Is this punishment for driving without a licensed adult in the front seat?
Right. So there's definitely a freak monsoon going on outside...yah it's a little weird- but it's also kinda fun. Nothing like wading all the way to class and then having to actually swim to get into the building. Okay, so that's a slight exaggeration, but it works...and the good part about high school was that all of the classes were inside. And while it may be wet...it's still hellah fun-- prolly the most fun I've had all year. *Sigh*
Okay...now that that's said...onward to the real entry. Woo-- exciting, I know. I'm gonna try to convince my rents to let me transfer at Christmas Break. I don't think that there will be too big of a fight bc I got like a full ride to a few other colleges, so at least they won't have to pay. I'm just not happy here and I don't know what to do to get there. I DO however know that one of my reasons for leaving is because of my lack of friends issue...which was proven case in point by one such individual last nite. Michael wanted me to tell him why I was pissed, so I did and he went off on me. And I mean like totally and completely off...I think the kid said more to me at once while he was bitching me out then he ever has. ...Because he has SOOO much room to talk, especially since he was complaining about not having any1 to talk to and so on and so forth uhm like less then a week ago. And I think that's part of the reason that has cemented my decision to leave...on Sat. nite in a totally sober state of mind I realized the hypocrisy of it all. Granted, it was something that Michael said that caused the revelation, but what he said really struck a nerve and it was as if blinkers were flashing and I saw everyone’s POV at the same time because they're all basically the same at the core. Which isn't to say that it will be 100% different and better wherever else I go- it mite not be better at all for that matter- but I won't know until I try, and I haven't heard of any other complaints from people. At least not as strong as mine...but I suppose it could just be me. I need my therapist-- damn her and her coolness that made her go to school in NY....
Having said that...perhaps I should tell about the weekend that led up to all of this bullshit...
Fri at like 4:30/5:00ish Amanda, Lexi, Michael and I piled into Amanda's car which was completely loaded with junk, but it was ok bc I got shotgun since I was giving directions, and headed up to good ole C-Town so I could see thr CHS vs South game. We won, but I didn't find that out until the next day because they wanted to leave, so being the good friend I am, I told them we could go. In the end I spose it's my fault that I didn't get to stay and see the ending because if I had half a backbone I would have told them that I wanted to stay...but as it turns out I'm a spineless jellyfish so I caved. Then we went back to my house so Amanda could shower and the like before we headed up to Laffy. to see our friends at Purdue. So we were sposta go see Smike first since that was the reason we were going up there. Needless to say we got lost on the way to his house so we parked in a parking garage and called him to come get us so we could follow him. Well Amanda called her friends too and Michael went to go get his friend...so by the time Smike got there I gotta hang with him for about 10 mins max before Amanda's friends showed up and we had to go to their apartment. I felt like a jerk for pulling Smike outta his house for nothing-but at least I gotta see him. So Fri nite/Sat morning was kinda interesting...but there's no need to go into the particulars of it, so I'll just leave it at that.
Then on Sat. we headed to Carmel so Amanda coulg see her high school marching band/color guard compete in regionals. Yah I definitely froze my ass off, and I didn't really understand what the big to-do about it was...but maybe that's just bc I was never in band and I got my fill of being a band-fag-wannabe-groupie when I was a sophomore. Mucho love to all the guys that were a part of the Royal Mountie Marching Band...ahh that was a good year. Mk, so yah I didn't really have too much fun there, but I spose I can't really complain bc Amanda was driving and she wanted to go and it was important to her- I guess.... Afterwards her rents took us all out to dinner which was really nice of them even though I don't like Don Pablo's (pretty sure I spelled that wrong...) it was the thought that counts. So after dinner Michael, Amanda, and I piled back into her car- me in the back seat this time after MUCH protest- and headed back to campus. Which is where the shitith hitith the fan...ith....
It was the big FIJI Social thing on Sat nite, and I really wanted to go to the frats again...but I guess I was alone in this idea because Amanda and Emily didn't want anything to do with it, but Amanda did come with me- which was cool of her. The FIJI thing kinda sucked bc it was REALLY crowded and got busted by security about 5 times er something, so then we went to Lambda to try to find Michael. We found him, and he was gone again...not as bad as Fri nite, but still pretty fucked up. We did eventually leave Lambda and finally got to go to Sig for the first time...but yah, it was TOTALLY dead, so that was kinda boring, but we ended up hanging out in some guys' room the whole time we were there. Woo. Exciting. Not quite.... Anyrate, it was here that Michael, in his drunken stupor reiterated the point that ppl who have sex before marriage have no restraint and so on and so forth. Can we say broken record? Hmmm I can. He was actually the one that made me realize just how unhappy I am here. He said something to the effect of he would never date anyone that had had sex...but then kinda went back on it-- I dunno. It was wierd. It just made me realize how ppl here pretty much all have the same narrow mindedness of a small town. It's like a vicious cycle that I can't get out of. Maybe that's why I want to transfer so badly-- because in a bigger school it's not such a microcosm. No one knows all about your business and you can just get lost in the crowd. And rite now, getting lost sounds so appealing it's not even funny.
Another reason I really want to leave is because I haven't made any real true friends. Sorry Amanda and Emily because I love you guys to death, but it's just not the same. I know I can't expect to make a best friend in the first month and a half, but I haven't even found a confidant...Someone I feel comfortable with all of the time. Someone I can tell everything to and not end up regretting it..ever. It's normally easier to find someone I can share with but I just can't and I don't know why. I also can't think of anything to make myself happier. Needless to say when Michael find out I was going to transfer he went OFF on me...like honestly I think the kid said (typed) more to me in 1 convo then he ever has. Another example of hypocricy at its finest. I dunno... I can only hope that this weekend will help me since I'll get to go punkin hunting with my grandpa and see Zach and my mummy and daddy. I miss them so much. But most of all I miss my grandma. This is the first year she won't be asking us to help her pick out candy and then bag it up. She won't be there to yell at my grandpa for all of his Halloween toys that make so much noise. I miss her like the sun misses the flowers during winter. It's not fair.... (I know this was a REAL random paragraph, but I didn't know how else to put it..so fuck you if you don't like it.)
Things are changing. The leaves are changing colors. Steph turns 21 in like 2 weeks. People are getting older and I just want to revert back into the safeness that was the past. It's like in moovies- I'm standing still and everyone else is passing by in one fast blur. I don't know what's real, and I'm not too sure I want to.
Welp, I have some studying to do, so Ima wrap this be-awtch up. So here are my shout outs:
Amanda- The weekend was fun. Thanks for driving me up there. Also I really do love ya to death...it's just hard to explain. Thanks for comin out with me on Sat. nite...
Emily- Thank you for not judging me about my decision...you were the only one who really didn't give me a ton of shit about it. Also, your lj is so damn cheery with all the Disney whatnots. Haha :) I'm still gonna refer to him as fucker though....
Michael- You're like a fucking drug. I know that liking you is bad for so many reasons and the side effects are eventually gonna be fatal, but I can't help myself. Even though I have no chance in hell and ppl keep telling me to stop wasting my time...I just...can't. Also, what you said last nite about the whole friend thing was WAY out of line bc if memory serves...yah you were definitely saying the same shit last week. You probably think I'm a wierdo now anyways since you decided to read my lj *random* so I guess I'll just leave it there. If I had balls you'd know how I feel-- but I don't so you won't...you'll just know what's in here. Oy. *Everything I do is only to get tangled up in you....*
Hayley- I wish I could find the clone of you...oh how I wish I could find her, because I need her.
Molly- Hell fucking yes to transferring! Haha...it was good to see you for the 5 seconds I got to see you on Fri. You'll be my 3/4 best friend forever.
Kimmy- I got to do it! I spun around in the rain with my arms out and a song in my head. :)
To all else...well you know how it goes.
In the immortal words of Princess Mia: "I am cold, I am wet, and I am invisible."
Bye bye and buy bonds.
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me.
FIN
**Quotes and Lyrics** ~There's a lot of em....~
The worst brings out the best in me. I gotta bad feeling about this...
~Taking Back Sunday
Some will look at me and vomit
But I will look how i want to
Some will hear me and not get it
But I will say what I want to
~Skye Sweetnam: "Hypocrite"
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway
And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway
~Goo Goo Dolls: "Acoustic #3"
My Shadow's the only one that walks beside me...
~Green Day: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
~Maroon 5: "She Will Be Loved"
You might think I'm happy, but I'm not gonna be okay
~Simple Plan: "Welcome To My Life" (aka my theme song)
Okay...now that that's said...onward to the real entry. Woo-- exciting, I know. I'm gonna try to convince my rents to let me transfer at Christmas Break. I don't think that there will be too big of a fight bc I got like a full ride to a few other colleges, so at least they won't have to pay. I'm just not happy here and I don't know what to do to get there. I DO however know that one of my reasons for leaving is because of my lack of friends issue...which was proven case in point by one such individual last nite. Michael wanted me to tell him why I was pissed, so I did and he went off on me. And I mean like totally and completely off...I think the kid said more to me at once while he was bitching me out then he ever has. ...Because he has SOOO much room to talk, especially since he was complaining about not having any1 to talk to and so on and so forth uhm like less then a week ago. And I think that's part of the reason that has cemented my decision to leave...on Sat. nite in a totally sober state of mind I realized the hypocrisy of it all. Granted, it was something that Michael said that caused the revelation, but what he said really struck a nerve and it was as if blinkers were flashing and I saw everyone’s POV at the same time because they're all basically the same at the core. Which isn't to say that it will be 100% different and better wherever else I go- it mite not be better at all for that matter- but I won't know until I try, and I haven't heard of any other complaints from people. At least not as strong as mine...but I suppose it could just be me. I need my therapist-- damn her and her coolness that made her go to school in NY....
Having said that...perhaps I should tell about the weekend that led up to all of this bullshit...
Fri at like 4:30/5:00ish Amanda, Lexi, Michael and I piled into Amanda's car which was completely loaded with junk, but it was ok bc I got shotgun since I was giving directions, and headed up to good ole C-Town so I could see thr CHS vs South game. We won, but I didn't find that out until the next day because they wanted to leave, so being the good friend I am, I told them we could go. In the end I spose it's my fault that I didn't get to stay and see the ending because if I had half a backbone I would have told them that I wanted to stay...but as it turns out I'm a spineless jellyfish so I caved. Then we went back to my house so Amanda could shower and the like before we headed up to Laffy. to see our friends at Purdue. So we were sposta go see Smike first since that was the reason we were going up there. Needless to say we got lost on the way to his house so we parked in a parking garage and called him to come get us so we could follow him. Well Amanda called her friends too and Michael went to go get his friend...so by the time Smike got there I gotta hang with him for about 10 mins max before Amanda's friends showed up and we had to go to their apartment. I felt like a jerk for pulling Smike outta his house for nothing-but at least I gotta see him. So Fri nite/Sat morning was kinda interesting...but there's no need to go into the particulars of it, so I'll just leave it at that.
Then on Sat. we headed to Carmel so Amanda coulg see her high school marching band/color guard compete in regionals. Yah I definitely froze my ass off, and I didn't really understand what the big to-do about it was...but maybe that's just bc I was never in band and I got my fill of being a band-fag-wannabe-groupie when I was a sophomore. Mucho love to all the guys that were a part of the Royal Mountie Marching Band...ahh that was a good year. Mk, so yah I didn't really have too much fun there, but I spose I can't really complain bc Amanda was driving and she wanted to go and it was important to her- I guess.... Afterwards her rents took us all out to dinner which was really nice of them even though I don't like Don Pablo's (pretty sure I spelled that wrong...) it was the thought that counts. So after dinner Michael, Amanda, and I piled back into her car- me in the back seat this time after MUCH protest- and headed back to campus. Which is where the shitith hitith the fan...ith....
It was the big FIJI Social thing on Sat nite, and I really wanted to go to the frats again...but I guess I was alone in this idea because Amanda and Emily didn't want anything to do with it, but Amanda did come with me- which was cool of her. The FIJI thing kinda sucked bc it was REALLY crowded and got busted by security about 5 times er something, so then we went to Lambda to try to find Michael. We found him, and he was gone again...not as bad as Fri nite, but still pretty fucked up. We did eventually leave Lambda and finally got to go to Sig for the first time...but yah, it was TOTALLY dead, so that was kinda boring, but we ended up hanging out in some guys' room the whole time we were there. Woo. Exciting. Not quite.... Anyrate, it was here that Michael, in his drunken stupor reiterated the point that ppl who have sex before marriage have no restraint and so on and so forth. Can we say broken record? Hmmm I can. He was actually the one that made me realize just how unhappy I am here. He said something to the effect of he would never date anyone that had had sex...but then kinda went back on it-- I dunno. It was wierd. It just made me realize how ppl here pretty much all have the same narrow mindedness of a small town. It's like a vicious cycle that I can't get out of. Maybe that's why I want to transfer so badly-- because in a bigger school it's not such a microcosm. No one knows all about your business and you can just get lost in the crowd. And rite now, getting lost sounds so appealing it's not even funny.
Another reason I really want to leave is because I haven't made any real true friends. Sorry Amanda and Emily because I love you guys to death, but it's just not the same. I know I can't expect to make a best friend in the first month and a half, but I haven't even found a confidant...Someone I feel comfortable with all of the time. Someone I can tell everything to and not end up regretting it..ever. It's normally easier to find someone I can share with but I just can't and I don't know why. I also can't think of anything to make myself happier. Needless to say when Michael find out I was going to transfer he went OFF on me...like honestly I think the kid said (typed) more to me in 1 convo then he ever has. Another example of hypocricy at its finest. I dunno... I can only hope that this weekend will help me since I'll get to go punkin hunting with my grandpa and see Zach and my mummy and daddy. I miss them so much. But most of all I miss my grandma. This is the first year she won't be asking us to help her pick out candy and then bag it up. She won't be there to yell at my grandpa for all of his Halloween toys that make so much noise. I miss her like the sun misses the flowers during winter. It's not fair.... (I know this was a REAL random paragraph, but I didn't know how else to put it..so fuck you if you don't like it.)
Things are changing. The leaves are changing colors. Steph turns 21 in like 2 weeks. People are getting older and I just want to revert back into the safeness that was the past. It's like in moovies- I'm standing still and everyone else is passing by in one fast blur. I don't know what's real, and I'm not too sure I want to.
Welp, I have some studying to do, so Ima wrap this be-awtch up. So here are my shout outs:
Amanda- The weekend was fun. Thanks for driving me up there. Also I really do love ya to death...it's just hard to explain. Thanks for comin out with me on Sat. nite...
Emily- Thank you for not judging me about my decision...you were the only one who really didn't give me a ton of shit about it. Also, your lj is so damn cheery with all the Disney whatnots. Haha :) I'm still gonna refer to him as fucker though....
Michael- You're like a fucking drug. I know that liking you is bad for so many reasons and the side effects are eventually gonna be fatal, but I can't help myself. Even though I have no chance in hell and ppl keep telling me to stop wasting my time...I just...can't. Also, what you said last nite about the whole friend thing was WAY out of line bc if memory serves...yah you were definitely saying the same shit last week. You probably think I'm a wierdo now anyways since you decided to read my lj *random* so I guess I'll just leave it there. If I had balls you'd know how I feel-- but I don't so you won't...you'll just know what's in here. Oy. *Everything I do is only to get tangled up in you....*
Hayley- I wish I could find the clone of you...oh how I wish I could find her, because I need her.
Molly- Hell fucking yes to transferring! Haha...it was good to see you for the 5 seconds I got to see you on Fri. You'll be my 3/4 best friend forever.
Kimmy- I got to do it! I spun around in the rain with my arms out and a song in my head. :)
To all else...well you know how it goes.
In the immortal words of Princess Mia: "I am cold, I am wet, and I am invisible."
Bye bye and buy bonds.
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me.
FIN
**Quotes and Lyrics** ~There's a lot of em....~
The worst brings out the best in me. I gotta bad feeling about this...
~Taking Back Sunday
Some will look at me and vomit
But I will look how i want to
Some will hear me and not get it
But I will say what I want to
~Skye Sweetnam: "Hypocrite"
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway
And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway
~Goo Goo Dolls: "Acoustic #3"
My Shadow's the only one that walks beside me...
~Green Day: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
~Maroon 5: "She Will Be Loved"
You might think I'm happy, but I'm not gonna be okay
~Simple Plan: "Welcome To My Life" (aka my theme song)