[wee.]
[these are rich's thoughts. no one knows this, do you understand me? only you as a handler knows this--your !boy or !girl have no clue. unless rich specifically told your character something in these thoughts, you don't know it, so you can't !fake with it. so just read and fall in love with him, for he's so sweet. and leave me comments, i love those. but only out of character. thanks.]
Insecure, adj.: 1. Not sure or certain; doubtful. 2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe. 3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady. 4a. Lacking stability, troubled. 4b. Lacking self-confidence, plagued by anxiety.
There we go, number 4b. That's me, where he's concerned.
I know that I'm a good pitcher. And I know I can be a good friend. And I know I'm good looking. And I know I'm funny, and kind, and I know I'm decently intelligent.
But for some reason, with him, it's like all of my confidence flies out the window as soon as he's in the room. He's amazingly good looking. He's got the greatest smile I think I've ever seen. He's so kind-hearted. He's pure, true to himself. He loves everyone. He's patient. He's understanding. He's cute, funny, smart, sweet. He can play the guitar. He knows me, knows who I am, what I am, what I represent. He likes me. He even said he's falling in love with me.
Which should, in theory, make me feel extraordinarily lucky. Which I know I am, to be blessed by God like this, to have him in my life.
But it also terrifies me, because suddenly, now, there are more opportunities to fuck it up than ever before, and I am very, very good at fucking things up. I've proven that time and time again, and I'm completely terrified of fucking this up, after all I did to get here.
He once explained that, basically, if I were to be with him, in a relationship, sex is out of the question. Sex before marriage is against his beliefs. We've unspokenly agreed that "sex before marriage" is penetration. So while we've done some other things, penetration is something I will never have. And I told him I would give up a lot of things for him, including sex, and I still feel that to this day. I'd have a hard time keeping my hands off of him, but if he wanted it, I would do it.
I sometimes feel like I was put on this earth, I went through all the bad things I went through, specifically to meet him and have him show me the kind of person I could be, that I was meant to be. I'm constantly afraid that I am not good for him, and that I may never be good for him. And he assures me, and shows me, every day that it isn't true. His feelings for me are growing, deepening, taking root. And mine are doing the same. Slowly and surely, each day passes and each day I get this twingle in my heart. I hear music when he passes by me. He smiles and I swear I can feel the earth halt to a creaking stop beneath my feet. He affects me that much. And I truly believe he always will.
I still feel guilt and shame over what I did to John. I never meant to do that--I am not that kind of person. Huston tells me that it was better to tell him than lie later and hurt him worse. Sometimes I wonder if he'd stayed when we had our fight, if I would still be with him. And while it pains me, I know it isn't true.
Huston is. He's a beacon. A lighthouse. Wherever I am in the world, I will follow him home. He'll call to me. So even though I did not wish to hurt John, I believe it was inevitable. I understand that he probably hates me, and that I may never be able to apologize enough, but Huston's light was bright enough to attract me, and it's bright enough to keep me.
He's a truly amazing person. I feel as if God has given me this once-in-a-lifetime privilege to know this man, this human being. He's astounding. His tenderness never fails to amaze me. His philosophy on life is heartwarming and brightens my day. I feel as if my life had not begun until I heard him come into the clubhouse and say, "Hi, everyone. My name's Huston Street, and I'm so glad they called me up. I'm so glad I get to play with y'all."
I remember looking at him and smiling because he was cute, smirking because he was polite, and sighing because he was not only beautiful on the outside, but the inside as well, and that is unbelievably rare these days. He is genuinely kind.
I still sort of wonder what in the hell is he doing with someone like me. I didn't go to a "real" college, I'm not as religious as he is, my family's not as amazingly connected as his is. I'm so many things he isn't. I'm so much dimmer than he is, as if I was painted in shades of gray and he's in pure technicolor. I'm a comic book, he's a renaissance painting. I'm ice-cream, he's Ben & Jerry's. I'm good, he's better. He's the best. And I feel as if I fall short. I'm not saying he's better than me; I'm saying I'm not as good as him.
If it were as easy as just talking to him about it, I would have done so. But if I were to discuss my shortcomings with him, Huston, simply because of his nature and personality, would naturally contradict me in that soft, Southern voice of his and tell me how great I am, and while I'm with him I'll believe it. But once away from him, I worry I'm doing too much, or I'm not doing enough, or he'll realize what a fuck-up I really am and run away as fast as he can.
And I honestly think that would kill me inside, because right now, I have never felt about anyone as I do about him. I have never been this...intense before. I have never been so insistent in my convictions as I am now. I think I love him. And I think he may, possibly (God, hopefully) love me. Or at least, he might be on his way to it.
I won't say I see us spending eternity together, because I can't. And I won't say he's the one I'm going to marry, because I don't know yet. But I do know that life without Huston is impossible. Inconceivable. And I do know that life with Huston has made my days so much better than before. I get up in the morning looking forward to seeing him, touching him, kissing him. He makes me want to be a better person, for him. He makes me want to live life each day as fully as possible. He makes me believe in God. He makes me believe in me.
This year has been a whacky, heartbreaking, wonderful year. I've been down in the dumps, miserable, I've been in relationships and out of relationships. I've cheated on someone. I've been cheated on. And now, it seems as if it's all boiling down to one person, one time, and one relationship, and that's a remarkable feeling, while at the same time scaring the piss out of me. I don't want to fuck this up. I cannot fuck this up.
Therefore, I will not fuck this up. I am a better, stronger man than I once was, and with him, we can be better and stronger together. By sheer force of will and perserverence, he and I can get through this. Together.
"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your heart." Ecclesiastes 9:10. Probably his favorite excerpt from the Bible, the one he'd murmur to me before I pitched, the one he whispered as he kissed me at night, the one he said early in the morning when I was making breakfast and thought I'd burned the toast. He smiles all the time, and he believes every word he says, and that is unbelievably heartening.
In all the world I don't believe I've ever met someone as interesting and beautiful and compassionate as Huston Street. And in my heart of hearts, I believe I will spend my life with him, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Because he has gotten under my skin and I wish to keep him there. Because he has taken my heart and cradled it in his hands and he has not crushed it. Because he tells me I'm beautiful. Because his breath catches when I touch him and his pulse races.
I don't know who I'm kidding anymore with this "falling in love" business. I've already fallen. Now I just wait and hope and pray to God that he falls with me.
Insecure, adj.: 1. Not sure or certain; doubtful. 2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe. 3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady. 4a. Lacking stability, troubled. 4b. Lacking self-confidence, plagued by anxiety.
There we go, number 4b. That's me, where he's concerned.
I know that I'm a good pitcher. And I know I can be a good friend. And I know I'm good looking. And I know I'm funny, and kind, and I know I'm decently intelligent.
But for some reason, with him, it's like all of my confidence flies out the window as soon as he's in the room. He's amazingly good looking. He's got the greatest smile I think I've ever seen. He's so kind-hearted. He's pure, true to himself. He loves everyone. He's patient. He's understanding. He's cute, funny, smart, sweet. He can play the guitar. He knows me, knows who I am, what I am, what I represent. He likes me. He even said he's falling in love with me.
Which should, in theory, make me feel extraordinarily lucky. Which I know I am, to be blessed by God like this, to have him in my life.
But it also terrifies me, because suddenly, now, there are more opportunities to fuck it up than ever before, and I am very, very good at fucking things up. I've proven that time and time again, and I'm completely terrified of fucking this up, after all I did to get here.
He once explained that, basically, if I were to be with him, in a relationship, sex is out of the question. Sex before marriage is against his beliefs. We've unspokenly agreed that "sex before marriage" is penetration. So while we've done some other things, penetration is something I will never have. And I told him I would give up a lot of things for him, including sex, and I still feel that to this day. I'd have a hard time keeping my hands off of him, but if he wanted it, I would do it.
I sometimes feel like I was put on this earth, I went through all the bad things I went through, specifically to meet him and have him show me the kind of person I could be, that I was meant to be. I'm constantly afraid that I am not good for him, and that I may never be good for him. And he assures me, and shows me, every day that it isn't true. His feelings for me are growing, deepening, taking root. And mine are doing the same. Slowly and surely, each day passes and each day I get this twingle in my heart. I hear music when he passes by me. He smiles and I swear I can feel the earth halt to a creaking stop beneath my feet. He affects me that much. And I truly believe he always will.
I still feel guilt and shame over what I did to John. I never meant to do that--I am not that kind of person. Huston tells me that it was better to tell him than lie later and hurt him worse. Sometimes I wonder if he'd stayed when we had our fight, if I would still be with him. And while it pains me, I know it isn't true.
Huston is. He's a beacon. A lighthouse. Wherever I am in the world, I will follow him home. He'll call to me. So even though I did not wish to hurt John, I believe it was inevitable. I understand that he probably hates me, and that I may never be able to apologize enough, but Huston's light was bright enough to attract me, and it's bright enough to keep me.
He's a truly amazing person. I feel as if God has given me this once-in-a-lifetime privilege to know this man, this human being. He's astounding. His tenderness never fails to amaze me. His philosophy on life is heartwarming and brightens my day. I feel as if my life had not begun until I heard him come into the clubhouse and say, "Hi, everyone. My name's Huston Street, and I'm so glad they called me up. I'm so glad I get to play with y'all."
I remember looking at him and smiling because he was cute, smirking because he was polite, and sighing because he was not only beautiful on the outside, but the inside as well, and that is unbelievably rare these days. He is genuinely kind.
I still sort of wonder what in the hell is he doing with someone like me. I didn't go to a "real" college, I'm not as religious as he is, my family's not as amazingly connected as his is. I'm so many things he isn't. I'm so much dimmer than he is, as if I was painted in shades of gray and he's in pure technicolor. I'm a comic book, he's a renaissance painting. I'm ice-cream, he's Ben & Jerry's. I'm good, he's better. He's the best. And I feel as if I fall short. I'm not saying he's better than me; I'm saying I'm not as good as him.
If it were as easy as just talking to him about it, I would have done so. But if I were to discuss my shortcomings with him, Huston, simply because of his nature and personality, would naturally contradict me in that soft, Southern voice of his and tell me how great I am, and while I'm with him I'll believe it. But once away from him, I worry I'm doing too much, or I'm not doing enough, or he'll realize what a fuck-up I really am and run away as fast as he can.
And I honestly think that would kill me inside, because right now, I have never felt about anyone as I do about him. I have never been this...intense before. I have never been so insistent in my convictions as I am now. I think I love him. And I think he may, possibly (God, hopefully) love me. Or at least, he might be on his way to it.
I won't say I see us spending eternity together, because I can't. And I won't say he's the one I'm going to marry, because I don't know yet. But I do know that life without Huston is impossible. Inconceivable. And I do know that life with Huston has made my days so much better than before. I get up in the morning looking forward to seeing him, touching him, kissing him. He makes me want to be a better person, for him. He makes me want to live life each day as fully as possible. He makes me believe in God. He makes me believe in me.
This year has been a whacky, heartbreaking, wonderful year. I've been down in the dumps, miserable, I've been in relationships and out of relationships. I've cheated on someone. I've been cheated on. And now, it seems as if it's all boiling down to one person, one time, and one relationship, and that's a remarkable feeling, while at the same time scaring the piss out of me. I don't want to fuck this up. I cannot fuck this up.
Therefore, I will not fuck this up. I am a better, stronger man than I once was, and with him, we can be better and stronger together. By sheer force of will and perserverence, he and I can get through this. Together.
"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your heart." Ecclesiastes 9:10. Probably his favorite excerpt from the Bible, the one he'd murmur to me before I pitched, the one he whispered as he kissed me at night, the one he said early in the morning when I was making breakfast and thought I'd burned the toast. He smiles all the time, and he believes every word he says, and that is unbelievably heartening.
In all the world I don't believe I've ever met someone as interesting and beautiful and compassionate as Huston Street. And in my heart of hearts, I believe I will spend my life with him, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Because he has gotten under my skin and I wish to keep him there. Because he has taken my heart and cradled it in his hands and he has not crushed it. Because he tells me I'm beautiful. Because his breath catches when I touch him and his pulse races.
I don't know who I'm kidding anymore with this "falling in love" business. I've already fallen. Now I just wait and hope and pray to God that he falls with me.