No truth, only love
I feel overwhelmed by nothingness. If that is possible. I have so many thoughts, but it all boils down into a void that cannot be filled. That will never be filled. Some things just have no answers. You can wonder, and contemplate, reach a different level... stumble upon more and more stimulating ideas. It's not to say it doesn't get you anywhere, b/c it really does. I don't regret one bit of over analyzing, thinking too much, b/c it's the only way to understand. But understanding doesn't mean answers, it just means knowing the situation, it means understanding there is no answer.
I guess the thing that bothers me, is most people expect answers. They want answers. They need answers. So people feel obliged to give them answers. To make up stories, to make up excuses. If you look closely, so many traditions, and lifestyles, have been adapted to feed the hunger for false knowledge. What is religion anyway? Is it not all in an effort to provide hope for people, to give them a divine truth? That's fine, for those who feel it necessary, but I am okay with accepting there may be no truth. That all I know, is who I am, and all else is assumed.
My mind tells me when I look at the sky, the picture staring back at me is blue. Could it be that everyday I see this, just because I am so used to it? Could it be that it is not blue at all? And if it was purple one day, there could very well be made some legitimate reason that it is so, but does that mean that is the reason? Does everything that makes sense hold any truth? Do things have to make sense to be trusted? Aliens are totally out there, but God is perfectly normal. I personally don't see the difference.
So lately I feel overwhelmed, now that I have explained the nothingness I feel. I love life, and yet I hate it. Sometimes I feel so helpless, as I see things around me that I wish were different. As I try and talk to people, and want them to understand my theories... and they listen. Thank you for listening. But they disagree. That's natural, but it's like rejection each time I encounter these discussions. A slap in the face to my cause. And then there are those who don't even listen. Well, fuck you. But no... really, it's just frustrating. I just want people to hear me out. It's just frustrating knowing I can't ever stop the hate that exists, when I contain some of it myself. I guess that quiz I took was true; I really don't understand why people must hate, and discriminate. Why different means bad. Why different means war. Why different doesn't mean culture, and diversity.
And then I look around, and feel so grateful. I reflect on my friends, my family, and I feel so fortunate to have certain people close to me. Those people who do listen to me, listen to me obsess and listen to me cry, and listen... even when they disagree. I feel overjoyed at this connection people can share, and it gives me a little bit of hope. A connection I share with people who make me so angry sometimes, but that I still love. That I can truly be myself with, and laugh with over nothing, and feel comfortable in my stupidity. People who I necessarily don't just click with, but who over time I have learned to appreciate. Who have known me for so long that they just know me a way other people can't. And then the people who I know for just a week and I feel something so much deeper that it cannot even be explained. That again, know me a way other people can't, but just a different way.
I have to say my relationships with people are what keep me going. Those kind words and sincere smiles make all the difference. Telling someone you appreciate them never gets old. It is a beauty not to be taken for granted. I cannot help but beam whenever I know I have helped someone, and they thank me for it. Or when they tell me they enjoy being with me. It makes all my questions and worries about the world lighten up a little bit, reminding me I can save the world one person at a time, one breath at a time, and they will be there to help me catch my breath. I don't know if I'm making any more sense at this point, but I just have so many things to say...
I guess I underestimate a lot of people. I assume a lot from the experiences I have had, or read about, and figure some people just wouldn't understand. It's amazing to see what lies beneath, what character can unfold if you give them a chance. Maybe it's not the same character I hope to find, but intriguing nonetheless. Everyone has something to teach, and everyone has something to learn. Everyone.
Then there is that constant feeling of insignificance of being a teenager. I am sixteen, so what would I know? No, that's not what I believe, but others do. Sure, I may not have been through all of life's experiences. But who has? My life could easily end tomorrow, or maybe 60 years from now, but does that mean 60 years from now my life would be more legit? When is the age reached that I am not considered naive and ignorant? I want those labels to be taken away... but maybe its an inevitability of being young? Maybe I really don't know what I am talking about? Well, either way, right now I am sixteen. Right now, these are the thoughts I think. And right now, I am going to express them. Right now, this is what is right for me, and maybe 5 years later I will disagree, and maybe I will still agree, etc. I don't predict the future.
I realize my parents may be more knowledgable on certain topics b/c they've been through more shit than I probably have been through, and they know how to handle certain things better b/c they've handled moving to another country, and starting a new life, and raising a family. I realize that, and I listen to most their rules, even if a curfew of 11 p.m. sometimes seems a bit silly to me. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I talk about politics, or society. I am just coming from a different perspective. They don't shut me out, which is a fortunate thing, but they think I am really weird. They including my sister. Well, they can call me weird. I see it as unique...
This is getting long. I just need to clear my mind. I have been updating on a regular basis, but about trivial things of my summer, of what I have been doing, to remember later on. I think about what I want, what would make me happy right now, and I am not really sure. I think I have all that I want. I want close relationships with people, friendships will do. I cherish it so much. So in the absence of people I naturally am inclined to feel dissatisfied, that there should be something more in my life. But that isn't the case. Rather, it's that happiness is like hunger, you have to keep feeding it, not one act will keep you happy forever. It's those constant acts, that remind you... why you're living.
Don't forget to smile.
I guess the thing that bothers me, is most people expect answers. They want answers. They need answers. So people feel obliged to give them answers. To make up stories, to make up excuses. If you look closely, so many traditions, and lifestyles, have been adapted to feed the hunger for false knowledge. What is religion anyway? Is it not all in an effort to provide hope for people, to give them a divine truth? That's fine, for those who feel it necessary, but I am okay with accepting there may be no truth. That all I know, is who I am, and all else is assumed.
My mind tells me when I look at the sky, the picture staring back at me is blue. Could it be that everyday I see this, just because I am so used to it? Could it be that it is not blue at all? And if it was purple one day, there could very well be made some legitimate reason that it is so, but does that mean that is the reason? Does everything that makes sense hold any truth? Do things have to make sense to be trusted? Aliens are totally out there, but God is perfectly normal. I personally don't see the difference.
So lately I feel overwhelmed, now that I have explained the nothingness I feel. I love life, and yet I hate it. Sometimes I feel so helpless, as I see things around me that I wish were different. As I try and talk to people, and want them to understand my theories... and they listen. Thank you for listening. But they disagree. That's natural, but it's like rejection each time I encounter these discussions. A slap in the face to my cause. And then there are those who don't even listen. Well, fuck you. But no... really, it's just frustrating. I just want people to hear me out. It's just frustrating knowing I can't ever stop the hate that exists, when I contain some of it myself. I guess that quiz I took was true; I really don't understand why people must hate, and discriminate. Why different means bad. Why different means war. Why different doesn't mean culture, and diversity.
And then I look around, and feel so grateful. I reflect on my friends, my family, and I feel so fortunate to have certain people close to me. Those people who do listen to me, listen to me obsess and listen to me cry, and listen... even when they disagree. I feel overjoyed at this connection people can share, and it gives me a little bit of hope. A connection I share with people who make me so angry sometimes, but that I still love. That I can truly be myself with, and laugh with over nothing, and feel comfortable in my stupidity. People who I necessarily don't just click with, but who over time I have learned to appreciate. Who have known me for so long that they just know me a way other people can't. And then the people who I know for just a week and I feel something so much deeper that it cannot even be explained. That again, know me a way other people can't, but just a different way.
I have to say my relationships with people are what keep me going. Those kind words and sincere smiles make all the difference. Telling someone you appreciate them never gets old. It is a beauty not to be taken for granted. I cannot help but beam whenever I know I have helped someone, and they thank me for it. Or when they tell me they enjoy being with me. It makes all my questions and worries about the world lighten up a little bit, reminding me I can save the world one person at a time, one breath at a time, and they will be there to help me catch my breath. I don't know if I'm making any more sense at this point, but I just have so many things to say...
I guess I underestimate a lot of people. I assume a lot from the experiences I have had, or read about, and figure some people just wouldn't understand. It's amazing to see what lies beneath, what character can unfold if you give them a chance. Maybe it's not the same character I hope to find, but intriguing nonetheless. Everyone has something to teach, and everyone has something to learn. Everyone.
Then there is that constant feeling of insignificance of being a teenager. I am sixteen, so what would I know? No, that's not what I believe, but others do. Sure, I may not have been through all of life's experiences. But who has? My life could easily end tomorrow, or maybe 60 years from now, but does that mean 60 years from now my life would be more legit? When is the age reached that I am not considered naive and ignorant? I want those labels to be taken away... but maybe its an inevitability of being young? Maybe I really don't know what I am talking about? Well, either way, right now I am sixteen. Right now, these are the thoughts I think. And right now, I am going to express them. Right now, this is what is right for me, and maybe 5 years later I will disagree, and maybe I will still agree, etc. I don't predict the future.
I realize my parents may be more knowledgable on certain topics b/c they've been through more shit than I probably have been through, and they know how to handle certain things better b/c they've handled moving to another country, and starting a new life, and raising a family. I realize that, and I listen to most their rules, even if a curfew of 11 p.m. sometimes seems a bit silly to me. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I talk about politics, or society. I am just coming from a different perspective. They don't shut me out, which is a fortunate thing, but they think I am really weird. They including my sister. Well, they can call me weird. I see it as unique...
This is getting long. I just need to clear my mind. I have been updating on a regular basis, but about trivial things of my summer, of what I have been doing, to remember later on. I think about what I want, what would make me happy right now, and I am not really sure. I think I have all that I want. I want close relationships with people, friendships will do. I cherish it so much. So in the absence of people I naturally am inclined to feel dissatisfied, that there should be something more in my life. But that isn't the case. Rather, it's that happiness is like hunger, you have to keep feeding it, not one act will keep you happy forever. It's those constant acts, that remind you... why you're living.
Don't forget to smile.