slowly derailing
Life.
So much happens in one day, so many things pending from so many possible actions.
I get confused just trying to keep it all strait.
Whenever I play strategy games like Warcraft or Starcraft, I have trouble keeping all the actions in my head. Building farms, barracks, workers, etc. I tend to do very well when I can focus on one specific task, but when it comes to keeping many tasks going all at the same time, something always slips. I forget to build enough farms, and run out of laborers, or I kill all my soldiers, and have forgotten to keep up production to make more. Keeping it all in my head is a difficult task, and I usually lose the game, or excel really well in one specific area, while the other is completely neglected.
I feel like that now. I have been neglecting aspects of my life and focusing on others. I am afraid that if this keeps up, I will neglect one and find myself severely screwed.
My spiritual work is currently being neglected. I haven't touched my book of shadows, created shortly after I came back from Pantheacon, a few months ago. It makes me sad. I felt so connected to life, my dreams were vivid and showed me things that I needed to see. My journey towards self appreciation and learning to love and find me has all but come to a halt. I still find little tasks that I can do. I read some related books now and then. I do some spiritual work with close friends, but not on a regular basis, not enough for me to get any kind of real meaning from it.
My weight loss has slowed down to the point that I am worried about potential progress. A little less than a month ago, I met my half-way goal. I weigh less than 200 pounds. But since then, I haven't really lost much, a couple pounds, I think. My eating habits are still good for the most part. I am not worried about gaining, but I have been lazy, not working out like I should be, relying on TaeKwonDo as my only source of exercise per week. I don't walk around town. I don't feel like I did that day in San Francisco when I had my backpack, my water, and my book. I don't feel my hair blowing in the breeze as I sweat my way around town seeing beautiful sights.
Shireen has eating habits that are hard for me to be around. She likes the things that I don't want to eat anymore, and she doesn't like the things that I want to explore more and cook with. When I cook dinner for the both of us, I find myself sliding my allowance of what I will ingest a bit more leniently because I want her to enjoy it as well. I don't cook much with rice these days, and that bothers me. This is my issue though, not hers. We sat down and talked about this during the weekend. It was a hard subject to talk to her about. I still have many issues tied up with food, weight, my body. It was hard for me to talk with her, because I imagined what it would have been like if someone would have approached me on a similar subject before I started my change in eating habits. I would have been terrified, I would have felt humiliated, and I would have been defensive. I think she handled it very well, and we made some very awesome progress. It isn't finished, not by a long shot, but just talking to her about the issue was a wondrous relief for me. But I still need to work on things. Eating right isn't enough, I need to workout more. I need to walk, I want to run.
My focus has shifted from these things, my goals, my tasks I need to complete in order to feel on "track", on my path. Instead, I have been focusing on school work. I find myself worrying about what kind of a grade I am getting in Spanish, instead of actually trying to learn the language for the sake of speaking Spanish. I find myself falling into old patterns of studying, cramming, doing well solely for the intention of passing the tests. To me, that isn't learning. My comprehension of written Spanish has improved ten-fold, but I still can't communicate an idea to a Spanish speaking person. Months of study has come and gone, and I can conjugate verbs like a mad-man, I can do all the things that the tests require me to memorize, I can do the work, but I still can't speak it. To me, this seems like I have gone off track. I need to refocus and reevaluate. I don't care about the grades anymore, but it is hard to keep that in mind. Old patterns are easy to fall back on.
The same with my English class. I am doing very well in the class, as far as my grades are concerned. But I haven't learned to write any better than I did before I came into the class. I simply learned what the instructor wanted, what he would give the best grade for, and ran with it. Old patterns. I don't need an A in English and Spanish. I want to learn to speak Spanish, and I want to learn to write more profoundly. So much energy is being wasted on grades.
The semester is going to end in a few weeks. It is too late to change the patterns I have set for these specific two classes. I will finish them with getting a good grade in mind, and then take the summer off from college. During that time, I will reevaluate my goals and see if they fit in the concept that college is offering. I have to keep the future in mind for this as well. I do want a degree some day, a better paying job, etc. I do at least want the option for those things. I can't be a receptionist for the rest of my life, no matter how much I enjoy it. When was the last time you saw a 50 year old receptionist man. It isn't done.
Life. It is mine, and I need to take control of it again. I am doing too many things that I "Should" be doing, and few of the things that I want to be doing. I need to get my path back on track and focus on the things that make me a happy Richard. I know that if I focus on a specific task, a goal, it will happen. I've seen it before, I can do it again. I can do this.
So much happens in one day, so many things pending from so many possible actions.
I get confused just trying to keep it all strait.
Whenever I play strategy games like Warcraft or Starcraft, I have trouble keeping all the actions in my head. Building farms, barracks, workers, etc. I tend to do very well when I can focus on one specific task, but when it comes to keeping many tasks going all at the same time, something always slips. I forget to build enough farms, and run out of laborers, or I kill all my soldiers, and have forgotten to keep up production to make more. Keeping it all in my head is a difficult task, and I usually lose the game, or excel really well in one specific area, while the other is completely neglected.
I feel like that now. I have been neglecting aspects of my life and focusing on others. I am afraid that if this keeps up, I will neglect one and find myself severely screwed.
My spiritual work is currently being neglected. I haven't touched my book of shadows, created shortly after I came back from Pantheacon, a few months ago. It makes me sad. I felt so connected to life, my dreams were vivid and showed me things that I needed to see. My journey towards self appreciation and learning to love and find me has all but come to a halt. I still find little tasks that I can do. I read some related books now and then. I do some spiritual work with close friends, but not on a regular basis, not enough for me to get any kind of real meaning from it.
My weight loss has slowed down to the point that I am worried about potential progress. A little less than a month ago, I met my half-way goal. I weigh less than 200 pounds. But since then, I haven't really lost much, a couple pounds, I think. My eating habits are still good for the most part. I am not worried about gaining, but I have been lazy, not working out like I should be, relying on TaeKwonDo as my only source of exercise per week. I don't walk around town. I don't feel like I did that day in San Francisco when I had my backpack, my water, and my book. I don't feel my hair blowing in the breeze as I sweat my way around town seeing beautiful sights.
Shireen has eating habits that are hard for me to be around. She likes the things that I don't want to eat anymore, and she doesn't like the things that I want to explore more and cook with. When I cook dinner for the both of us, I find myself sliding my allowance of what I will ingest a bit more leniently because I want her to enjoy it as well. I don't cook much with rice these days, and that bothers me. This is my issue though, not hers. We sat down and talked about this during the weekend. It was a hard subject to talk to her about. I still have many issues tied up with food, weight, my body. It was hard for me to talk with her, because I imagined what it would have been like if someone would have approached me on a similar subject before I started my change in eating habits. I would have been terrified, I would have felt humiliated, and I would have been defensive. I think she handled it very well, and we made some very awesome progress. It isn't finished, not by a long shot, but just talking to her about the issue was a wondrous relief for me. But I still need to work on things. Eating right isn't enough, I need to workout more. I need to walk, I want to run.
My focus has shifted from these things, my goals, my tasks I need to complete in order to feel on "track", on my path. Instead, I have been focusing on school work. I find myself worrying about what kind of a grade I am getting in Spanish, instead of actually trying to learn the language for the sake of speaking Spanish. I find myself falling into old patterns of studying, cramming, doing well solely for the intention of passing the tests. To me, that isn't learning. My comprehension of written Spanish has improved ten-fold, but I still can't communicate an idea to a Spanish speaking person. Months of study has come and gone, and I can conjugate verbs like a mad-man, I can do all the things that the tests require me to memorize, I can do the work, but I still can't speak it. To me, this seems like I have gone off track. I need to refocus and reevaluate. I don't care about the grades anymore, but it is hard to keep that in mind. Old patterns are easy to fall back on.
The same with my English class. I am doing very well in the class, as far as my grades are concerned. But I haven't learned to write any better than I did before I came into the class. I simply learned what the instructor wanted, what he would give the best grade for, and ran with it. Old patterns. I don't need an A in English and Spanish. I want to learn to speak Spanish, and I want to learn to write more profoundly. So much energy is being wasted on grades.
The semester is going to end in a few weeks. It is too late to change the patterns I have set for these specific two classes. I will finish them with getting a good grade in mind, and then take the summer off from college. During that time, I will reevaluate my goals and see if they fit in the concept that college is offering. I have to keep the future in mind for this as well. I do want a degree some day, a better paying job, etc. I do at least want the option for those things. I can't be a receptionist for the rest of my life, no matter how much I enjoy it. When was the last time you saw a 50 year old receptionist man. It isn't done.
Life. It is mine, and I need to take control of it again. I am doing too many things that I "Should" be doing, and few of the things that I want to be doing. I need to get my path back on track and focus on the things that make me a happy Richard. I know that if I focus on a specific task, a goal, it will happen. I've seen it before, I can do it again. I can do this.