(no subject)
It's been a long time since I've said anything about my life. Frankly, nothing good to tell. It's been difficult. Very difficult. I'm still trying to find a way to put things back together. I know it wasn't suppose to be easy but at the same time I didn't expect it to be this hard. The last thing I mentioned was quitting my job. At the time seemed like the best thing I have done for myself. And I had my reasons. Not just because I felt like it. Besides the logical reasons, I was extremely unhappy. That wasn't a place where I saw myself being for the next 10 years or so. I was going nowhere and I had no future. I'm not a little girl anymore so doodling around wasn't an option for me..I needed more. Five years since graduation and I had nothing to show for myself. Everyone I know have made some improvement in their lives except me. So it was time to move on. Whats hard is finding the right place for myself. I've looked and I've looked. Nothing seems to be a right fit. There just hasn't been a light at the end of this tunnel. Then there's what I've been studying for the past year...Yes, that was suppose to be ticket out of this mess but after spending the money and the time it's not what I want. It was more because "its in demand" and not because I actually have a passion for it. And I know life isn't about getting what you want all the time but...I just want something that can make me happy. I've been so unhappy that I just need it you know? What sucks balls is that for the longest time I was struggling to find what I want and in reality I know what I want but getting it seems so impossible. I know I can't give up on myself and I seriously don't want too. But I feel so hopeless. I don't want to be the person that "settles". But I need something now! So eventually I will have to "settle" at least for awhile and that kills me!! So then tell me...what was the point???