recovery.
is great.
i went to a candlelit meeting today.
"i'm charles. i'm an addict in general. clean date...march 20 '07...drug of choice, intravenous cocaine + pot + alkeehawl...
have a home group. have a sponsor...and today was rather unimpressive."
...saw chris there. told me i'm an intellectual. told him about being back out there for 3 days.
that pot. that e. all that sheeeit must stop.
day 5-clean already. would've had a month by now if only i didn't relapse twice.
every day clean for any addict is a miracle. take it a day at a time. and appreciate what i got.
me and my charms. i'm a creature of habit.
but my lucky stars, this recovery...effects all my life...just as the drugs did...but recovery is much better.
in my social dealings...in my family-affairs...in my personal-relationships...in my life...
it shows. i've been so much more proactive. charly the chinchilla has been alive for a month so far...
so i'm doing right things...i clean more often. as of yesterday i've been doing calisthenics. getting back into the habbit.
i must return to my bench. i'm a complete person, with a body...a mind...and perhaps a soul.
i've finally realized my body is a shelter for the other aspects of me...not my science-experiment.
i must treat it with respect...and the rest will follow. i moved for sponsor josh today with goodman doug. they both earned
more of my respect today. josh is a good man and i'll stick with him til he moves to D.C.
i picked up a dumbell in his old apartment....was like 50lbs...did a military press with it...i still have the
tone and a mild muscle memory. i must get it back. i was there. when i was lifting...i was doing 70lbs over my body weight
on most of all my lifts...i must return to that...minus the marijuana. i need to learn to respect myself.
yea. i lift that dumbell only once though. and it was shaky. i must stay firm.
this recovery is amazing. my therapy....my outpatient program...NA...i have all these tools.
all this support. and with this i'm well on my way.
i can retain some of my former glory. i can learn to forgive myself.
i'm hardly ever SO SAD anymore...sadness now is some kind of emptiness that i can deal with
and happiness now isn't mania...its a heightened appreciation for things. i'm finding my equilibrium.
my medium. i've lived so long thinking i wasn't capable of it. but its not true. the fellowship has shown me
that. we're all similar and so different. i identify so much....without NA...man, i'd still be in the grips.
all i'm left with now is this resolution of what's left to do. and prospects for my future.
i'm not projecting...but my future seems promising. and i must not fight what's being offered to me
right now. i need help. i can't get clean by myself. the road goes on...and i follow. picking up as much
as i can along the way.
what's so invaluable about NA is that i'm learning more about forgiving myself for my past.
i'm learning to deal with my baggage...on my own. learning to be a true human, rather than emulating.
my relationships now are clean ones, i don't question motives. the people i've met are not as selfish
as certain persons i've met while i've been out there. and my permanent love, is right now...an extra
motivation for me to stay true to myself...she is as much like me as myself...and somewhat different.
but that's what keeps me incessantly enthralled by her.
its honest. i wasn't born with drugs. i'm trying to find out where i went wrong. and when i do, i hope i
don't hate myself...but once i find out where i failed....i'll learn to better understand my reasons why.
and i'll be able to stop all my character defects before they activate and ruin the goodness i have in my life.
i used to be suicidal, it was true. and my defects seek only to end my life. i can't buy into my own bullshit.
i've been trying my best to be honest.
so far its been great. and rewarding.
NA is the shit. ever since i came back, i've been fairly resolute
and emotionally stronger.
lexapro has been working relatively nicely too.
i figured since i don't buy drugs and shit anymore
i'll gamble just a lil more often (not like i used to)
since, hey...you never know. i heard of a kid 'round here
who won fucking 4k...he didn't deserve it... but still...
if i had that money. its me + love...living far-away from here.
recovery has been good. haven't been drinking anymore either.
hope that stays. and i haven't touched the shit in what seems like forever.
best not to get complacent.
i learned one thing about my recovery today.
when i feel happy, or sad...or when i get any intense feeling, for that matter...
i get this delusion that i'm unique. people are people who have feelings.
i know the feeling is mine, but certain feelings are temporary. i shouldn't get into this
alone with myself-kinda feeling. i share myself with the world. and the world does with me.
i have so much more about me other than my depression. and this entire time i've sought only
to share my sadness with people. that's what kept so many people away...but i have so much more.
i have strength, resolve...i have calm....only because i know how complete insanity is.
i overdosed twice for fuck'sake. i should be dead. but something wants me alive.
i'm living off borrowed time...borrowed everything. i should learn some love and respect.
and i will school myself until i do.
as one of my positive-affirmations says (which i leave all over my room and bathroom; thank you post-its)...i will
carry myself...kicking and screaming through this recovery. i never stopped myself before.
i was shooting coke everyday for fuck'sake...but now i know better...and i can't stop myself now. not in recovery.
i went to a candlelit meeting today.
"i'm charles. i'm an addict in general. clean date...march 20 '07...drug of choice, intravenous cocaine + pot + alkeehawl...
have a home group. have a sponsor...and today was rather unimpressive."
...saw chris there. told me i'm an intellectual. told him about being back out there for 3 days.
that pot. that e. all that sheeeit must stop.
day 5-clean already. would've had a month by now if only i didn't relapse twice.
every day clean for any addict is a miracle. take it a day at a time. and appreciate what i got.
me and my charms. i'm a creature of habit.
but my lucky stars, this recovery...effects all my life...just as the drugs did...but recovery is much better.
in my social dealings...in my family-affairs...in my personal-relationships...in my life...
it shows. i've been so much more proactive. charly the chinchilla has been alive for a month so far...
so i'm doing right things...i clean more often. as of yesterday i've been doing calisthenics. getting back into the habbit.
i must return to my bench. i'm a complete person, with a body...a mind...and perhaps a soul.
i've finally realized my body is a shelter for the other aspects of me...not my science-experiment.
i must treat it with respect...and the rest will follow. i moved for sponsor josh today with goodman doug. they both earned
more of my respect today. josh is a good man and i'll stick with him til he moves to D.C.
i picked up a dumbell in his old apartment....was like 50lbs...did a military press with it...i still have the
tone and a mild muscle memory. i must get it back. i was there. when i was lifting...i was doing 70lbs over my body weight
on most of all my lifts...i must return to that...minus the marijuana. i need to learn to respect myself.
yea. i lift that dumbell only once though. and it was shaky. i must stay firm.
this recovery is amazing. my therapy....my outpatient program...NA...i have all these tools.
all this support. and with this i'm well on my way.
i can retain some of my former glory. i can learn to forgive myself.
i'm hardly ever SO SAD anymore...sadness now is some kind of emptiness that i can deal with
and happiness now isn't mania...its a heightened appreciation for things. i'm finding my equilibrium.
my medium. i've lived so long thinking i wasn't capable of it. but its not true. the fellowship has shown me
that. we're all similar and so different. i identify so much....without NA...man, i'd still be in the grips.
all i'm left with now is this resolution of what's left to do. and prospects for my future.
i'm not projecting...but my future seems promising. and i must not fight what's being offered to me
right now. i need help. i can't get clean by myself. the road goes on...and i follow. picking up as much
as i can along the way.
what's so invaluable about NA is that i'm learning more about forgiving myself for my past.
i'm learning to deal with my baggage...on my own. learning to be a true human, rather than emulating.
my relationships now are clean ones, i don't question motives. the people i've met are not as selfish
as certain persons i've met while i've been out there. and my permanent love, is right now...an extra
motivation for me to stay true to myself...she is as much like me as myself...and somewhat different.
but that's what keeps me incessantly enthralled by her.
its honest. i wasn't born with drugs. i'm trying to find out where i went wrong. and when i do, i hope i
don't hate myself...but once i find out where i failed....i'll learn to better understand my reasons why.
and i'll be able to stop all my character defects before they activate and ruin the goodness i have in my life.
i used to be suicidal, it was true. and my defects seek only to end my life. i can't buy into my own bullshit.
i've been trying my best to be honest.
so far its been great. and rewarding.
NA is the shit. ever since i came back, i've been fairly resolute
and emotionally stronger.
lexapro has been working relatively nicely too.
i figured since i don't buy drugs and shit anymore
i'll gamble just a lil more often (not like i used to)
since, hey...you never know. i heard of a kid 'round here
who won fucking 4k...he didn't deserve it... but still...
if i had that money. its me + love...living far-away from here.
recovery has been good. haven't been drinking anymore either.
hope that stays. and i haven't touched the shit in what seems like forever.
best not to get complacent.
i learned one thing about my recovery today.
when i feel happy, or sad...or when i get any intense feeling, for that matter...
i get this delusion that i'm unique. people are people who have feelings.
i know the feeling is mine, but certain feelings are temporary. i shouldn't get into this
alone with myself-kinda feeling. i share myself with the world. and the world does with me.
i have so much more about me other than my depression. and this entire time i've sought only
to share my sadness with people. that's what kept so many people away...but i have so much more.
i have strength, resolve...i have calm....only because i know how complete insanity is.
i overdosed twice for fuck'sake. i should be dead. but something wants me alive.
i'm living off borrowed time...borrowed everything. i should learn some love and respect.
and i will school myself until i do.
as one of my positive-affirmations says (which i leave all over my room and bathroom; thank you post-its)...i will
carry myself...kicking and screaming through this recovery. i never stopped myself before.
i was shooting coke everyday for fuck'sake...but now i know better...and i can't stop myself now. not in recovery.