...and the devestation process has begun
Wow this day has just been so topsy turvey...
Woke up this morning with very little sleep because Lonnie and I got into a heated argument last night and I was upset...like I have been the past few nights when I've went to bed...I am having the same kind of issues again this semester that I had last semester and I don't know why I can't think positively about anything in my life...
So anyway I go to school and I actually have a productive day there...then I go to my Babci's to visit and I take her to pick up some groceries...after that I took Frankie to work and went to visit my Mom because I owed her $45...By the time I arrived at my mother's my good mood went away...I started to think about Lonnie and the argument we had the night before...this made me very sad...my mom knew something was wrong but I didn't talk to her about it...I told her nothing was wrong and that I was just tired. I came home shortly after to try and take a nap and maybe sleep would help the sadness go away...but all I did was cry...I cried my eyes out...I let it all out...or at least most of it out...I tried to get ahold of Lonnie because I needed to apologize for the argument...my conscience was getting to me...I didn't get ahold of him so I cried some more...finally I get ahold of him and he comes over because he knows there is a much needed talk amongst us...he comes over...we talk...we figure things out...things are much better...we go sledding, we have a blast, we go out to dinner and he takes me home...
Earlier in the day he mentions that he is worried about our relationship in the future because when his family moves to New Jersy (I think in the summer), he is staying and keeping the house, which is a little bit expensive for him considering that none of his friends want to move in with him and he is afraid that he won't be able to afford doing things for me and he is afraid of being a deadbeat boyfriend basically...the subject was dropped because I told him that those things don't matter to me and he knows that...So when we get to my house when he was dropping me off, we started talking again about where our relationship stands in the future because of his parents leaving him with all these extra finances. He asked me "could you be my friend and save me?"...by that I automatically assumed that he just wanted me to break up with him so he could live alone and not have to worry about a girlfriend...so I got upset and then he said no...what he meant by "be my friend and save me" was if I could move into his house with him but just be friends because he is not yet comfortable living with his girlfriend...which I understand because he is still young but...I say "how could you ask me that?" How could he? How could I possibly live with this guy that I am in love with, knowing we dated for a year and a half and we're now just friends...no flippin way...and he understood that...so now I am damned if I do move in or damned if I don't because if I don't we're most likely going to break up anyway because he doesn't want to have a girlfriend if he is living alone and paying for all his bills alone...then I started to get more and more upset as the conversation persisted and the more I became upset the more Lonnie became upset and we sat there and held each other because we are scared of losing each other...well I don't know about him but I really don't want to lose him...I am so scared right now...All I have been doing is crying...if its not homework, its crying...I am a bag of water at the moment...what do I do???
As I said to Mandi, I guess I am just gonna have to let the whole thing play itself out and if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be...and knowing my luck, I won't get what I want and nothing will work out in my favor...it never really does...I am gonna get stuck being friends with someone I love and someone I want to have effin babies with and I am not strong enough to be friends with him...I am not even friends with Andrew anymore for God sakes...and I don't love Andrew like that anymore! I don't even think I loved Andrew the way I love Lonnie...Lonnie is so much more of a M-A-N...and he treats me like a L-A-D-Y
*sigh* Lord, I need you more than ever...
Woke up this morning with very little sleep because Lonnie and I got into a heated argument last night and I was upset...like I have been the past few nights when I've went to bed...I am having the same kind of issues again this semester that I had last semester and I don't know why I can't think positively about anything in my life...
So anyway I go to school and I actually have a productive day there...then I go to my Babci's to visit and I take her to pick up some groceries...after that I took Frankie to work and went to visit my Mom because I owed her $45...By the time I arrived at my mother's my good mood went away...I started to think about Lonnie and the argument we had the night before...this made me very sad...my mom knew something was wrong but I didn't talk to her about it...I told her nothing was wrong and that I was just tired. I came home shortly after to try and take a nap and maybe sleep would help the sadness go away...but all I did was cry...I cried my eyes out...I let it all out...or at least most of it out...I tried to get ahold of Lonnie because I needed to apologize for the argument...my conscience was getting to me...I didn't get ahold of him so I cried some more...finally I get ahold of him and he comes over because he knows there is a much needed talk amongst us...he comes over...we talk...we figure things out...things are much better...we go sledding, we have a blast, we go out to dinner and he takes me home...
Earlier in the day he mentions that he is worried about our relationship in the future because when his family moves to New Jersy (I think in the summer), he is staying and keeping the house, which is a little bit expensive for him considering that none of his friends want to move in with him and he is afraid that he won't be able to afford doing things for me and he is afraid of being a deadbeat boyfriend basically...the subject was dropped because I told him that those things don't matter to me and he knows that...So when we get to my house when he was dropping me off, we started talking again about where our relationship stands in the future because of his parents leaving him with all these extra finances. He asked me "could you be my friend and save me?"...by that I automatically assumed that he just wanted me to break up with him so he could live alone and not have to worry about a girlfriend...so I got upset and then he said no...what he meant by "be my friend and save me" was if I could move into his house with him but just be friends because he is not yet comfortable living with his girlfriend...which I understand because he is still young but...I say "how could you ask me that?" How could he? How could I possibly live with this guy that I am in love with, knowing we dated for a year and a half and we're now just friends...no flippin way...and he understood that...so now I am damned if I do move in or damned if I don't because if I don't we're most likely going to break up anyway because he doesn't want to have a girlfriend if he is living alone and paying for all his bills alone...then I started to get more and more upset as the conversation persisted and the more I became upset the more Lonnie became upset and we sat there and held each other because we are scared of losing each other...well I don't know about him but I really don't want to lose him...I am so scared right now...All I have been doing is crying...if its not homework, its crying...I am a bag of water at the moment...what do I do???
As I said to Mandi, I guess I am just gonna have to let the whole thing play itself out and if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be...and knowing my luck, I won't get what I want and nothing will work out in my favor...it never really does...I am gonna get stuck being friends with someone I love and someone I want to have effin babies with and I am not strong enough to be friends with him...I am not even friends with Andrew anymore for God sakes...and I don't love Andrew like that anymore! I don't even think I loved Andrew the way I love Lonnie...Lonnie is so much more of a M-A-N...and he treats me like a L-A-D-Y
*sigh* Lord, I need you more than ever...