saturday sexcipades: lesbians, sex toys, and booty calls...oh my!
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Woody Allen
ok...saturday night...was...interesting. the rest of this entry is going to be under a livejournal cut because it might be slightly too NC-17 for some of my readers. ha ha ha...
so i go to meet my friend for dinner. it should be noted frequently and loudly that i adore her. no, i don't adore her because she's a lesbian...well...that's not entirely true. i might adore her more because she's a lesbian (and really my only lesbian friend here in town as every other lesbian i know and love has moved away after college *SAD FACE*) but i adored her before i knew she was a lesbian as well. she's funny, she's smart, she's always a good time to be around, and she's really really pretty. i just feel like those things about her need to be known before i share what happened so that i in no way seem to be scared or bothered by her being a lesbian. (not that any of my readers think i'm homophobic...but i'm not in case some random person stumbles upon this and reads it.)
so i walk up to the table and she greets me not only with her amazing smile but with the drink she ordered for me while she was waiting. now that's my idea of a good friend. =D ha ha ha...and we have dinner...and more drinks and laugh our asses off. so of course, sex comes up and i make some smart ass comment about how i need to get laid. she asks me, 'don't you have a vibrator?' which of course leads to what it always leads to when i'm asked that question. 'yes, i own one. a really nice one, i suppose. but i don't use it because it kind of creeps me out and also seems like a lot of work when real dick is just a phone call away.' she laughs before she says, 'but don't you sometimes want to get off without the complications the dick brings with it?' i smiled, and took a drink, but knew she was right.
anyway, somehow this conversation turns into 'have you ever tried it with a woman?' i'm like...'tried what?' not because i'm being trite but because i've honestly never thought that much about sex with a woman. not just...you know...having sex with a woman, but the logistics of the situation. i mean, call me naive, but i've just never really thought about whether there is always sex toys involved? is it mostly oral? do they have tops and bottoms like gay male relationships? it's just not something i've really ever thought on. so...3 chamborg sours in, i just asked. she giggled, 'you can do whatever you want with a woman jen.' she was so matter of fact, that i nodded my head. she continued 'you can use a strap on, or a dildo or vibrator or whatever, or you can just do oral, or use your hands, whatever.' i'm like, 'ok, so which do you like best? and have you ever had sex with a guy?' i ask, because i honestly don't know and i'm honestly curious.
she giggles, 'i've had sex with a man, it was really...sloppy...' i spewed my drink into my napkin. 'jen,' she says as she casually takes a drink, 'if you ever want to know what it's like you have my number.' i giggled...but she was serious. somehow our slightly drunken conversation over italian had turned into a lurid proposition. she was offering herself to me as an experiment. somehow i knew that wasn't all there was to it, but i wasn't sure how to ask what ALL she meant. she told me anyway, 'jen, i don't want to scare you away, but i'm totally into it.' it meaning me. i smiled, i was flattered, and the conversation shifted back to why our waiter hadn't brought our check and finishing our drinks. at my car, she leaned in, for a hug, i thought, only she kissed me gently and quickly. ok...i've kissed girls before. that sounds childish...but that's the truth. i've kissed girls before, but it's never been like a sweet thing, it's always been like a sloppy drunk, why the fuck not, hey! i love you! kind of thing.
i got in my car and drove home. deray was with friends, dana was at a concert, i went in my room and shut the door. i got out the rabbit and sat it on the edge of the bed. it sat there for like 30 minutes while i made every excuse to do something else. i folded my laundry, i i dusted the picture frames, i made my bed (as though i wasn't intent on messing it up) and reorganized my shoe racks. i sat down next to the hot pink vibrator and took it in my hand. it's heavy (damn batteries) and funny if you are just looking at it. i mean, come on, the head of the dick has a smiley face on it. ha ha ha. still, i was determined to use it. i got so far as to put it next to my thigh before i reached for my cellphone.
my friend who bought the rabbit for me was quick to respond, 'just do it! get some porn if it helps, you'll love it.' porn...good idea. so i scour the house. i don't have any, dana doesn't have any...deray's is all gay. hmmm...gay porn? how does a straight girl use a pink vibrator and imagine herself in the movie when it's two gay guys going at it in a garage, by a pool, in a police station (i shit you not, 'stop or i'll shoot!' ha ha ha ha ha ha...oy the gay porn titles)? so...without the porn...i tried...really, there are just too many buttons, too much pressure for it to be good, too much pent up angst regarding matching the things i like during sex with myself and this plasticized replication that has nothing backing it up.
so...again...i picked up the cellphone...dialed the all too familiar number. he was at a club, but he left...why does that boost my ego when i know it doesn't mean anything other than the fact that he's horny too? in record time, he was at my door and in my bed. it was good...ok...it was great...and when he was pulling on his shoes he reached over and picked up the rabbit that i had discarded under a pile of laundry. 'did you start the party without me?' he asked playfully. i laughed, 'no, i'm incapable.' he smiled, leaned in and kissed me, 'maybe next time we can use this and i'll show you how to make it work for you.' he teased. 'whatever!' i say, snatching it from him and pushing him away.
i put it back in it's bag and back in the bottom of the drawer, i change my sheets and bring out the trash (and all the evidence), shower and get in bed.
what did this saturday teach me, you ask? a couple few things:
1. i'm hopelessly heterosexual. i adore her, if ever i've been tempted by a woman, it was last night by her. still, when it was all said and done, i didn't kiss her back. =(
2. i'm too lazy for sex toys. seriously, the speed button, controlling the pearls, the thrust mechanism...fuck me...literally...it's all too much work especially when considered against pressing call on the cell.
3. i'm a sucker for the right sex with the wrong person.
anyone have any sexual suggestions that a girl with the preceding 3 problems might need? honestly...ha ha ha. i know some of my readers might have more experience with lesbian hook-ups, using toys, just saying no to the wrong guy...whatever...discuss! =D
ok...saturday night...was...interesting. the rest of this entry is going to be under a livejournal cut because it might be slightly too NC-17 for some of my readers. ha ha ha...
so i go to meet my friend for dinner. it should be noted frequently and loudly that i adore her. no, i don't adore her because she's a lesbian...well...that's not entirely true. i might adore her more because she's a lesbian (and really my only lesbian friend here in town as every other lesbian i know and love has moved away after college *SAD FACE*) but i adored her before i knew she was a lesbian as well. she's funny, she's smart, she's always a good time to be around, and she's really really pretty. i just feel like those things about her need to be known before i share what happened so that i in no way seem to be scared or bothered by her being a lesbian. (not that any of my readers think i'm homophobic...but i'm not in case some random person stumbles upon this and reads it.)
so i walk up to the table and she greets me not only with her amazing smile but with the drink she ordered for me while she was waiting. now that's my idea of a good friend. =D ha ha ha...and we have dinner...and more drinks and laugh our asses off. so of course, sex comes up and i make some smart ass comment about how i need to get laid. she asks me, 'don't you have a vibrator?' which of course leads to what it always leads to when i'm asked that question. 'yes, i own one. a really nice one, i suppose. but i don't use it because it kind of creeps me out and also seems like a lot of work when real dick is just a phone call away.' she laughs before she says, 'but don't you sometimes want to get off without the complications the dick brings with it?' i smiled, and took a drink, but knew she was right.
anyway, somehow this conversation turns into 'have you ever tried it with a woman?' i'm like...'tried what?' not because i'm being trite but because i've honestly never thought that much about sex with a woman. not just...you know...having sex with a woman, but the logistics of the situation. i mean, call me naive, but i've just never really thought about whether there is always sex toys involved? is it mostly oral? do they have tops and bottoms like gay male relationships? it's just not something i've really ever thought on. so...3 chamborg sours in, i just asked. she giggled, 'you can do whatever you want with a woman jen.' she was so matter of fact, that i nodded my head. she continued 'you can use a strap on, or a dildo or vibrator or whatever, or you can just do oral, or use your hands, whatever.' i'm like, 'ok, so which do you like best? and have you ever had sex with a guy?' i ask, because i honestly don't know and i'm honestly curious.
she giggles, 'i've had sex with a man, it was really...sloppy...' i spewed my drink into my napkin. 'jen,' she says as she casually takes a drink, 'if you ever want to know what it's like you have my number.' i giggled...but she was serious. somehow our slightly drunken conversation over italian had turned into a lurid proposition. she was offering herself to me as an experiment. somehow i knew that wasn't all there was to it, but i wasn't sure how to ask what ALL she meant. she told me anyway, 'jen, i don't want to scare you away, but i'm totally into it.' it meaning me. i smiled, i was flattered, and the conversation shifted back to why our waiter hadn't brought our check and finishing our drinks. at my car, she leaned in, for a hug, i thought, only she kissed me gently and quickly. ok...i've kissed girls before. that sounds childish...but that's the truth. i've kissed girls before, but it's never been like a sweet thing, it's always been like a sloppy drunk, why the fuck not, hey! i love you! kind of thing.
i got in my car and drove home. deray was with friends, dana was at a concert, i went in my room and shut the door. i got out the rabbit and sat it on the edge of the bed. it sat there for like 30 minutes while i made every excuse to do something else. i folded my laundry, i i dusted the picture frames, i made my bed (as though i wasn't intent on messing it up) and reorganized my shoe racks. i sat down next to the hot pink vibrator and took it in my hand. it's heavy (damn batteries) and funny if you are just looking at it. i mean, come on, the head of the dick has a smiley face on it. ha ha ha. still, i was determined to use it. i got so far as to put it next to my thigh before i reached for my cellphone.
my friend who bought the rabbit for me was quick to respond, 'just do it! get some porn if it helps, you'll love it.' porn...good idea. so i scour the house. i don't have any, dana doesn't have any...deray's is all gay. hmmm...gay porn? how does a straight girl use a pink vibrator and imagine herself in the movie when it's two gay guys going at it in a garage, by a pool, in a police station (i shit you not, 'stop or i'll shoot!' ha ha ha ha ha ha...oy the gay porn titles)? so...without the porn...i tried...really, there are just too many buttons, too much pressure for it to be good, too much pent up angst regarding matching the things i like during sex with myself and this plasticized replication that has nothing backing it up.
so...again...i picked up the cellphone...dialed the all too familiar number. he was at a club, but he left...why does that boost my ego when i know it doesn't mean anything other than the fact that he's horny too? in record time, he was at my door and in my bed. it was good...ok...it was great...and when he was pulling on his shoes he reached over and picked up the rabbit that i had discarded under a pile of laundry. 'did you start the party without me?' he asked playfully. i laughed, 'no, i'm incapable.' he smiled, leaned in and kissed me, 'maybe next time we can use this and i'll show you how to make it work for you.' he teased. 'whatever!' i say, snatching it from him and pushing him away.
i put it back in it's bag and back in the bottom of the drawer, i change my sheets and bring out the trash (and all the evidence), shower and get in bed.
what did this saturday teach me, you ask? a couple few things:
1. i'm hopelessly heterosexual. i adore her, if ever i've been tempted by a woman, it was last night by her. still, when it was all said and done, i didn't kiss her back. =(
2. i'm too lazy for sex toys. seriously, the speed button, controlling the pearls, the thrust mechanism...fuck me...literally...it's all too much work especially when considered against pressing call on the cell.
3. i'm a sucker for the right sex with the wrong person.
anyone have any sexual suggestions that a girl with the preceding 3 problems might need? honestly...ha ha ha. i know some of my readers might have more experience with lesbian hook-ups, using toys, just saying no to the wrong guy...whatever...discuss! =D