Benefits, suicide and bizarre medical information.
So not sure I should post any of this. Pretty sure I don't want to tell my parents, think I should leave something in writing.
So what has happened.
Received a letter from the DWP sometime Monday afternoon. On Tuesday I found letter but decided not to open it as I was going to see a friend for the day and didn't want to ruin it.
On Wednesday went to breakfast and then when I got home I opened the letter. The letter basically said they were removing a small amount of money (trivial from a finance perspective) from my ESA to pay for something (I assumed it was council tax and was right). So I phoned the DWP and confirmed what was happening and asked them to stop it, to which they replied they couldn't and that I would have talk to the council. So I went back out to the local council service centre which was shut even though the times on the door indicated it should be open. Panic set in.
Thursday morning I returned to the centre and was told that they were taking the money no matter what.
For those that don't know I have a huge problem with the police, they forced me to go without water (or anything else) for over a day, stopped me complaining and generally covered it up. I have something akin to a phobia of the police, I get panic attacks when I see them and so I try to avoid going outside other than when I go shopping which I force myself to do each day. I am not paying for the police and since the council refuse to remove the police from my council tax bill, I do not pay council tax. The thought of paying makes me feel quite ill.
So back to the story, I went straight to the benefits office (a place I avoid like the plague as the security can remind me of the police) and cancelled my ESA so the council couldn't get the money. This left me with a big financial problem and a bleak future. Not knowing what to do next I assessed my options and thought that maybe since I didn't appear to be able to look after myself since food and bills don't pay for themselves that perhaps there would be a medical solution. Given it was too late to get a doctors appointment I went to the hospital to find someone to talk to. At the hospital I was told to go to the civic centre.
At the civic centre they confirmed the position of the other service centre and that perhaps I should contact crisis which I did. They said they had no long term solution and since I wasn't interested in a one off aid package and that I should go to the CAB. At the CAB they confirmed the rules that the council were operating on and confirmed there was nothing that could be done. Bleak was an understatement. I had no one else to go to.
I'm not sure how I made my next plan, perhaps thinking of the police and how I was treated by them influenced my decision and that decision certainly seems ironic. It is perhaps calculating but desperate times mean desperate measures, quite by chance I had not eaten or taken any meds and I'd only had a mouthful of water when I got dressed, I decided that perhaps I could make a more of a point if I consciously stopped eating or drinking deliberately and torture myself the way the police had done which was the cause of my problems in the first place. I then made a mistake and went to wait at the hospital to become ill.
After about 6 hours waiting to become ill security started to hassle me. I had done nothing to disturb anyone and had sat quietly in a corner waiting.
Actually it wasn't going well, I had been outside, around people all day and wasn't even having panic attacks or anything which just goes to show that my own mind and body is my worst enemy. Security managed to change that, they were there surrounding me dressed similar to the police and panic set in. To be fair the security were understanding and insisted that I get booked in far to early for me to have become ill.
So I got to see a doctor and explained that I wasn't eating or drinking and how I had got to this stage. She asked what I wanted to be done and I said that I understood nothing could be done about my benefit situation but perhaps the NHS could take care of me since I was in a position from which I could not. The doc had seemed quite nice up to this point but after she had gone to confer with a colleague she returned and was very curt.
I was told that I didn't have a medical problem and that I shouldn't come back to the hospital again. She handed me a piece of paper with the number for the welfare rights group and told me to ring them in the morning. I left walked home which took a while and since it was midnight by now I watched a bit of tv on iPlayer and went to bed. Due to my stupid memory I almost drank some water but I managed to catch myself in time.
This morning (Friday) I wake to find I am still not feeling in the slightest bit ill. Given that I am coming close to what the police did to me I am surprised that when doing it to myself it is having comparatively no effect whatsoever which just goes to show the difference between free will and authority. I rang my GP to try to get to discuss the situation with a different doctor but surprise, surprise no appointments available so that will have to wait till Monday (if I can get an appointment on that day) which will be the start of the 5th day without water, which might be pushing it. I contacted the Welfare rights who again confirmed all the advice I had been given by everyone else. DOH!
So I find myself in a quandary, clearly I am going to become ill and probably sometime today or tomorrow, it is self inflicted but I am stubborn, I hate idle threats and I have said that I won't eat or drink until there is a solution I can live with so I will abide by that. I now have no access to medical help and no solution for my social issues. What really concerns me is what if anything I should tell my parents. If I tell them they will feel obliged to interfere and they will be very distressed. If I keep it secret well they'll not know (or worry which is good) unless I die (which may well be much worse for them).
So what has happened.
Received a letter from the DWP sometime Monday afternoon. On Tuesday I found letter but decided not to open it as I was going to see a friend for the day and didn't want to ruin it.
On Wednesday went to breakfast and then when I got home I opened the letter. The letter basically said they were removing a small amount of money (trivial from a finance perspective) from my ESA to pay for something (I assumed it was council tax and was right). So I phoned the DWP and confirmed what was happening and asked them to stop it, to which they replied they couldn't and that I would have talk to the council. So I went back out to the local council service centre which was shut even though the times on the door indicated it should be open. Panic set in.
Thursday morning I returned to the centre and was told that they were taking the money no matter what.
For those that don't know I have a huge problem with the police, they forced me to go without water (or anything else) for over a day, stopped me complaining and generally covered it up. I have something akin to a phobia of the police, I get panic attacks when I see them and so I try to avoid going outside other than when I go shopping which I force myself to do each day. I am not paying for the police and since the council refuse to remove the police from my council tax bill, I do not pay council tax. The thought of paying makes me feel quite ill.
So back to the story, I went straight to the benefits office (a place I avoid like the plague as the security can remind me of the police) and cancelled my ESA so the council couldn't get the money. This left me with a big financial problem and a bleak future. Not knowing what to do next I assessed my options and thought that maybe since I didn't appear to be able to look after myself since food and bills don't pay for themselves that perhaps there would be a medical solution. Given it was too late to get a doctors appointment I went to the hospital to find someone to talk to. At the hospital I was told to go to the civic centre.
At the civic centre they confirmed the position of the other service centre and that perhaps I should contact crisis which I did. They said they had no long term solution and since I wasn't interested in a one off aid package and that I should go to the CAB. At the CAB they confirmed the rules that the council were operating on and confirmed there was nothing that could be done. Bleak was an understatement. I had no one else to go to.
I'm not sure how I made my next plan, perhaps thinking of the police and how I was treated by them influenced my decision and that decision certainly seems ironic. It is perhaps calculating but desperate times mean desperate measures, quite by chance I had not eaten or taken any meds and I'd only had a mouthful of water when I got dressed, I decided that perhaps I could make a more of a point if I consciously stopped eating or drinking deliberately and torture myself the way the police had done which was the cause of my problems in the first place. I then made a mistake and went to wait at the hospital to become ill.
After about 6 hours waiting to become ill security started to hassle me. I had done nothing to disturb anyone and had sat quietly in a corner waiting.
Actually it wasn't going well, I had been outside, around people all day and wasn't even having panic attacks or anything which just goes to show that my own mind and body is my worst enemy. Security managed to change that, they were there surrounding me dressed similar to the police and panic set in. To be fair the security were understanding and insisted that I get booked in far to early for me to have become ill.
So I got to see a doctor and explained that I wasn't eating or drinking and how I had got to this stage. She asked what I wanted to be done and I said that I understood nothing could be done about my benefit situation but perhaps the NHS could take care of me since I was in a position from which I could not. The doc had seemed quite nice up to this point but after she had gone to confer with a colleague she returned and was very curt.
I was told that I didn't have a medical problem and that I shouldn't come back to the hospital again. She handed me a piece of paper with the number for the welfare rights group and told me to ring them in the morning. I left walked home which took a while and since it was midnight by now I watched a bit of tv on iPlayer and went to bed. Due to my stupid memory I almost drank some water but I managed to catch myself in time.
This morning (Friday) I wake to find I am still not feeling in the slightest bit ill. Given that I am coming close to what the police did to me I am surprised that when doing it to myself it is having comparatively no effect whatsoever which just goes to show the difference between free will and authority. I rang my GP to try to get to discuss the situation with a different doctor but surprise, surprise no appointments available so that will have to wait till Monday (if I can get an appointment on that day) which will be the start of the 5th day without water, which might be pushing it. I contacted the Welfare rights who again confirmed all the advice I had been given by everyone else. DOH!
So I find myself in a quandary, clearly I am going to become ill and probably sometime today or tomorrow, it is self inflicted but I am stubborn, I hate idle threats and I have said that I won't eat or drink until there is a solution I can live with so I will abide by that. I now have no access to medical help and no solution for my social issues. What really concerns me is what if anything I should tell my parents. If I tell them they will feel obliged to interfere and they will be very distressed. If I keep it secret well they'll not know (or worry which is good) unless I die (which may well be much worse for them).