thinking bout shit
I don't know why...but I've been feeling very lonely lately. It just feels like no one understands me. I try and talk to my parents, but they just don't get it....my Dad keeps saying I just have to move on and get over it...but he doesn't understand how hard that is for me. Every time I walk into my bedroom I feel suffocated and I can see everything so vividly in my mind that I have to escape. Being in there during the day isn't so horrible...but at night I just can't deal with all the memories. My councelor says its post traumatic stress disorder...whatever its a fancy name for FREAKING OUT.
It just seems like I don't really have anyone to talk to that can relate to what I'm going through right now. They all say "Jeez Rachael it happened 2 years ago GET OVER IT." Well easier said than done. Maybe I'm just crazy...I don't know. Whatever.
Another thing is that I've been thinking about Micah a lot lately. I really miss him. Just talking to him...is what I miss the most. I want to call him but I'm afraid that if I do he'll get angry at me. I just wish that we could be friends still. He said that we could, but saying something and going through with the actions are two different things. I wish that I could just be around him. He always has the power to put me in a better mood when I'm around him. I don't feel so down when he's near. I guess I need to try and depend on myself for my happiness and not another person. For so long I've depended on him to make me happy. When he was in my life I'd be happy...even when it was just for a short time...even always knowing that he'd leave again and forget all about me...I was happy. But when he'd be gone I'd fall back into that dark hole. Waiting until he was ready to see me again. Its always been on his terms. I know its difficult for him, but doesn't he see how much harder it is for me? All I've ever wanted from him is (at least) his friendship. If I can't have more than that...friendship is all I ask. I wish that it could be. I mean yeah it would be hard to hear him talk about his girlfriend...I mean the last time he talked about her to me I just started balling...but I want to beable to have SOME sort of of relationship with him and in order to do that I need to accept that she is the one in his life. I don't know...I've just been doing alot of thinking lately I guess.
I've also been doing a lot of self exploration. I need to start understanding myself better. Its funny to say that, but its true. A lot of the time I don't even understand the things I do and say. My whole life has been following other people's expectations of me...and learning how to meet my own expectations and figuring out what those are is difficult. I have a lot of goals, but realizing what is realistic and what is not is the hard part. I want to go to college and study to be a kindergarten teacher...that is a realistic goal. But working towards it is the difficult part. I need to start cracking down on my studying and not worrying so much about my social life. I need to start earning money to achieve my goals. I got a babysitting job for every saturday night for a little boy who is 1 and a half...and he is just the most darling little thing ever and it pays well which is nice. I don't know what else to say other than that.
Much love,
Rachael