hours yesterday, and it was a good convo. i know she still has feelings for me, and she knows i have feelings for her. but at the same time we know that things arent right for us right now. we've been techinically broken up for about 3 months now (even though we saw each other twice towards the end of september). we should be moving on. its just that she works a 7-4 job, lives on a college campus, and has a shit ton of friends to go party with. (not to mention shes unbelievably hot and gets a shit ton of fucking attention from guys.) I on the other hand live at home, in a suburb, go to law school four days a week (where i study), then work thursday friday and saturday night till 430am. (and i refuse to date or hook up with bar skanks) i dont have time to get over her. instead i get stuck workin the door for 5 hours at a fuckin time, bored off my ass, knowing that she is out with this guy partying, getting drunk, and most likely going home with him. sigh.
god. looking back at this im such a fucking whiner. if i was reading this and i didnt know the person that wrote it i would be like, "what a fucking pussy. man up, move on, quit yer bitchin." but i hope anyone who reads this doesnt think that. im just an average guy, who's in love with someone he cant be with, who works and goes to school and can't party and meet chics.
okay. so im a fucking pussy, and i need to man up, move on, and quit my bitchin.
but HEY this is an online journal. i can be a bitch if i want...so NYAH!
so i apologize for my pussiness. i know that this journal is going to be filled with invective, sob stories, and emotional feelings of mine. its just how i feel. and to prolong this bitch fest, the reason im doing it all here is because i dont have anyone else to do it to. most guys dont understand because they refer me to the "what a fucking pussy" quote listed above. My ex was my best friend. and now shes gone. i wish we could still talk and act like friends but i dont think we are strong enough for that. i know im not. we would talk everyday, a million times a day, and this went on for 2.5 years! we never stopped talking. and now when i want to call her to tell her some small, inane thing, i cant. because the second i hear her voice i think of how we aint together, and how we're not getting back together and i think of this fucking guy. i wish i was strong enough to actually not think about this, or get over it. she is really a great friend and has helped me through so much but after we talk my missing her and my hurt gets worse, not better. i mean, as it is now i check her fucking away message a million times a day. its like my loss is twofold. not only did i lose my girlfriend, but also my bestfriend. so now, im stuck at home, going to school, going to work, and a considerable part of my life is gone. it sucks.
i was also thinking tonight about, "would i take her back?" a couple of days ago, as i was picking my mom up from work she gave me some advice. She said, "rich, if you truly love her, and if you want her, go after her. chase after her. dont give up on it." i know i love her and i know i want her, but i dont know if we are right for each other. its like she is two shades from perfect. and by shades i mean how sky blue is different from royal blue, maybe not even that big of a distinction. but she is totally perfect in most ways, she did sweet things for me, had a great personality, killer looks, awesome in bed; but something just didnt work out. i dont know what it was.
still, tonight i asked myself the question if i could have her back would i? do i think we should get back together. no. its like my head tells me something is slightly wrong, and i need to go out, date, and try to determine if she is the one for me. but my heart hurts so fucking much right now, i would almost do anything to stop the pain. i would almost take her back just to keep her from being with anyone else (not to mention im head over heals for this girl) but at the same time, shes been with another guy, several times, and i dont know if i could be able to stop thinking about that if i was with her. (not to mention that my hurt shouldnt keep her in a relationship, that would be entirely too selfish of me) its such a double edged fucking sword. i love her, i dont want her to be with anyone else, but at the same time i know that some things need to be fixed, and she has already been with someone else. does that make any sense?
i dont know what to do. she sent me some text messages tonight. and they were sweet and made me miss her. When i went to respond to them there was this voice inside of me that wanted to scream at her "DONT FUCK HIM!!!!" Like just this internal voice that wanted to shout this at the top of my lungs. i guess this is why when people break up they just stop talking completely, to avoid this mess. i mean, shes spending so much time with this kid, and I KNOW that shes always thinking about me, and that she misses me, and that she wishes he was me. but she spends everynight she goes out with this kid. i guess it just brings out those natural fears of an ex - "is he better in bed than me" "is he better looking than me" "blah blah blah". i guess i just wish i could move on too. not having anyone makes me feel so damn lonely.
well...i think this is enough bitching about my feelings for one day. i dont know if i feel better or not. we'll see in a minute i guess. thanks for reading, any and all comments would be appreciated.
on the way home i was reminded about something my buddy (who i dont talk to anymore) said to me one time. He knew me and my girl were breaking up, and he said, "you know, i dont mean to make you feel worse, but i know your gonna start writing when this happens, and i'd love to read it." It seems that i never really write unless im under some kind of emotional distress. why is that? i mean, during the good times, i think of all these wonderful things i should put down here, but i never find the time to do that...but when things are shitty as fuck, i look forward to coming home and putting my thoughts in some tangible form. i dunno. its like i really want to put down how i really feel, but i know my ex reads this, and i dont want to hurt her. i know its not her fault, and she shouldnt feel bad, but she still has feelings for me and i think my real feelings will cause her pain, simply because she knows im hurting.
i still cant stop thinking about her. like 24/7. i wake up after sleeping for two hours just to check her fucking away message. i cant go to bed till like 8 o clock in the morning cuz i know shes in bed with him, and its like if i wait up as long as i can, then not only 1) will i be able to fall asleep easier, but 2) i know they arnt fuckin around. isnt that perverse? i mean we were together for 2.5 years, and if i must say so, we had an awesome sexual relationship. i know how she is, i know how she acts, and i know what she does, and i keep on imagining her doing these things with this guy, and its fucking killing me. i wish i could make these images and thoughts stop flowing through my head, but they wont. they come at all times. fucking the stupidest things will fuckin remind me of shit we did, and then "HI! HOW ARE YA! THIS IS AN IMAGE OF HER AND HIM IN YOUR HEAD! HOPE IT MAKES YOUR STOMACH TURN AND YOUR HEART STOP!" hits me with a fuckin broadside straight into my frontal lobe.
i dunno...its like we talked for two hours yesterday, and it was a good convo. i know she still has feelings for me, and she knows i have feelings for her. but at the same time we know that things arent right for us right now. we've been techinically broken up for about 3 months now (even though we saw each other twice towards the end of september). we should be moving on. its just that she works a 7-4 job, lives on a college campus, and has a shit ton of friends to go party with. (not to mention shes unbelievably hot and gets a shit ton of fucking attention from guys.) I on the other hand live at home, in a suburb, go to law school four days a week (where i study), then work thursday friday and saturday night till 430am. (and i refuse to date or hook up with bar skanks) i dont have time to get over her. instead i get stuck workin the door for 5 hours at a fuckin time, bored off my ass, knowing that she is out with this guy partying, getting drunk, and most likely going home with him. sigh.
god. looking back at this im such a fucking whiner. if i was reading this and i didnt know the person that wrote it i would be like, "what a fucking pussy. man up, move on, quit yer bitchin." but i hope anyone who reads this doesnt think that. im just an average guy, who's in love with someone he cant be with, who works and goes to school and can't party and meet chics.
okay. so im a fucking pussy, and i need to man up, move on, and quit my bitchin.
but HEY this is an online journal. i can be a bitch if i want...so NYAH!
so i apologize for my pussiness. i know that this journal is going to be filled with invective, sob stories, and emotional feelings of mine. its just how i feel. and to prolong this bitch fest, the reason im doing it all here is because i dont have anyone else to do it to. most guys dont understand because they refer me to the "what a fucking pussy" quote listed above. My ex was my best friend. and now shes gone. i wish we could still talk and act like friends but i dont think we are strong enough for that. i know im not. we would talk everyday, a million times a day, and this went on for 2.5 years! we never stopped talking. and now when i want to call her to tell her some small, inane thing, i cant. because the second i hear her voice i think of how we aint together, and how we're not getting back together and i think of this fucking guy. i wish i was strong enough to actually not think about this, or get over it. she is really a great friend and has helped me through so much but after we talk my missing her and my hurt gets worse, not better. i mean, as it is now i check her fucking away message a million times a day. its like my loss is twofold. not only did i lose my girlfriend, but also my bestfriend. so now, im stuck at home, going to school, going to work, and a considerable part of my life is gone. it sucks.
i was also thinking tonight about, "would i take her back?" a couple of days ago, as i was picking my mom up from work she gave me some advice. She said, "rich, if you truly love her, and if you want her, go after her. chase after her. dont give up on it." i know i love her and i know i want her, but i dont know if we are right for each other. its like she is two shades from perfect. and by shades i mean how sky blue is different from royal blue, maybe not even that big of a distinction. but she is totally perfect in most ways, she did sweet things for me, had a great personality, killer looks, awesome in bed; but something just didnt work out. i dont know what it was.
still, tonight i asked myself the question if i could have her back would i? do i think we should get back together. no. its like my head tells me something is slightly wrong, and i need to go out, date, and try to determine if she is the one for me. but my heart hurts so fucking much right now, i would almost do anything to stop the pain. i would almost take her back just to keep her from being with anyone else (not to mention im head over heals for this girl) but at the same time, shes been with another guy, several times, and i dont know if i could be able to stop thinking about that if i was with her. (not to mention that my hurt shouldnt keep her in a relationship, that would be entirely too selfish of me) its such a double edged fucking sword. i love her, i dont want her to be with anyone else, but at the same time i know that some things need to be fixed, and she has already been with someone else. does that make any sense?
i dont know what to do. she sent me some text messages tonight. and they were sweet and made me miss her. When i went to respond to them there was this voice inside of me that wanted to scream at her "DONT FUCK HIM!!!!" Like just this internal voice that wanted to shout this at the top of my lungs. i guess this is why when people break up they just stop talking completely, to avoid this mess. i mean, shes spending so much time with this kid, and I KNOW that shes always thinking about me, and that she misses me, and that she wishes he was me. but she spends everynight she goes out with this kid. i guess it just brings out those natural fears of an ex - "is he better in bed than me" "is he better looking than me" "blah blah blah". i guess i just wish i could move on too. not having anyone makes me feel so damn lonely.
well...i think this is enough bitching about my feelings for one day. i dont know if i feel better or not. we'll see in a minute i guess. thanks for reading, any and all comments would be appreciated.