"The woman who broke Leonard Nimoy’s heart"
The woman who broke Leonard Nimoy’s heart
Leonard Nimoy is a loving and devoted husband… But there is another woman in his life - a woman who hurt him deeply.
by PAUL DENIS
* In the life of every man, there is one woman who means more than any other, before or after. Sometimes she brings him sorrow, sometimes joy. She may be his wife, or his first love, or a woman who rejected him. Whoever she is, she will have a profound effect on him. * There was one special woman in Leonard Nimoy's life, long before he met and married Sandi Zober. She influenced all of his ideals, encouraged his pride-yet she was responsible for breaking his heart. * It began in Boston, where Leonard was born, the son of Russian-Jewish immigrants. His parents were poor, hardworking folk, and though they are more comfortable financially, now, they are still hard-working. Leonard's father still works as a barber. His mother still works in a variety store.
During Leonard's childhood, she was the most important influence in his life. She taught him all the values he was to live by in later years. But by encouraging him to set his standards as high as he could, she allowed him to create a problem for himself. For Leonard learned that many of the values he accepted simply didn't work in the rat-race of Hollywood. He had always believed that if he worked very hard and were a good actor, he'd have to succeed. And when it looked, as it did in the early years, as if that wasn't true, the realization hurt him deeply.
He recalls one incident when he'd, had just seen a Humphrey Bogart movie, and was driving home in his jalopy.
The movie had stirred him up, and then he had begun to feel sorry for himself. Here he was, four years in Hollywood, and still unable to get enough acting jobs to keep alive!
Despondent and lonely, he began to weep. And then, to bolster his spirits, he began to shout the words of his favorite inspirational poem, "Invictus," by William Ernest Henley:
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul."
His defiant words mingled with his sobs, but he continued:
"In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud, Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed."
Some people walking by glanced at
him. as he stopped for the corner
traffic light, but he was now too
aroused to he intimidated.
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but (he Horror of the shade. And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid." A police ear passed him by, but he continued to shout his defiance at a hostile world'
"It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishment the
scroll. I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul."
His tears subsided, his confidence edged back into his soul, and he reached his rooming house dry-eyed.He could not accept the world's indifference without suffering. But if his mother's teachings had led him to expect too much of the world, they had also taught him how to fight for what he wanted, and how to believe in himself.
Leonard says his fighting religion kept him alive during the sad, tense, disheartening years when he was struggling for his place in the Hollywood sun.
"I believe that God gives us certain talents. And whatever he gave me, is mine to develop and work with. I am not a leaner. I am not looking for a crutch. I'm a fighter!"
He says. "I believe in God through myself, through my own efforts. I don't believe in the kind of praver that asks for things to happen. I believe in praying to bolster your courage, hut you must also learn to help yourself!"
Because his mother brought him up to be self-reliant. Leonard often pretended to by more independent than he was.
Before he met Sandy, he was a very lonely young man in Hollywood. He had arrived from his home town, Boston, not knowing a soul in Hollywood and having no contacts to help his aspirations.
"My parents were back in Boston, and I felt so alone. I had left Boston without their approval, so I was too proud to write them for money or to admit that perhaps I had made a mistake. There were times when I was being constantly rejected for acting roles. Then I would sit in my little room in the rooming house, and I would talk to myself.
" 'I am something special!' I would shout. I will not give up!' And then I'd recite the poem, 'Invictus,' as a sort of personal statement of fight and courage.
"It was a form of faith, declaring that I was a man, and that I would never give up my aspirations!"
"My religious training," says Leonard, "gave me the understanding or feeling that we are responsible for each other, that you must love your neighbor, and that, essentially, our accomplishments are important and valuable only to the extent that they help others. It's the idea of functioning within a peer group.
"Remember the story about the boy who rushes home to tell his mother. 'Ma. I've been promoted to captain!' and his mother, says, 'That's nice.' He becomes annoyed and says, 'But, ma, you didn't hear me. I've been promoted to captain!' She says to him, 'To me, you've always been a captain. But to a captain, are you a captain?'
"Are you effective with people? That's the question we should ask ourselves. For me, religion must always be a part of society."
But Leonard's faith has expanded beyond formal religion, and his spiritual resources are now deeper and bigger.
"There is one quote that gives me so much courage," he explains. "It says how I feel about life. It is: 'God grant me the serenity to accept things I can not change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' "
This quote, whose origin is ambiguous, summarizes beautifully a practical approach to life's problems.
But Leonard admits he wasn't always practical. He had accepted his mother's values, and for much of his life, he was a romanticist.
"I have changed my attitudes," he admits. "I've changed because of bitter experience and perhaps also because I'm in analysis. I've gone from being a romanticist to being a realist. For years, I thought in terms of things the way things should be. Now I accept things as they are. This new attitude makes me-and Sandy-more comfortable."
When he became an actor, he thought that all he had to do was good work. "But now I know," he says, "that this isn't so. I know now that it's possible to be a good actor and not get work. There was a lot of pain when I reached the point where I knew I could do a good job but I couldn't get the jobs.
"I know now that everybody has to "I know now that everybody has to function in terms of their own heeds. A director or a producer may say, 'He's a good actor but he's not for this role.' or. 'I need a name for this role.' Understanding this has forced me into being more realistic.
"It took me a long time to understand that being good is not everything."
For instance, Leonard was thrilled when he was nominated for an Emmy Award, and of course he was disappointed when Eli Wallach won the award. But Leonard was not shocked by losing. "I lost to Eli." he says, "hut how can I get sore at losing to a terrific actor like Eli Wallach? Eli k a man I've admired for 15 years!"
When Eli won, friends of Leonard kept telling him, "Eli did only one show and you did 30, and you should have won because you sustained excellence for 30 weeks." But Leonard says, "Years ago, such comments would have made me sick. I would have felt cheated, which would have been unrealistic, of course. Today. I am realistic. I know that in life you have to wait your turn. And I'm patient."
There was a time when Leonard Nimoy couldn't take frustration. He sees now that this caused him a lot of unnecessary heartache.
"When I became frustrated, I'd go into a panic. I'd bang my head against the wall until it became bloody, figuratively speaking. I was very emotional about my failures. But now I'm more philosophical. I'm calm. I'm realistic. I'm willing to wait. I have confidence. I have faith in myself."
When you ask him, "What do you believe?" his dark eyes grow darker and he repeats. "What do I believe? Well, I believe that the world is a place full of opportunity, full of wonderful rich ideas. And if you can bring the opportunities and the ideas and the rich possibilities together, and mold them and develop the intelligent self, you can live a very meaningfull life!"
Always, he has been a student, reading voraciously and enjoying the give and take of good conversation.
He knows his Bible, and he can quote from fine literature. "Things I read at random often impress me very much." he explains.
A slogan on the wall of columnist Walter Winchell's office impressed him: "Talent is God-given ... be humble. Fame is Man-given ... be grateful. Conceit is self-given ... be careful."
Despite the pain it's caused him. Leonard still accepts many of the values his mother taught.
He believes in working hard and aspiring for excellence. "You might as well fall flat on your face than lean over too far backward," he explains.
He believes in goodness, too: "I believe in being good and doing good, even though some people might want to call me a square. It's better to be called a square than to be indifferent to fellow humans."
Most of all, he believes in living fully, making the most of every day, using your senses arid not being afraid of using your emotions.
Oddly enough, the role that brought Leonard Nimoy stardom is his role of Spock, the science officer aboard the United Space Ship. Enterprise, in the series. Star Trek. He plays the son of a man on the planet Vulcanis who married an earth woman- "Vulcanians regard any display of emotion as a breach of good taste," Leonard explains. "So on the show Spock rarely betrays what he is thinking or feeling. But. of course, in real life I am much more emotional than Mr. Spock."
In real life, too, he adores his wife Sandy, and he loves his children deeply. And if you ask him if he would want his children to endure the struggles he experienced, he says, "I wish they could have my experiences, but without the pain. My troubles taught me to appreciate what I have. I admit that success today is gorgeous and I deeply appreciate it, and I love it.' I fought for success, and it's so sweet! And all the sweeter because I fought for it!"
Today, Leonard realizes that his old unrealistic attitudes had to change. But he's glad he learned them. He's grateful to his mother, despite the heartbreak he felt long ago. Her ideas may have been too romantic, but they emphasized loving, and giving and doing one's best. They are the values Leonard wants to teach his children.
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