journal #8. fear.
T.C. 4753
I am very frightened. I know people say that Realians cannot feel fear but I do (though maybe I just misunderstand because even still I am not so good at understanding feelings) but fear is the only word I know to say these feelings with.
I told Dr. Meredith about Dr. Sellers and the tall scary man in the black coat and what they were saying about Daddy Dr. Mizrahi and the Song of Nephilim. She said the scary man was Margulis and that he made her scared too and that she had been suspicious for a while but really had no idea and there was nothing she could do at this point. I might not be good at feelings, but I know that she had a look that was very scared and very sad. It made me scared and sad to see Dr. Meredith scared and sad.
I told her how I was feeling and suggested that she did a readout of my emotional simulator on the monitor but she said that she knew these sad feelings were not a malfunction. I knew that was true too but it seemed like the right thing to say and maybe if it was just a malfunction then it wouldn't be real. Real? I don't think that is the right way to say it but I don't know another way.
I did not see Dr. Meredith today or yesterday. Yesterday I asked Daddy Dr. Mizrahi Daddy where she was and he said not to call him Daddy in in the lab and also that she was away doing maintenance on combat Realians because of the fighting. At first this made me happy because it made me think of Nielsen but then I realized that Nielsen must be in the war and I hope he is okay and I don't like to think about wars so I am trying not to.
Today Daddy Dr. Mizrahi was not in the lab either. I asked Dr. Winnicot where Dr. Meredith was and he did not say but he gave me a smile that was not a happy smile because it gave me a very very bad feeling.
I was not functioning very well in the lab today because of these bad feelings, so Dr. Winnicot sent me back to my quarters for the day. He told me I was even closer to being obsolete than he thought.
I am... very frightened.
I am very frightened. I know people say that Realians cannot feel fear but I do (though maybe I just misunderstand because even still I am not so good at understanding feelings) but fear is the only word I know to say these feelings with.
I told Dr. Meredith about Dr. Sellers and the tall scary man in the black coat and what they were saying about Daddy Dr. Mizrahi and the Song of Nephilim. She said the scary man was Margulis and that he made her scared too and that she had been suspicious for a while but really had no idea and there was nothing she could do at this point. I might not be good at feelings, but I know that she had a look that was very scared and very sad. It made me scared and sad to see Dr. Meredith scared and sad.
I told her how I was feeling and suggested that she did a readout of my emotional simulator on the monitor but she said that she knew these sad feelings were not a malfunction. I knew that was true too but it seemed like the right thing to say and maybe if it was just a malfunction then it wouldn't be real. Real? I don't think that is the right way to say it but I don't know another way.
I did not see Dr. Meredith today or yesterday. Yesterday I asked Daddy Dr. Mizrahi Daddy where she was and he said not to call him Daddy in in the lab and also that she was away doing maintenance on combat Realians because of the fighting. At first this made me happy because it made me think of Nielsen but then I realized that Nielsen must be in the war and I hope he is okay and I don't like to think about wars so I am trying not to.
Today Daddy Dr. Mizrahi was not in the lab either. I asked Dr. Winnicot where Dr. Meredith was and he did not say but he gave me a smile that was not a happy smile because it gave me a very very bad feeling.
I was not functioning very well in the lab today because of these bad feelings, so Dr. Winnicot sent me back to my quarters for the day. He told me I was even closer to being obsolete than he thought.
I am... very frightened.